12/18/2018 How weird is this

So I had a dream last night. That isn't the weird thing, it was the content of the dream. When I got home last night, I pounded two beers down to quiet my mind and try to sleep. It helped me pass out, but then I had a vivid dream about Snow.

In context, I'm trying to ween myself off hanging out with her because it isn't good for my mind, but anyway I had a dream about her...

So I was asleep and woke up, and had an arm draped over me. I look over and ask, "how'd you get here?" Knowing I'd been hammered the night before and she told I I came to get her, drove back to my place and made something happen. I was like, I don't remember any of that. Thank God we made it home okay, and she was like, "what? You said you were fine..." Then she starts making out with me and ...tells me she loves me.

I'm taken aback, tell her I like her a lot, but am not ready for that kind of statement.

I should've known it was a dream, since it was my bedroom from my parents house, saw three people from my past walk into my parents room, and more, but... It was the most vivid and real dream I've ever had. I was trying to remember getting to her place, I was trying to figure out why others were there...

When I finally woke up for real, my heart was racing, I'd never had a dream like that, I was sweating profusely, and in shock...

Wow what a weird dream...especially as I'm trying to think LESS of someone

My Hallmark Christmas Movie...

I know, I normally write fiction nowadays, but my lovelife is so bad, that I should try to write a Hallmark Christmas film and see if it turns my luck around.

Here's the plot:

Early30's male lead gets divorced by a want leaving him for another guy, causing a downward spiral for the guy, including needing heart surgery.

After surgery, he moves in with his sister, and embarks on wanting to change his life for the better.

He gets a call from a publisher wanting to publish his script, and things start looking up, maybe a scene at a convention, and his best friend finding his significant other.

Now, the man is 40, trying to find himself as he gets back on his feet, and he gets an Instagram message from someone that he knows because her husband, now ex, used to work with him and she likes that he's writing, and wants to check it out. Her story should be filled with moments that include the main male who shows up at her wedding, even telling the groom to take good care of her. He walks out of her life, giving a Bs meaning and she's left to pick up the pieces.

The writer and her go out a couple times, trying to get back on their feet emotionally, and he asks her if this is dating...

She says no, and you get that moment where he's devastated, leaves her alone, until she has that moment in her head that she realizes she doesn't want what they have to end either, just as he sells his script to be a major movie. As he gets to the airport to board and start his new life she shows up, saying she's sorry and that she shouldn't let it end... And he says "then get on the plane..."

Part of that's still fiction, but if it wasn't bold, Hallmark wouldn't want it.

Confused

Why am I constantly alone? I have so many things moving in the right direction in my life, and yet, here I am, still ridiculously behind where I ever thought I would be.

I'll codename one of the people I discuss here as Snow, just in case someone ever sees this, which I doubt because people just don't write blogs anymore, let alone read them. Anyway, Snow means a bit in this tale, and I wonder if years from now when I go back and read this, if I'll ever still know her...

I've been talking to someone pretty extensively, she's attractive, smart, and I feel like when I'm with her, I can just be me, goofy, dorky, comic book video game geek Rob. But...I don't think she wants me ...not in that way, or she's really confused, which in turn, has her really confusing me.

She's married, but separated, but not because she wants to be, because her husband was a complete asshat after they had spent their entire adult lives together because he met someone at his job.

She's such a sweet girl, holding out hope for something that has moved hours away, yearning for it just to go back the way it once was...

Which is why I'm struggling with this, because it seems like she A) knows I like her, B) continues to hang with me knowing it, C) won't tell me she is or is not interested in me, but D) hesitates about telling me when she's hanging with another guy, obviously because she's worried about my reaction.

I just don't get it. So I did something bold, yet I think she just took it in stride.

A week ago, we hung out, and when I took her home, I saw in her eyes that she was telling me she was interested, but she didn't extend it when I attempted a move.

So bold move 1 was a bust. She messaged with me the next day, and now for roughly 4 weeks, we've been talking every day. I wait patiently, hoping I'll get a message, but also think that if she messaged last, that I should message first.

I ask how her day is going, and then talk about her day off coming up, and I ask if "she will think of me" on her day off. She says in retort, "why does that matter?" When I say after a couple weeks talking that I'd think I'd at least cross her mind, she says "I guess we shall see..."

What the fuck does that mean. Anyway, we hung out again last night. But before that, bold move number 2. I know that she likes certain characters in comics, and I decide to draw her. We are supposed to hang out, grab a drink, see a movie, and see what happens. I pick her up, and I give her my new comic because I know she can't make my signing. I placed the drawing in with it, and let her know there's a surprise in there, too, and she asks "can I see?" And I say she can when she gets home. I felt like we had a good time, saw a terrible movie, and I took her home.

She asked if she could have her surprise and then hugged me good night. She asked me to text when I got home, so I did, and she told me she "absolutely loved my drawing."

Today she text me letting me know she was looking at the drawing and smiling.
Let me know she sent it to her friend, who wasn't as excited as she was. Told me she liked how I draw...

After the smiling Everytime she looked at it, I told her "I guess you know how I feel when I see your face."

She didn't acknowledge it...

We chat a bit more tonight before I said goodnight, but I can't get my mind off her.

I even felt my chest begin pounding, definitely from anxiety.

Needless to say, I am still confused.