576- Still not quite myself

My life over the last three months has been a rollercoaster, and not one that people pay admission to ride. I have found out things about my job that make it more difficult to concentrate, I have dealt with a now nonexistent would be relationship, and I've gone through the holidays, and subsequent really slow ass time at work.

I find myself in a rut. Not one that will get me in trouble like my divorce (you know, two duis, a lot of debt, and trust issues), but still one that makes me wonder, if and when, I'll finally be able to just go out, enjoy myself, and maybe meet someone that is interesting and beautiful to me.

Right now, however, what I want is someone of the opposite sex I can be emotional around, because I am unable to express my true feelings and emotions around most of my guy friends, and for that matter, the women, too.

I've been watching a show called THE GLADES, where a transplanted detective takes cases in his work life, while he works on a relationship with a mother who is married to a guy in jail. It had parallels to how I feel with a lot of things, but mainly, people really seem to hold on too long, cause themselves misery, and I've noticed in North Carolina, LIVE with each other, to where they wouldn't find something better if it bit them in the ass.

It amazes me that cheating runs as wild as it does, as it has to happen somewhere, and people these days are too cheap for hotel rooms.

I don't think I'm going to find that complimentary to my life person that I would like, and it is amazing that Katherine wanted a relationship of any kind with me when we fought about whatever the hell it was that we were...

Still, part of me misses it.  Why? Pretty simple. Somebody wanted something to do with me, versus the alternative...nobody wanting me.

I believe anyone actually reading this must feel that I'm really depressed...I just think I'm bored with my norm, bored with here, and unable, OR unwilling to change it because what I'm used to is so comfortable.

Hmm, may've just hit a nail into the board there...and with that, I'm reverting back to sleep...snow on the ground, I may have to walk to work tomorrow.

575 - ln Comic book terms

This is an anniversary blog. A big number. With a comic book, this installment would be double sized to show its importance, while also beginning or ending a specific chapter in the hero's life. Man, too bad this isn't a comic book, huh?

I wrote an installment earlier this evening, and then a friend came up and told me they had read my blog recently. She then told me I had multiple grammatical errors in it, which isn't surprising, as I write it on a tablet, and that leads me to believe I misspell, mistype and misappropriate a lot, because I am thinking faster than I am typing, and unlike in earlier "episodes," I now find myself just moving on too the next thought and not fixing the errors.

My life is filled with highs and lows and not many moments of the middle 'happy place' spot. I'm not sure why, I won't speculate on that, but I know it is one or the other, and rarely somewhere between.

I am not sure where I am in my life at the moment, but my recent lapse of where I had been to where I am now makes me a little more confused.

I feel as though I have lost something, and not even something important, but something nonetheless, and that is worrisome. I'm really hoping over the next month or so, many more of these writings will be followups to what o had been reading, but I'd rather write and produce than just think something is happening out of nothing.

I need to begin going after things I want, rather than just tell you I'm going to try, and then leave it alone, until then, I will settle for background signs.

574 - Feel emotion

The past week has been a game of two very like personalities attempting to see what the other person wanted, while wanting to maintain the control of the situation, or relationship.

I have seen enabling behavior, and even lived through it with my ex wife, only to come out knowing it wasn't what I ever wanted to be part of again, nor that it was fair to either person. My ex wife didn't deserve me enabling her drinking, but she didn't explain to me she felt it was a problem until the day she left...subsequently, she decided to blame me for it, which in turn wasn't fair to me, and wrecked probably the next four years of my life, as I still attempt to figure out how to get myself off the floor, rebuild more than my work life and feel 100% comfortable in my own skin.

Tonight, I want to be able to show my emotion to another human being, but I'm very protective of who I show that to, for fear that my built wall will look like nothing more than cardboard,when I need it to look rock solid. Unfortunately, I only have about three people I explain my life to AND show emotion, and none of them are close enough to where I can hang out with them and open up.

My problem with protecting myself probably also prevents me from myself, but that's a different story for a different night.

Sad, knowing it's the wrong decision is the only reason I don't dial my phone to Katherine's number. It isn't just a game, it's truly the knowing it's wrong for both parties that prevents me from doing it. Thinking with my head instead of my hurting heart.

Part of me also wonders if jotting this all down on a fully open blog to anyone wishing to read it is the smart decision, but I am the type that always needs his point heard, even if I don't think anyone is listening. If you do check this out, feel free to offer opinions, by the way, though as most people with similar personalities, I typically do not do well with advice, ha.

573: If I did the right thing, why do I feel down?

I don't know if anyone else has ever known the outcome of an enabling relationship before the relationship begins, but I saw it coming, and it scared the bejeezus out of me. Anyone who knows me, knows that I want something real with someone, and that I've been in what I thought was good, Burt couldn't see the signs that it was smoke and mirrors. I've grown up since then, and I've learned to better understand people.

It isn't always a good thing to understand manipulation, emotional intelligence and when games are being played, because it prevents a lot of learning experiences before they can happen. It's "futurtist" thinking, if anything, which means you play out the outcomes before you really let it play out for real.

The best offense is a good defense, and I guess the vice versa also applies, but in this situation, you don't get hurt if you look for the reasons to not want it...

So anyway, I know I'm thinking this as a "why do I feel bad," and I think we know the answer...I'm lonely. I explained why she wasn't good for me a few days ago, but I let her make the decision so she'd keep her distance from me.

I discussed it with a friend of mine last night, and he said, 'you know she's going to start talking to you again at some point,' because the conversation turned to manipulation and CONTROL. He told me that she mentioned she had been asked out because she wanted to control me into making a decision to be in a relationship with her, which we all alreready know, was going through my head. Now granted, maybe at some point, it wouldn't be two people enabling each other, when she realizes her attempts to manipulate me were because she NEEDS to feel in control.

I also know why I miss her, it isn't 100% because I gave her control to end things, it also has a lot to do with me enjoying feeling attractive to an attractive 23 year old, and for a while, having no judgement placed upon me for my past and current digressions. What can I say, it doesn't take a lot to make me feel like there might be something.

It's a little later now, I don't feel where I did, but I'm still wondering why I'm even slightly upset about it.

Apparently something has been said to her friend, because I was totally being avoided when I saw her. Wonder what she said about me, now, too...

Hmmm....

572 - Ending Something the Only way i know how

Tonight, at 6:05pm, I received a text message that asked "are you not talking to me, now?" And I thought about leaving it without an answer, but something in me needed more here...and I got it, closure (for now) in a situation that when good was a lot of fun, but when bad, went straight to batshit crazy...

She continued to tell me that it was apparent I had made my mind up about what I wanted, or in her mind, what I didn't want.

I began to ask, "what do you want from me?" And continued to receive the same answer, that we should stop talking.

I tried to explain to her how I asked for space, and she wouldn't give me any, as she continued to "check in" on me, which kind of defeats the purpose.  Sometimes a person needs more than 24 hours to get their mind around what they want.

She then told me I bring out the worst in her, and told me I shouldn't want to be with her, reminding me that someone else had asked her out.

--

I'm going to cut this short, because it went on for four hours of text messages, but the gist of it was this.

I asked what she wanted, and she continued to tell me what *I* shouldn't want (which was her), to which I finally said to her, if you want to be done with me, that's on you, not the other way around. If it is what you want, I will respect your wishes.

She told me she would remove me from her Facebook, and she wouldn't text or "try" to hang out at my local spot.

She called me cold, she told me she couldn't believe I would demand she tell me what she wanted, but in turn she never did.

I let her be the one to end it, not to feel like the broken up guy, but because if it is someone else's decision, it typically holds up longer, and some times forever.

I'll miss the 23year old firecracker, but I won't miss feeling like I had been taken advantage of, or being blamed for things that were out of my control. 

She manipulated me into a no win situation, which she still doesn't grasp, and wanted me to accept blame for my role in it, which I simply can not do.

I knew if I told her I didn't want to see her again, she would come back and ask why and there would be drama, so I took one for the teams, since she had already called my character into question, she'll believe I was really an asshole, rather than feel I gave her an exit to help her, a final, selfless act here...

Kinda fucked up, I know.

571 - Me, who I am, and how I have to end a very implosive situation.

(This is a graphic story, so if you are easily disturbed, stop reading...)
I've written on here about a specific person, how I felt about them, and how confused I was about a lot of it, but something happened recently that I'm not happy with, as it called my character into question.

I have been texting, hanging out and enjoying the company of someone for a while, and then while both of us were intoxicated, we took things to a different level. It was two adults, and while I repeatedly said I'd prefer to take things slower, I was being asked, "don't you want me?" and "why would you pass this up, you have a horny girl ready to do anything you want...annnything...?" And then the next day, I was told they felt the goings on of the night before were something they needed to wrap their head around, and wanted time and space. I told her to take all the time and space she wanted, but I was here to talk and discuss when she was ready.

A day later, a poke on facebook, etc, I get a text message from her that pretty much made it seem like the whole thing was blown over and we were cool.  Those nice little texts turned into "but you should have known better..." texts and I was done with it.

We saw each other, talked it out and I thought everything was fine. Misunderstandings aside, I enjoyed the conversations I had with her, and was hoping we could get back to some normalcy, and slow down the buildup.

Then the 19th of December happened. She called me while I was having an early birthday party and she asked if she could hang out and come stay with me. I said, "Sure, we're having a good time with a bunch of people, come on out, we'll have fun." 

When she showed up, she told me she had already begun drinking, and wanted to know if she could stay with me. She didn't sound drunk at the time, so I said, "sure, you can stay over..." She ordered a bottle of wine and before I knew it, seemed legitimately hammered.She began aggressively making out with me, saying things like, "I really like you and want you right now," etc, but I was letting it go because I wanted her to be okay. It was time to go home. At this point, I pretty much had to fight her to not get in a car to drive, but she calmed down, we got her to my place and she grabbed me.

At this point, she started up with the "don't you want me? You can do anything you want to me..." stuff, and I told her, we both had to go to work, and I wanted to go to sleep. Her aggression turned up, she came at me with, "If you don't, I'll leave! I'll walk to my car and drive home. Is that what you want?"  I haven't ever seen that kind of ferocity in a person, and after multiple "I don't think this is a good idea" statements, I did what most guys do at that point, I thought with my dick.  Midway through, I stopped. It wasn't what I wanted, so I stopped. And she continued with, "Don't you want to fuck me? Do you not like me? What is it? You can do anything you want to me...don't you want to fuck me?" And she grabbed my stuff in her hand and began to give me head. I finally told her I was too tired and wanted to sleep, whatever I could to stop.

Did I want it, sure. Did I want it under those circumstances? It felt surreal, and being a "nice guy," it was too much at the time, and now, I'm even more bothered by it.

After this second instance, she was late for work, as we had to get her a cab to get her car, and she was violently apologizing for her behavior, when she then texted, "did we have sex?" I told her that she was very demanding and not in the mood to listen to me say, "No," so after about the 6th or 7th time, we did. She said she felt used, and wanted time away from me.  I once again said, "take all the time you need, but I'm sorry you feel that way."

What she didn't realize was what her words, "I feel like I was used" meant to me.  To me, it had meant that my character, my self, who I am, was called into question.

Two days later she showed up to my work, on my birthday, and told me I was being rude when I didn't feel well, had just worked 22 hours in two days and said I was going home.

She began texting me and asking if she could come over. I told her I had to be at work at 7am, and I was just going home and it wasn't a good idea.

For the next two days, I was short in my responses to her because she still didn't get what she said, how she said it or what it REALLY meant. So on Christmas, she told me she got the point, and that since I was just being short about everything, she would leave me alone...so I finally called her out on it.

"You called my character into question and were one word away from making this situation much worse. You made me feel like an ass when you demanded I do it. And you didn't apologize. I want time away from this to digest it..."

To me, time is something that isn't minutes or a two day layoff, this is something I really wanted to think about.

Last night, I got told, "You wanted time, but it's been more like 2 weeks, not two days." She then proceeded to tell me to figure out what I wanted, which is funny, because she stated that she had been asked out by someone else, and had felt that based on things said between us, that *I* had already made up my opinion here and she was "taking the hint."

I told her to enjoy herself with the other person, but what did she want from me? I was done with it. I don't need to hear, "I really enjoy our conversations, and you are a great friend, but..." bullshit. You are telling me that I wasn't a good friend ten seconds before, but you want me around? 

I'm getting too old for this shit.