496 - 6/29/2010 - Life as we know it...

It's 11am on a Tuesday, and I sit here contemplating where to go with things. You see, as open as I am, as awesome as I am to hang out with and converse with, I seem to have one mental block that prevents me from doing something...I can't ever seem to talk to a girl I like and let them know I like them.

I'm not afraid of much, but I am definitely against rejection. I wish I just had the same confidence I do in my professional life in my personal one. I think I'm a great person to be around, but I feel something prevents me from being able to say some of the things I want, because I'm afraid of the general: "I have a boyfriend," or "well, I dunno" or my favorite, "I'm just not into you..." I should be able to look at them and say, "that's too bad, because my type is better..." and just be the confident Rob I am in everything else I do.

I want to change that. I want them to be interested and me give them more reason. My tastes are peculiar, but genuine. I want someone that wants me back for me, not because they "should." I like the idea of a challenge, but it got me nowhere except 8 years older the last time.

My mind is strong, my heart tries, and my soul is yearning...how do I get them all to sync up and get me where I need to go?

I even drew a pic of the person I'm interested in right now...I'm posting it here just because I think I'm the only person reading this anymore, and it makes me feel a little better just getting it out there.

Rob

495 - 6-17-2010

I have no idea what I was writing about last night. I'm disappointed in my life right now because of the mistakes I've made that don't seem to be helping me move on, and in fact are helping me regress into a depressed state.

While I'm not in danger here, it does suck that I'm on probation which is basically like being told you are the scum of the earth, and my probation officer makes me feel that way. I had one in Durham that was okay, she seemed to understand that I was a first time troublemaker and that I wasn't the scum that she sees on a regular basis, but when my case got transferred back to Wake County, it seemed to go all differently, and now I feel like I have no control over something which isn't good for someone like me.

I expect some sort of respect for being a business professional that fucked up in his personal life, but I'm being treated like someone who was a drug traffiker.

Just ranting.