554: Reflections...

As I sit on my couch on Christmas day, my dogs at my parents for a week, I sit, alone, finding myself not being creative, not being myself, and realizing that the reason why I am alone is because I am feeling it on the inside, and showing something different on the outside. I am not one and the same all the time, and I believe it is leading me down a path that does not necessarily end with happiness.

I'm not acting suicidal, or crazy, just realizing that the person I am at work is a facade, and the genuine me is only seen by two dogs on the regular, and is not always a good person that actually deserves happiness. I'm not saying I don't deserve ANY happiness, just not always and true happiness. I'm not sure where it needs to change, but I am certain it needs to, for me to ever get something else into my life...a light that I don't snuff out as I have in the past...I need to be real...

The question of WHO that is remains...I wish I had someone that I could really break this down with, but much like the movie FIGHT CLUB, I believe my life is filled with a LOT of "single serving friends," though it does feel like more of them are becoming more real, as I do the same.

Love who you are, and others will be able to love you.  I need to get there.

553: Pressing for change, same results apply

So, tonight I did what I normally do on a Wednesday night, heading to the Fox for some karaoke,  a couple drinks, and to enjoy myself, knowing I'm off Thursdays...only I changed up my norm, I went home ahead of time, let the pups out and changed clothes. My changing of clothes wasn't just changing into a tshirt like it normally is, I decided I wanted to look a little more upscale and dress a little more upclass. I am not sure if anyone took me as that, but towards the end of the night, I kept having this cute blonde tell me that she was really loving my song selection and towards the end of the night wanted to sing my songs with me.

I took this as an opening, not knowing what she did for a living, or whatever, but her friend as I was getting ready to leave and I made my joke about psychics having hours of operation, her friend, Courtney, was going, "Blair! Rob's getting ready to leave..." and when I asked it this was a big deal, and I introduced myself to Courtney, I was explained, "I know, Blair told me all about you..." I was like "huh?!" And then she retold the story without white lies, as she said, ir, she just kept talking about the songs you were singing and his good you were at each.

Interesting, indeed, because I made an impression and she was seen in a vehicle with another dude as she was leaving. Didn't really bother me as much as the other folks w/ her as much as it could.  It did disappoint me that someone that was discussing me couldn't find a way to get a little more attention.

Oh well, maybe next time.....

552 - Another Conference over, and another Christmas season begins.

So I'm not really allowed to discuss which company I work for unless I state that the opinions written herein are those of me and not my company and should be taken as such, and not indicative of the company's stance on anything specific.

Anyway, we've been in Vegas since Sunday (I've been here a little longer, Friday, infact) and we've had sessions and things discussed with us from all the major game developers.  On this trip, I learned of updates and innovations happening to my company, bashings of the wannabes attempting to do the same thing my company does, and a classroom where I won an award for top 3 performance in a specified area.  All in all, it's the greatest "RAH RAH RAH" moment our company has, and developers and game studios not only understand this, but they tend to "give us the hookup," if you will.

Last year, Microsoft blew us away by offering all of us Kinect, as well as Halo, Fable, another game, 3 months of Xbox Live and the new style controller.  This year, Microsoft came again, fully prepared to kick ass and take names, offering all of us: Forza 4, Gears of War 3, and then some Kinect games, Dance Central 2, Kinect Sports 2, and a new game called Gunstringer, as well as a new bluetooth headset and 12 months of Xbox Live.  This was actually the first full night of the show, which was pretty awesome. In Microsoft's training room session (the other was a Keynote Speech), I ended up winning the Gears of War 3 Limited Edition 360 Console, which is fucking amazing.  So Microsoft knows they want to kick ass and take names and they threw that at us.

Earlier on the first day, Activision came out and had Will Arnett discuss Modern Warfare 3, and our company set a goal for how many copies we will presell. IF we hit that goal, they will not only GIVE us a copy of the game, but their "Elite" Call of Duty service...FOR LIFE...so no paying for it on a yearly basis, etc. Wow.

Not to be outdone by Activision, Nintendo brought Kevin Periera from G4 with them, and in their training session, I shared a long (and awkward) embrace/hug with him, that was even remembered after the fact by the VP of Marketing for Nintendo.  But Nintendo came primed to tell us that they had limited edition poker sets to give out, and a limited Edition GOLD controller/Zelda game for the 25th anniversary. I was a little shocked that they only went with one game offered to us as they seem to be not offering nearly as much, which is a little odd, because they used to be the ones that blew us away.

Now Sony came to bat with the offer of Uncharted 3 and 3 months of Playstation Plus service...but I will give Sony a pass, because they did begin their EXPERT RLS program, that allows me to get a prize package worth about $250.  Although mine still hasn't shipped, meaning I'm going to have to have a discussion with my rep about that, since it still hasn't shipped.

EA had already given us a copy of Madden, which was very nice of them as while I didn't intend to buy it, we were not there for our launch of the game, which kinda through some things for a loop.  They came out and shows us this little game called BATTLEFIELD 3...then they offered us an EARLY Beta to play it before everyone else...and finally...not to be outdone by COD...a free copy of the game, without any GOAL setting.

We were also given a copy of Monster Tale, as we set a Guiness book of World Records well...record, by breaking the record for most people having a handheld gaming party.  They never announced the final numbers, but the DID let us know we DID break it.

Other highlights of the show (I already stated winning the Xbox 360), were I'm also getting copies of Rage, Dead Island, Batman, and I think there may be one or two I forgot.  I think the final number came in at 15 games, 2 services, one bluetooth headset, and the Limited Edition Console (for me only, LOL).

As fun as this sounds, we held our breakout with our region, and while I felt pumped up by it, I couldn't help but think we were getting beaten up AS we were given some praise.  It's okay, I understand and am successful so I'll keep trucking and work on my hiring for the holidays while keeping the store clean.

Oh, I also got to see Mark Hammill, who came out to discuss the Batman Arkham City game, and got to see NEVER before seen footage of...a game not shown at E3...MAX PAYNE 3! Rockstar doesn't even have a game coming out this year, but for the second straight year, came out and showed us something almost a year away, but it looked absolutely fabulous.

Anyway guys, I'm still in Vegas, will be back LATTTTE Friday night and back to work without a day off until I think Thursday, as I want next weekend off for the Michigan/Notre Dame game.

551: It's 3am, and yes, I'm lonely...and 10:45 the next morning...

So I'm going to go ahead and leave my delirious rant up here, in its entirety, without editing it, but that will be at the end of the post. Here's what happened, and then I'll let me "I couldn't keep my eyes open as I typed," garbage at the bottom for your, and my enjoyment.  Sometimes you think you are writing the great american novel, and then you find out that you just throw random letters and numbers (numbers?!) together and get something completely random. So now, the real happenings of last night, followed by hilarity. I will also state here that I am going to even post names, something I don't normally do, because there was some relevance to it this time.
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So I get a text about 8pm last night to see if I want to go sing Karaoke at a place called Champions, and while I want to go, I don't want to ride the bike all the way down there because it's about a 20 minute ride, and I'd rather try to get a ride. Well, after my friend Tino disappears off the face of the earth, I go back to plan b, which is, bike...

When I get there, Chris wants to introduce me to his friend Heather (or her friend, or both, I can't recall). Well, Chris thinks he's sending me a text to show me which girl he's referring to, and he sends it to Heather, instead, stating that Heather's friend has gained about 30 pounds since the last time he had seen her. WHOOPS! As I stated, he sent it to her, meaning, he's in trouble if she shows the friend the text message. Chris and his girlfriend Kate at this point begin to scramble a story together to say that it WASN'T the other girl that he was talking about, and instead, it was a girl named, "Jackie."

Chris and Kate get up to go smoke, and while I don't smoke, I also don't like sitting at a table in a bar, alone, so I follow.  Upon our return, someone has now claimed our table.  From what I gathered, she was very attractive, had a thing for ink (some interesting tattoos, including one on her pelvis that she would later show me), she was single (and not looking) and her name? ...that's right...Jackie.

Chris pulls a girl move and tells me I have to go to the restroom with him, and while I joke that is GAY, I follow anyway, where he tells me I have to go for it with Jackie.  I'm like, "Go for what?" Obviously, I know what he's talking about, but he then tells me there is no way it's a coincidence that we meet a girl named Jackie, who stole our table (yes, we just sat back down at it, LOL), after he created this farce tale of the girl he was talking about with the same name. 

At this point, Jackie got up to go smoke (not a fan of smokers, btw, ladies) and Chris continued to press that I should try for it.  Kate, at this point, says that she will, "chat her up," in an attempt to find conversation pieces.  Chris follows Kate out after a minute of talking with me, and I wait to get another drink before I follow.  As I go outside, they are both trying to involve this girl into a conversation about I have no idea, and when I sit down, Kate leans over to me and says, "Chris and I have tried to chat her up, and she's tighter than a clam." Okay, maybe not those exact words, but you get the meaning. Kate gets up, and I replace her in the seat next to Jackie, and ask her what she does for a living, blah blah. I ask her if this was "her hangout," and she kinda shrugged her shoulders, stated she lived within walking distance, so she could grab a beer and then walk, so "sure."  I was getting nowhere fast, and it didn't look like it was going well, and then I asked...

"You like to try to read people, don't you?"  This is less than a week after I had observed another attractive girl and asked her, "You like to control the situation, huh?"  Both questions have gotten very similar responses...In this case, Jackie replied, "Um, yeah...how did you know that?"  I discussed her gestures, quiet, sitting back, looking on with a full gaze, rather than not being aloof.  And then, we started chatting.  And we talked in and out of a two person conversation, followed by talking with everyone else for probably about an hour.  And then I went to sing, and I decided I was going to sing all songs I'd never sung BY MYSELF before, and I felt I had nailed all but one song, but towards the end of the night, with the type of crowd that was in there, I decided to go to an old throwback, Build Me Up Buttercup by the Foundations. When I came back is when conversation with Jackie seemed to become a little more personal, instead of feeling someone out, when she asked, "Why did you sing that song? I love that song...I sing it at work all the time..."  So we chatted til it was time for everyone to go home, and while it was really cool to be told she thought I was 25 (aww), and that we talked about things we like to do, I showed her some artwork for tattoos, saying I wanted the joker in a straight jacket because I was the witty one who was probably a tad crazy (she acted out a ba du dump there), and it was all around a good time...and then...when it was time to go home, I finally figured out the "why she's here alone," thing.

"Hey, so is there a way to reach you?" Me. "Y'know, cause I had a pretty good time getting to know you."
Her, "No. I don't facebook or anything..."
Me, "Um, but you do have a phone, right?"
Her, "Yeah, but...I'm not ready for this kinda thing..."
Me, "Getting to know people?  Shit, you shoulda been doing that for years..."
Her, "No, ...y'know..."
Me, "Well, I guess I ...no, I don't. ::laughes:: Well, anyway, then, it was really a pleasure meeting you."
Her, "You too."

And it was over.  Obviously, the reason she probably doesn't facebook is an Ex. The reason she doesn't want to "meet people," is an ex. And it's always like that, it seems. You meet someone seemingly a little introverted, and the reason why is something broke them, and they are trying to meet a point in life where they can go on.  The sad thing is, I'm not sure if she's a fate believer or not, but I'm wondering now, if two things happened differently, if the night would have ended a little better...

1) If Kate hadn't stated matter of factly, "Jackie...Jackie...Rob her wants to fuck you..." And then when both Chris and I were throwing up the "what the fuck...NO NO NO!" she reiterated, "no, seriously. He does." Later I was asked by Jackie how long I'd known both of them, and I got to honestly say with Chris about 4 years, and with Kate...a couple months.

and the second thing that may've changed some perception of how reality works...

2) had I just told her the story of Chris's Epic Fail blunder at the beginning of the night, she may've tried to call bullshit, but in the end, that's the way the story played out.

So now, without further adeiu, the same story, told by a guy that fell asleep with the laptop still on his lap, sitting up in bed...
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What an interesting night. Eh, not that interesting, as my knack for not being able to get past a certain point with someone leads me back to being home alone every night with the two dogs. Tonight, this wasn't about someone I've been "working on," trying to get the same person to open up a little more, tonight was about someone that I shouldn't have had a chance with anyway, who began opening up after a few key attempts at conversation.

I have always been the type of person who observes. Some people take it a bit too far, and they come across as creepy.  The other night, I looked at this gorgeous girl and said to her, "You like to be in control, don't you?"  She looked back and was like, "oh...wow...I um..." and I was like, "what, am I wrong?" Her reply was more direct..."No, I was just telling someone that, and it wasn't here, so I know you didn't get it from there. So why would you ask something like that?" It's because I can see it in their movements, their drive, etc.

I'm going to break my typical, "I won't divulge a name because..." rule for tonights discussion, because it was interesting.  So Chris, one of my longest standing friends, invites me out to sing karaoke, for what may be my final time hanging out with his girlfriend, Kate. So, Chris wants me to meet a girl, and it's a little odd, but what ends up happening is that I get information that he sent a text message to his friend about the girl I'm supposed to meet, and it turned out that Chris wrote something like "She;s already gained about thirty lbs." And his friend replies, "what?" so they came up with a reaon certain people look better. Well, when the other girl indlued was like, "Huh?" the 3000k/

A
nyway, Kate (Chris' girlfriend) says that she'll take the fall for the  Good news it. Ao the other part of stuff tonight. Hgihlange of @....

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See, wasn't that a fun trip?

550: Movie idea..."The Layover"

It's 830 in the morning, but I just had this crazy dream and figured I'd write it down, because I thought it would make an interesting romantic comedy.

As the title surmises, it would be called "The Layover," and be about a normal guy who meets the moviestar girl, and after the long conversation on the plane, realize they need that connection in their life. Obviously, in the dream, the guy was me, so he would be the simplistic guy who is confident in his abilities to strike up conversation, not knowing who the starlet is, and she would think he's just a crazy fan, until she learns that he doesn't even know WHO she is, and while it drives her a little nuts in the beginning, she realizes that is exactly what she wants in life, the ability to have a moment as just a regular girl.

I even had a specific song in mind for it, Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know," which is interesting, because I normally don't listen to music, so I had to look the song up and all. 

I feel a little jazzed, as I am now going to leave this, my FIVE HUNDRED AND FIFTIETH post, a little jazzed about this idea, knowing that this is the first really good thing I've thought up in a LONG while.

549: Blog into the Old Apartment

Ahh, Bare Naked Ladies...what great calamity they create, and perfect for the feelings I don't know how to express, because while I'm able to laugh and joke, I'm still realizing some repressed depression and struggling with being a guy who in just under a year and a half, will be 35 and nowhere near where he wants to be in life, professionally or personally.  Now this could change, mind you, as crazier things have been known to happen, but tonight I don't think I'm going to focus on one side of life or the other, but discuss both, in a very open manner.

Oh, and let me place a shout out to my ol' dog's Junior Bruce and Just Plain Gordo for taking my review of FRIGHT NIGHT and placing it up on their BewareOfPodcast.com site. JB is my boy from way back, so I figured I'd give him a scoop on that review and Gordo's always been a good guy that I actually like, so cheers, boys. I also plugged here on their site, so I guess it's fair I throw one out to them, too.

Alright, so I'm flipping a coin to determine which one gets spoken of first, and here ...we...go. Oh, wait, I'm broke, so there is no coin...nah, I'm not that broke, I found a quarter...and heads means I discuss work first.

Alright, so I've decided that if the job hasn't gotten it through their head that I'm better than just a retail store manager by the time I am driving around in a car again (this would be early February, hopefully), I need to start bettering myself in life and NOT just sitting back waiting for it to happen. I know the new guy in charge of the area is a dick. He's really good at what he does, but he isn't very nice, and doesn't feel he needs to be.
He's handpicking people to be in charge of things I don't necessarily believe are the right fits for what they are now in charge of, and here's an example of this.

My "Dynasty" team, that has led the district overall for the past 3 years is being disbanded, so that my footprint can be around everywhere. I really don't have a problem with this, and I'm under the belief that I'm being given someone who believes they know more than what they do, and another who doesn't work for us, though sounds like the perfect guy to jump on board.  All of this, right before we jump into the hardest part of the year. Why not do this two months ago when I would have a new team up to speed? Anyway, while I'm going through this, a guy that most people don't actually LIKE is now in charge of helping train new managers and helping develop current managers. I was told that the reason I'm being given the one person that doesn't know anything instead of him was that "he does better when he hires the people, and you work well with almost everyone." When it comes to training and REtraining people isn't it important to "be able to work with almost everyone?" I tend to believe it.  AND the girl he's training to BE a store manager can't stand him, and has actually requested more training time WITH ME.

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of my bonus opportunity dwindling because people won't get out from behind a counter. I'm tired of BRAND NEW District Managers QUITTING three weeks into the job because they realize what the boss's demands are, and he isn't reasonable, meaning, you are fucked.

I've been doing retail for 12 years now, five with this company, and I've got to say...I'm better than a trainer of 18 year old kids that forget to take their ADHD meds, and it is driving me up the fucking wall now, because I'm not going to blow someone to get to where I feel I've worked my ass off to get to.

Alright, these comments obviously are of my own opinion and nothing that my company would endorse, and as such, I am stating these without mentioning where I work.

On the personal front, shit is just weird. I'm broke, and have a trip to Vegas planned at the end of the month, and I think I may just spend my time at the pool (if I can drop another ten pounds before then), and drink free at the casino, doing the ol' one line one coin at the slot machine trick, with about $20 one dollar bills for tipping (NOT A CITY IN CHINA).  So there is that, and I really just wish I could come up with about $400 to use while there, but it's lookin REAL scarce. I may be able to float around a couple bucks one way or the other, but not the $400 I'd like.

But that isn't the meat of what's bothering me. I'm still kinda talking to the same girl. She stated about ten days ago that she was going to go out on Weds Night and try to enjoy herself, and that she was sorry she had been being a bitch to me.  I didn't think she had, having lost a friend a couple months ago, and having lost a loved one a lot more recently. I then found out she's been having problems with someone else not thinking she's the best mom, which seems a little preposterous.  So I let her know that while the apology was fine, it was unnecessary, and we hung out that night, had a pretty fun time, and then I walked her to her car, the two of us made out a little, we talked for a long while and it seemed good, but off.  This past week, she showed up to hang out again, and sat with me, my buddy Chris and his girlfriend, Kate, as we sang karaoke, and just enjoyed the night, and she was definitely preoccupied.  At the end of the night, we walked to her car, and we talked for a bit, but I pushed a little bit on wanting to know what was going on in her head.

She made the little "my lips are sealed with a lock n key" motion and I told her that while I enjoy talking about myself (as you readers know), I was soon going to run out of things to just talk about, and if that ended up being the case, one of us would get bored.  I specifically then said, "And if I end up being the one to get bored, I'm going to go find something else."  Her response was direct: "You won't get bored."  Um...

I didn't know how to take that, but I re-explained that I'm here, I'll listen, I won't judge and that, "What we've been through makes us who we are.  The things we did, and how we got to here, today, leads us to the people we will become."  It didn't change her stance, and I am not sure I expected it to, but it's just a little off kilter, and I need a little more to go on.

I will get bored, or I'll rack my brain, but either way, it's bugging me. Part of me likes the little staying out real late and having someone who is obviously interested in some way here, but I think I need a little more directness, and something else...

Anyway, so, that's where I'm at right now in life. A standstill, broke and pondering why I always find the ones with some issues that lead to awkwardness...I dunno.  And it's bugging me tonight, probably because I didn't go out drinking.

548: What's a guy gotta do?! My opinions do not reflect those of my company...

Today was a prime example of why *I* am a manager in my job, and those that believe they can do the job, are just the underlings that they will probably forever be. Today, I went into work 2 hours early, doing interviews for managers, and part time positions at another store.  I did not get to my store until almost 5 hours after my shift was supposed to start.  When I got there, this is what I walked into.
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-$500 in sales.
-Our shipment was not done
-Our trade ins had not been processed.
-We had to ship 100 pieces of PS2 because we don't carry it
-The other person took a BUSINESS Check, which we don't allow.
-The business check was accepted as a TRAVELER'S CHECK
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So Okay, I went in stride, I didn't bust his balls too much, his numbers were decent, he just hadn't completed ANYTHING.  Why? I don't know, the guy has been there for 3 years, knows what's expected and everything else.

So I get there, I double the sales in an hour (while I send him to lunch), I ship off the 100 pieces of PS2, accept the rest of the shipment and not only process, but PUT AWAY ALL 150 pieces of everything else, all between 445 and 600pm. This is insane. He leaves at 7:15, and my regional manager walks in while there are 6 other people are in the store, and I'm helping a customer with a wifi issue, but my boss's boss walks in and says, "So, do these folks have the plague, or...?" And I kindly let him know I was helping one specific person with their issue, but had acknowledged everyone. I also let him know the other person was off, and after about 3 other questions, my Regional and his family discussed what they wanted to get and then left without getting anything, and him saying, "You have a few holes on the walls..."

Are you kidding me? I busted my ass, fixed all but (are you ready for this) SIX holes on the walls, and that's only because the six people had probably picked up games they didn't want, and instead of placing them back where the hole was, made a new spot for them, leaving the open space on our wall. 

This was not the moment to state, "Hey, I deserve a promotion..." And it wasn't even the moment to go, "Do you know what I did in the last two hours...?" This was a "Yup, I'll fix those SIX holes in about three minutes, when I get a second." and then fix it in 30 seconds.

I didn't take it as bad, I took it as, matter of fact, and that's what I think it was.  I asked how a new manager was doing, he stated, "Good...they may even be better than you..." and my response was a humbled, "I'm not the best, I'm trying to become the best," and noticed him just accept that, as if my "cocky attitude" had finally been molded into something more formidable.

I don't feel beat up by him anymore, I feel ready. I don't feel scared, I feel prepared.  I don't worry about his visits anymore, but had I not worked harder than I work at christmas today, before he arrived...I may have felt his wrath like I did the first time I met him.

Funny thing is...I wasn't expecting him...I was expecting more from my team.

547: I'm going to use a life line...

We've all seen. "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?", right? well, finny thing about it is, that if you take out the million dollars part, we all still notice when we are part of this...or do we?

I am going to admit..,my personal level of intoxication at the moment leaves me in a place where I may actually misspell some things, completely write the wrong statement, or just look stupid, but tonight isn't about the little things, its about the, "Really?" moments.

So I was at my normal hangout, which at this point is proving to be more of a burden than anything else, as I saw a creeper named "Hiney" that was trying to give everyone else his new name, but while he was trying to show his side, I was telling people what to expect, and was tellin his story while he was trying to get close. Dude was so creepy, that he would stand behind the table and wait for an invite of ANY sort before he would finally just say, "Hey, what are you doing there?" and then sit down at the table.

I tried to explain that this was the creepiest of the creepers. The fact that I had stated to him, "Listen, you are creeping me the fuck out" months ago, only to recognize him as he bumped into me LITERALLY...

Anyway, all that, and then some. Life lines, reading of people's destinies in their palm, etc, has always been partially of interest. Tonight, this cute asian named Lynn mentioned she has been reading palms for a long while and stated tha tshe couldn't determine how long I was going to live, though at 25 I made a  life decision and that I wasn't 100% behind my current job due to something. Heh, vague enough to be true on all acounts, but it still had me interested in what she had to say. I'm going to see where this goes and keep abreast of the situation, and yet, not allow myself to be taken advantage of.  We'll see how that goes down, ought to be interesting.

On that note, going to eat somethign tonight, and now, before I worry folks.
Rob

546: what an interesting day.

So, today I went into work for an hour and a half on my day off, knowing the store was going to receive a visit from my regional director and another regional from a different part of the country. I wanted the face tome, but also wanted to show that we were prepared for whatever he wanted to ask and discuss. Well, while I was expecting his typical hard added self, I was elated to hear his initial reaction to how the store looked, which was a loud "YESES! THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!" From there, the rest of this visit went amazingly, as he started talking numbers with me. My previous visits, he had never asked about them, but on this visit specifically, he did. In fact, I brought it up the last time, and his response was, "When the store is right, and the processes are in place, then I'll talk numbers with you." Having spoken with other managers, this is the first ANYONE has heard of him talking numbers, leading me to believe that he feels we are where we need to be,  and he believes we are doing it his way.  He even went as far as to say he wants to partner me with a few other managers and discuss sales techniques and such at our conference next month, which meant he knows his to make me feel good about my stance with the company. He left with saying, "I always ask that you show me what is your best, and every time I have been in here,  it has gotten better. And that's saying a lot, since I know I've spent a considerable amount of time here specifically."

Overall, a great visit.

Before my shift, I received a facebook message from the female of interest, which is interesting, because I was thinking my "hellos" and "u want to try to get together" were falling on deaf ears. It was just a simple "hey," but I hadn't talked to her in a while, knowing that she just had to go through the death of her dad, and she's got a lot going on. So, I tried to msg her back and FB on my phone acts up, so I couldn't tell if there was more that she wrote or not. I tested her later in the afternoon, and I told her if she wants something, let me know, and we'll move on from there. Told her I was here, but the capacity she wants needs to be a little better explained. She said it's a rough time for her right now, to which I let her know I understand, but she has to decide when it's time to move forward, but to take her time.

That's about all that happened to me, today, didn't go out, no trouble gotten into, and I looked into a little of it more of the bachelor party stuff for my friend Brian, and I think I'm going to get some VIP passes to either Aria or somewhere in the luxor in Vegas. Ought to be fun.

Ugh, it's already past one, and I have to be at the store at 8:30, so I'm gonna cut this off here.

545: Five years and this is the thanks I get...

So July 2nd was my five year anniversary with my current company, and let my state that it is the longest I've been employed by the same company ever. Sad, I know, but I was at Jersey Mike's Subs for 4 years, Best Buy for four years, Godiva for a year and AT&T for 2 and a half before this. I like my company, as the company seemingly tries to show it's appreciation to it's employees, while wrestling with the idea of being an NYSE company that always answers to the call of the almighty dollar. I get it, that's the business I'm in and understanding that, I know why we don't have payroll floating at all time high levels and why value on buyback is lower, I really do get that, but did I see myself getting a certificate for five years and a USB thumbdrive while I beg for a promotion? No.

Someone else got the promotion I have asked about for three years and I'll shed my disdain here.

I've been told you have to rank well and have the processes in place to get promoted. I'm in the top 7% of the company for the third straight year, higher than the two that have been promoted ahead of me the entire time.

I've been told I have to run a larger store to get it. While one of the managers is in a higher volume store, the other is roughly the same size and I've run mine with less payroll all year.

I've been told you need to get people promoted.  Now granted, I've had two guys ready to go, but since my boss fell asleep, no one else created openings, but I was able to recruit better that I the other two guys,  AND NEITHER of them have promoted anyone either. In fact they want to move my assistant to another Store so that I can take on another "project" and when I asked why not give the project to one of the guys promoted,  I was told, "He tends to do better with his own people, and you are better with Policies and Procedures..." WHAT?! REALLLLLLY?!

I dunno about any of you reading,  but that sounds like a design flaw that will be the death of that position he just got...If he only works well with people he hires or works with, how is he supposed to train someone to be a good manager?

I don't get it. It just drives me bananas,  and then it dawned on me. BOTH of the other guys have had other jobs on the table, one even left the company only to tuck tail between his legs and come back less than six months later...me? I've been the company guy with a big mouth. I've not put my resume out in five damn years because I thought I'd get somewhere, and I don't think I have that vote from people above me to get there.

Also, I don't kiss anyone's ass. I'm a gown ass man, my commendations, contest victories and ranks should say enough for who I am and what I've done...so fuck you if you think I need to polish the fucking corporate unit to get somewhere. They should be begging to suck my cock to keep me, and that's my attitude now. Suck it Trebeck.

To prevent any trouble: This message is the personal opinion of Rob Potchak and is not in any way, shape or form the opinion of the corporation he works for.

544: From the heart.

So, while I wrote that other post right before this, I didn't think it was fair to group these together. I'm about to tell a story that almost made me cry, because it felt so close to home.

Today, I had a family, Adam, his wife Amy and their daughter come into my store, and I noticed that Adam seemed very unresponsive.  Adam is in a wheelchair after an extensive brain injury, and today was his daughter's birthday. The family came in and as I took note to Adam's condition, I heard Amy state that this was their first time out in a long while and GameStop was one of Adam's favorite places to go, so she wanted to see him smile.

Adam's story goes back about 14 months ago, when he was in intensive care after a brain injury. He was flown to a facility in Massachusetts, where he went into a non-responsive coma for 9 months. When he finally did regain consciousness, they flew to Florida for another five months, as Adam was being rehabilitated.  Today, when the family came in, he could wheel his own wheelchair using his feet, and would speak very softly when he was spoken to.  Amy mentioned that she knows it's a good day when he remembers he's married.

Amy stated that just looking at him where he was, was a miracle. I believe her, though I drew strong similarities to my dad, and how he struggles everyday to be some semblance of what he was before his stroke, so many years ago.  While I don't pray often, I pray that Amy remains this strong forever, because to stick with him this long already, it takes a really, really strong soul.  Adam is a long way from where they want him to get to, and in time, I hope he gets to be the man he once was, as my father, unfortunately, was unable to. 

Their story blew me away...the hope, the care...it made me remember why I do what I do for a living, knowing that my store could be "one of his favorite places..." and feeling that I'm partly responsible for that.

I got choked up thinking about them, their daughter full of life, the wife full of hope, and the husband...full of fight.

While my previous post asked why should I continue where I am and not try to better myself elsewhere, this post made me realize that I can make a difference...at least every once in a while.

543: Busting your ass and getting nowhere from it...

Today was one of those days where I did everything that only a handful of folks would attempt to do, and yet, I really don't think it pushed me further to the ultimate goal of moving up in the company...again.

I was at work at 8am, a full 30 minutes before my shift started, due to medical complications on my boss's part, leading me to take point today in our "office" day of work that needed to be completed, including handling two conference calls, contacting every store in the area to see if they completed certain aspects of a sales end were taken down, etc.  Are there others that would be doing these things had I not stepped up, today? Probably, however, I believe I'm doing these extra tasks and getting nothing for it.

My store has been the best performing store in my district for over two straight years, and it's still going. Not just top ranked, but also, in the top 5% of the entire company, and still striving to be better.  I've been told I can't apply for a District Management position because I haven't been an Area Manager, but I also haven't been interviewed for the position of Area Manager, nor does my region currently have ANY people in that position. If there ARE any people in that position, I haven't heard about it, and I tend to hear just about everything.

I'm tired of it. Those who hear me talk about my job realize that I like what I do, I love being able to make people happy with my recommendations, and I love when I see the kids grow up in front of my eyes...but there are aspects of my job that just WASTE MY TIME AND ABILITY...and here we...go....

I should not be hiring 18 year old kids and trying to get them to understand the necessity of strong work ethic anymore. I should be training managers to manage. That's where my strength lies. I shouldn't be teaching someone how to ring out a transaction on the register, I should be teaching them to get others to do that with their time so they can manage their building.  I should be able to tell people that are currently in MY position how to be successful, and force them to listen...instead of pleading with them to just "please, take my advice."

So many people are "in the right place at the right time..." I don't know the last time this happened to me, I really don't. I have definitely gotten myself into the WRONG place at the WRONG time, but I've never had a job that I wanted fall into my lap, to where I can get myself to where I want to be.  And I'm tired of it. I am successful in what I do, but I'm wasted talent.

I'm Crash Davis in Bull Durham. Obviously, the long term guy that knows his place (apparently), but never quite making "The Show" to finally BE THERE.

Last year I won a Leadership Award at our Manager's Conference. It was an honor, it was something that made me really feel like I was going somewhere, and then, my regional manager left, and I was left being told, "Your professional growth may have been hindered by your former upper management..." do you know what that means? Those two years I was top 400 in the Company, I was being led on, not developed and fell behind in the "I wanna move up" department.

I'm tired of being led on, I'm tired of being told "if you keep doing what you are doing, people will take notice." If they have taken notice, I don't see it. I don't feel it, and I'm starting to feel like I'm wasting my time.

I know what they are looking for. I speak my mind TOO much, it seems, and that is a demerit in this corporate world, but honestly...I'm busting my ass...and you are wasting me away.  Don't lose talent. Build them, like you demand I do...take me under the wing so that I may help you be more successful...but no, I'm not sure they know how to do that.

They feel that by giving me a book I can learn what they mention in passing, but without mentoring and experience, there is none of that.

That's why they have been failing...and why I feel like I'm wasting my time when I should be receiving praise for my hard work.

542: expecting disappointment tonight

We all get this way. You kind of want what you want and if you don't get it, regardless of the circumstance around it, and sometimes, you just go home disappointed.  I am already assuming this is going to happen tonight.

I don't feel like really digging deep into the root of the feeling right now, as I normally do, because I tend to believe I am going to have to put on a front today and look like I am enjoying myself, even though right now, I am barely getting through a beer and not as happy as I could be. I'm just wanting something and I believe tonight will lead to me singing a bit, then going home and passing out on the couch, wondering why things can't always be seen in a positive light on a grander stage.

I know I am asking why I haven't "gotten mine," and seem bummed more often than not when I write this, but he'll, no one ever said this was happy happy joy joy...

I deserve more, and when I say I am going to grab it, I get relegated to waiting and hoping, instead of making my way to super stardom, and I'm not sure how to break that mold...and it's getting to me and hitting me on a stress level I don't like.

I'm tired of training 18 year olds. I am better than that. My talents are being wasted. My acumen is wasted on people figuring out the best way to get rid of a pimple... is that all I am worth?!

And let's not get me started on my personal life.

I also, HAVE TO ASK, why in the he'll, are kids educated if they can't even speak with Ebonics? Save the goddamned tax money for fuck sake...seriously. speak the fuck up, ENUNCIATE YOUR GOD DAMNED WORDS AND QUIT WASTING MY TIME BY NOT UNDERSTANDING THAT WE HAVE SALES TAX!!!

541: Y'ever wonder?

I think about things too much. I think about how I have what I would consider is a nice way to be romantic, but how nowadays could be looked at creepy, stalkerish or whatever else.

I read comic books and now they are really well written, so I use something I read about in Iron Man to explain this "paranoia" I have. Tony Stark called himself a "Futurist" in an issue as he explained that he sees all possible future outcomes and makes his decisions based on those possibilities," and I believe I do the same thing. My mind is extremely logical until something throws a wrench in the works and hits me with an emotion.

I know, your are probably wondering what the he'll I'm referring or wondering about that brought this up...truth is, to know is to hopefully understand that as lonely as I get, me being by myself is sometimes the best conclusion to the equation...should it be? I don't know.

My family is full of rage that they don't disperse. I have had multiple attempts to communicate this with my brother, as he is the most consistent with the rage and aggression,  and yet he will yell at me or tell me to stop it. I know I probably come off as condescending, but it is how I was raised...to belittle others to take your side in the debate. I have probably worked the hardest out pf my entire family to change that and yet, I am still guilty of it, and I know I'd take that out on people...sometimes without knowing it.

I'm just throwing these thoughts out here because I don't want to be alone, but when people ask me why I want a tattoo of Robert Bruce Banner turning into the hulk on my back, it's because I know how I get when I can't control my rage and I worry about those in my path when I get angry. The Joker in a Straight Jacket tattoo I want...little harder to describe...feel like my humor could be considered crazy and my mind trapped looking for an escape.

I am unsure I'll ever meet someone who fully understands me, but let it be known that I do FULLY understand myself when it comes to my feelings...it just does not come easy to figure out what to do about those feelings or how to control them.

I don't want to seem forceful with someone I like, but I want to progress the situation...and I'm contemplating all of the outcomes before I make my decision of where to go from here.

540: What I've been passing time with...

I have recently been watching WAYYYY too much Netflix. I've been watching a lot of 30Rock, and mostly cheesy movies...including From Dusk Til Dawn. While I do love the film, it's amazing to see how far both Quentin Tarrantino and Robert Rodriguez have come as movie makers.

I have also caught up on most comics, and anyone who has been following my Twitter, you would have seen that myself and two others have been going back and forth about one of the most epic final pages in comics in Flashpoint: Batman #2.

Still got a bit on my mind from last night, too, but doing what I can to not be thinking about it...

Funny I go days or weeks at a time without writing anything on here and then I just blow the thing up with random babbles.

539: What's wrong with this picture?

Please remember when reading this, that I often type it out on my phone, so misspellings and such are because the thoughts are coming and going so fast that I'm at the bad finger typings mercy and the horrid or abhorant spelling that comes with it.

Okay, so today, I tend to believe I'm going to be told that whatever started happening again was a bad idea and shouldn't be repeated...

No, it wasn't sex with someone out of my league, though that would be awesome,lol, no, something happened with "that girl," again. Mild flirting, turned into two people allowing themselves to take in too much alcohol, turning into "hey, let's start this over,again..."

So, I'm gonna see how long it goes before it's jeopardized by my knack of ruin. I'm not gonna throw anything at her, see her response and see where that goes.

Life is all a game, so when people tell you to act or be yourself, what they really mean is, "quit being yourself and act this way..." because rarely do people actually LISTEN, and I'm just as guilty as everyone else...or even moreso, as I really love the sound of my voice over others, commanding their thoughts and actions.

Should I have stepped into what will undoubtedly be a mess at some point? Ehh, fuck it. (Don't worry, it stays PG-13 as long as I don't say it again...) life is seeming shorter and shorter on the regular for me to really want to ponder rights and wrongs...might as well see where the current on this stream takes me and go from there...

As long as it isn't to a jail cell, I think I'm good...least for now.

538: Transformers: Dark of the Moon Review

Let me start by saying that I feel Michael Bay's best film was THE ISLAND, starring Ewan MacGregor and Scarlett Johansen (as I probably spelled BOTH their names wrong).  That movie just felt like a good movie, though the reviews for it probably weren't stellar.  It also touched upon all the things that make a "good" Michael Bay film...Big explosions, car chases, and a plot that is flimsy at best, but made better or worse by the performances of the cast involved. And this film got the casting choices nailed, was able to keep the explosions down for the most part, and you felt for the poor clones...

So let's get to the meat of my review for the latest Transformers movie, Dark of the Moon. I like the interlude prequel moments where you find out that there was another ship from Cybertron that made it out, and then somehow crashed on the moon. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldren had 21 minutes to check out the wreckage, and began doing so, and then suddenly, in 1972, another trip to the moon was planned but scrapped.

Now, Optimus Prime and his ragtag wannabe Transformers of now (they are not, nor EVER will be the Gen 1 Robots in Disguise that we all know, LOVE and wish this movie was about) end up in Chernobyl and find out that the engine core from that ship was brought to Earth.  Optimus yells at the American Defense Dept for a bit, but then meets Buzz Aldren and suddenly decides that they must go to the moon to get whatever that ship had and try to bring back its captain, former Autobot Leader, Sentinel Prime.

Here's where things go a bit weird, because obviously, they bring in Shia Lebeouf, and he's pointless as a "leading actor," and even more pointless as the cute guy that somehow keeps having MEGA HOTTIES fall for him. No Megan Fox this time, as we're treated with someone who acts about as well as a Victoria's Secret model.  The emotion on her face was clearly an ad for Cover Girl.

So okay, back to where the movie takes a weird turn. We're introduced to Megatron with half a head, who now transforms into a truck and keeps picking robotic bugs out of his half head.  We finally see Lazerbeak, and instead of being a cool bird, comes across as a robotic turkey / buzzard.  And then we get the WTF moments...

Sentinel Prime is brought back to life by "The Matrix of Leadership," which now rests in Optimus, and is supposed to be in the leader of the Autobots...but for some reason, they found it in the last movie from the Ancient times, which means multiple generations of Autobot leaders did not possess it, including Sentinel Prime.  Optimus attempts to give it to Sentinel Prime, who explains he's no longer the leader, Optimus is.

So okay, we find out about a government cover up not only from the Americans, but the Russians as well, we learn how it came about, though I don't understand where the funding for the cover up came from or HOW it's been going for Generations, since Megatron was found in the first movie frozen in a block of ice, and not creating government conspiracies.

Okay...So I'm taking this film for it's own from here on out.  This is my REAL opinion.  The human scenes looked like a Rock Music video for Goo Goo Dolls or some other act, as they were more posed than natural, the girl was definitely flaunted in a "We don't need no Megan Fox" feel, and Shia should NEVER be a leading man. 

All that said, just like Revenge of the Sith, if you can sit through 2 hours and 15 minutes of bad plot that ties horribly to what came before it, can get past the car chases, explosions, and really just cut out the human moments of the movie...the last fifteen minutes of the film is where the meat of the movie is.  And no...

There is no room for another sequel, unless Unicron has now figured out the Space Bridge technology and comes to Devour earth, forcing Autobots and Decepticons to come together, though I'm not sure there ARE any Decepticons left...

What does this review mean?  I enjoyed about 30 minutes of the movie, which breaks down to about 1/5 of the film. I REALLY enjoyed those minutes though. The rest? It wasn't thought out, it was definitely done for a toy line, and it is kind of depressing that all it really made me want was a Transformers vs. Terminator film when you see the destruction of Chicago happening.

If you want to see a good 3D movie, and are just going for visual? Michael Bay gives you THAT. If you want a deep and emotional film...wait for Jim Cameron, who now that I think about it...if they ever reboot Transformers...spare no expense, and give THAT man the keys to the castle, Hasbro...He would give us Generation 1 in a way that we could only HOPE to imagine.

537: Another Speech...Fu and Krysta's wedding...

Some reflection, first...I know I should be coming up with words to describe these two getting married. He's one of my best friends, and she's the best thing to happen to him, so why is this the first time I struggle with the words?  We are all supposed be able to express this stuff, right? No, I know that's not true, but I am, its what I do, it's how I am.  so let's see if i can come up with something...
--

As I struggle to call him "John," for only like the 5th time ever, many more people have come to know him by another name.  No, not Ron from Best Buy, and obviously it isn't by his last name, as no one pronounces J's as H's...He's Fubar, and I've known him longer than most of the people here, except family, I believe. To be up here, saying this, is truly an honor that can't be expressed. You want to go into the embarrassing moments, like the time he slept outside on stairs because we locked the door to the beach house, or drinking games that turned into sharpie on the face drawing contests...or even that one time I told him if he was bleaching his hair that he should bleach the eyebrows, as well...but that isn't what today is about.

Today is about him making the best decision he has ever made. Expressing his love and devotion to the best thing that has happened to him. While I am not sure I understand the connection him and Krysta share, I do know that sometimes the puzzle pieces fit together even when they look like they shouldn't.  He cares for her, she takes care of him. 

I met Krysta at a poker game, where she was determined to win, and when she claimed she was all in, John was determined to see it through, using the sweet nothing..."Sorry, baby, but I call..."  I'm not sure who won that hand,  they may have even chopped the pot, but when they both got knocked out and I got called a "Deusch Bagel with Cream cheese" and they both laughed, I knew I didn't have to understand them for them to understand each other.

Something happened when they got together...While she has always seemed mature, John had finally made a serious step in life to adulthood...marriage, buying a house...pretty soon he'll be buying linens and attending dance recitals...okay, enough of this...

I love both you guys, and with that I salute with our favorite drinking salute...Krysta, Fubar, MA FU HAI!

534: Wednesday night thoughts

Plans like rules are apparently meant to be broken. I can't stay out all night, and the people I was supposed to hang out with all seem to have changes their plans. No big deal, but kinda disappointing.

Game 7 of the Stanley cup finals is on at the bar, and I am assuming that's why the place is as busy as it is...but who really cares about Boston v Vancouver? I don't even think the people originally from these places care about the outcome, which sucks because Game 7 is a blessing from the hockey gods, but a 3-0 score is not.

There's a table not too far from me that seems to be some sort of business outing, otherwise it just doesn't make sense. One guy, sitting at the head of the table and four attractive women all sitting around him, hovered in as if he's talking about the most important thing they will ever hear. Interesting and weird all rolled together.

I decided that I need to start doing something about my stomach and how I have to lose some weight a d hope that corrects my blood pressure Issues. I don't think its crazy out of whack like it used to be but I'd rather not fall over from a heartattack if I can prevent it. I know I need to take better care of myself and all, but I am definitely a lazy shit, so it's extremely difficult for me to motivate myself.

I'm sure more is going on in my head, but someone just bought the entire bar a shot...

533: Post E3 feelings

So I'm back from my trip to LA and everyone knows what I felt about that as I was enjoying myself as I always do but at the same time, disappointed in the feelings I had about being alone, not at the show, but in life in general. No sweat, though, the job keeps me busy enough as I continue to live like a hermit. Lol.

Arriving home, people have explained their jealousy of me and my trip, but otherwise, it is back to business as usual. Try to be successful in a world that doesn't get you laid, but you're the envy of 15 year old guys. Where's the irony there?

The show was amazing, and I saw more video game shit than I would k ow what to do with and of course will spend so damn much money on it. I think what I'll do is find both my facebook and twitter posts and compile them for people here in one or two blobs so they can see how I felt as I was seeing everything. Otherwise, you can look for me on youtube (robpotchak) to get 15 second scoops of what was happening AS IT HAPPENED. Man, I already miss being there, as it was MY ELEMENT. I feel lime that's where I could live like a king and be a success in alls eyes.

I think on my day off tomorrow I have every intention of finishing "Emotional Intelligence 2.0" so I can begin working on my improvement areas and make myself a monster of a manager, and maybe more...high aspirations for a retail store manager. 

I've begun writing about a comic character created by me and someone else, using other tried ideas and spinning them on their ear to try to make them entertaining and different. We'll see how it comes out. I've decided to do what I call "snippet stories" as a way to make them quick, painless and easier on a n artist looking for something to do as they prepare for the next work.

I'll probably post the first script here after completion because it's interesting.

Gonna end this now, suddenly in a fun conversation about how "crew" is pr is not a sport....

532: tactical errors when making trip

Next year, if I decide to come back to E3, I am definitely staying at one of the hotel rooms at one of the sponsored hotels, because the perks of doing so are better...I also need to make sure i'm not flat broke.

While I have had an amazing time, and enjoyed my experiences while here, I disallowed myself to really do anything except be healthier while here...I've walked about 8 miles over two days, had nothing to drink and feel like I may've lost ten pounds...but meeting up with outside people just didn't happen.

I've kept myself out of most bits of trouble, while running my mouth a bit to keep it fun. I had conversations with people both higher and lower on the gaming ladder and it is all fine and good...but...

Something is missing from my world right now...it's really beginning to bother me, too...dunno why, but it's really got me bothered now and I'm not even sure where I need to go with that bothered frustrations...

I look at this show and realize that it was the opportunity I should have taken to meet someone...or someones lol...but I didn't. 

Uggh I feel happy and sad at the same time...how is that possible?

530: Fudged up flights ...

So here we go, beginning my vacation on the wrong note.

Yesterday, my mom who was kind enough to watch my dogs and pick me up for my trip to the airport decided that she wanted to bring me to Durham last night, which she did, but only after a fight with me because she hadn't told me that I was going to see a movie.  It all ended up working out, as the movie sold out, but I could.have had more notice of what she wanted to do before 7pm when I'm trying to go see a 7pm movie...anyway.

Today, I was dropped off at the airport 3.5 hours early, and that was no big deal, until that became 4.5 hours because the plane needed maintenance. I already don't like flying, but this may cause issues with my connectig flight and put into jeopardy the Nintendo conference I'm already thinking I may miss because I haven't gotten my badge holder for the show.

Oh well,  I am actually typin this on the plane and whilebi DID bring my laptop with me, this is on my phone in airplane mode, which is nice because it gives me somethig to do on the flight...though if I'm that late for the connecting, I'm worried my carryon won't have room since I'll most definitely be the last one to board.

So I dropped some bombshells on Twitter today about rumored RAINBOW SIX and how the Kinect works with Ghost Recon and I wasn't even at the show yet. Couple that with that I nailed the BATTLEFIELD 3 release date, and eight months ago told everyone to expect a new Nintendo console at E3, you'd almost think I have an inside source for the biggest game show on the planet...truth is...I don't.  Sure, I have friends in the industry, but they are locked down in NDAs so I just do what Michael Pachter always does...listen to the wind blow, know how the industry rolls and make educated guesses that really make sense.

People saying "expect the next Xbox" are two years off. You have to understand the highs and lows...People ask all the time when to expect DIABLO III? This one is simple... the industry is full of NYSE companies like EA, ACTIVISION and TAKE 2. That means expect DIABLO III when Activision isn't earning the capitol that they need to generate to make their share holders happy...THAT is why Nintendo is announcing a new System...price drops on the Wii haven't made sales happen and the 3DS while.amazing missed its projected sales in its first Quarter.

The industry really is that simple...Why is CALL OF DUTY not Kinect or Move supported? It doesn't have to be to sell buttloads...but Mass Effect 3 will add voice commands from Kinect because it was generally a 360 game and now to keep Microsoft happy, they are adding a reason to keep it on that system. Ghost Recon wants to be relevant? Add features the other shooters don't have and BAMMM cement your place back in people's minds.

I'll probably write more later, but this one basically just trned into a "I know I'm smart with the industry," but I think you already knew that. Lol

It's amazing how lucid one can be at 50,000 ft or whatever we ar up here.  Like I said, I'll probably write more later, but by the time I get to my destination, Sony will have already announced God of War 4 and at least one Move game we weren't expecting...and Kevin Butler will probably make at least one joke about the network outage.

You may've heard it from me first, if I was allowed to tweet from the plane...

531: thoughts on the plane...

So my first thought is that since I have my phone on airplane mode, is it 7:52 or 8:52? I have no idea how long I've been on the plane, but I know my phone is down to half a battery.

I came to a real decision the other day that I will not continue to pursue the single mom I've spent too much time blogging about, and instead I'm going to invest more time in figuring myself out and what I really want. I realized that even when buying a house, a car or any real decisions I've made, I ALWAYS compromised something, and I don't think when it comes to finding someone I want to spend "my life with" that I should compromise on ideals, beliefs or just wants...I mean, as I look back, I remember getting the Gray VIBE car even though I really wanted the blue...I settled for a one car garage on a house instead of the two I wanted, and then when you look at the woman I get most intrigued by seem to have more issues than positive qualities...

I recently learned, speaking of flaws, something I had heard but had no proof before yesterday. It seems my exwife really was pulled over for DUI again, in Hillsborough, and while what she does with her life is no story I care to hear about...how do you allow yourself to continue down the road when you've seen others head down that slippery slope? Karma and luck are crazy hitches, but they are even worse drinking buddies.

I should be excited this week...I'm in my element and the women around are into the same things I am, so why do I feel "blah?"

I obviously don't want to come across as that fork the booth babes have to smile to and then laugh at when you leave, and I legitimately want to meet up with some people that I actually DO know, but I still would like to meet some new life long NORMAL video gamers NOT the folks who only leave mom's basement for this and Star Trek conventions...

30 minutes left on the first flight and then I have to run two gate sections to try to not miss my flight as it will be boarding by the time I'm off here...maybe I can get a ride on one of those carts...

I would say at this rate, expect two more blogs tonight and if I can't sleep maybe I'll cue up a video one when I get to my hotel...man, I'm expecting it to be a dump... so hopefully its ok...

528: I used to write fiction...

It's true, I did. I used to write about plagues taking over and killing off large chunks of the populace to make way for only the strong to survive. I used to write funny books about ebonic speaking X-Men, vampire murderers and a lot of crazy shit, back in the day.  So what the fuck happened? 

I got too wrapped up in crappy ass shit in the "real world."  I stopped going balls out and trying to impress the world with my written word, and every good idea I've had has turned into gobbledygook that never gets finished.  Without deadlines, I'm stale.  Without real possibility it will get published, I don't continue to touch it, and I'm not in a creative place in life to where I can get the good stuff published anymore.

I mean, let's just look at some of my past wonders that were never done:

THIEF, a story about redemption after something horrible created the circumstance.
REHAB, the life of a villain, as he believed it to be a disease and not destiny.
DreadMutt, the story of the interstellar bounty hunting dog, always emasculating guys as he beats sense into them,
ARDY, my 1986 creation that I still wear T-shirts for and still want to see happen as a cartoon someday
LANDIS, my "most famous" story, drawn by Avengelyne's artist, Owen Gieni and even cover work from DC's own Ethan Van Sciver, about an immortal in a super-powered world, and her search for Thor's hammer.
TAGGER, the sequel to Landis, as another immortal actually witnesses a virus turn normal humans into zombies, his attempt to save the remnants of humanity, as he finds himself in the process.

I mean, these are just some of the ideas...there's also, Before the Dawn, the revamp of Scorn and much more, yet, I find myself with no interest to continue any of them, least of all, start another.  I am not sure why, but I believe it's because I feel no motivating factor to get this done.  My artwork is not good enough for anything other than photoref work, and even that, people either like it or not, but it would never be good enough for a 22 page comic or a 96 page graphic novel that I'd shop to Image or anyone else.

I dunno, I find myself dragged down by something that prevents me from doing anything about it, but as you all can read, I definitely have the writing chops to pump this out every so often.  I don't get it...I used to write fiction, now I just seem to write "Woe is me."

527: Numbness and mental anarchy

Before  I really get into a 3am diatribe about myself, does everyone like the new look of the place? I do. I thought about changing the actual blog font, but figured it may be too difficult to read if it was in a silly font, so I just spruced up the rest of the site, felt that I made it easier to read and so forth...The White on black fonts sometimes to me feel easier to read at night than the black on white.

Tonight I saw her. I was at where I always am, and it seemed weird to start. I saw her, she sat down, I sat next to her and started asking about the things in her life, her kids, her dad, etc, and while not trying to be nosey, was asking to show I actually sympathized and wanted to be there to listen, etc for her. Two of her friends showed up and split us up from just the two talking, and I move across the table. Her friend was discussing about how she was inches away from breaking up with her boyfriend over what time she was supposed to pick him up, and she stated, "Had he listened initially, he would know, I told him tomorrow, not tonight..." yada yada yada.  I joked and said that believing he listened was her first mistake, but then I asked, "so this is something big enough to break up over?"

The joke then turned a bit funnier, when her friend said, "You best watch it, Rob, otherwise, she may take you out..." meaning the more literal of beating me up, but I took the moment to make a joke and stated, "Well, that may be good for her...to take me out."

So as the night progressed, I found out that the one I've chatted about at long end about has split from the guy that she started seeing when she stopped any type of "interest" in me.  I started joking with her about a few things, minor adolescent flirts, and then pretty much left that part alone. At the end of the night, we went outside and I walked her to her car, and chat with her, and while she was talking about certain things she seemed really sure about (her son, etc), but then I noticed she stopped making eye contact with me, again, and when I asked her why, she said that only one other person knows why she tries not to, and that since I couldn't read her, good luck trying to figure it out.

It was awkward towards the end.  When she stopped our fiddling around a month ago, she didn't look me in the eye, but she was able to tell me she didn't want it anymore...tonight, she didn't say anything, she just stopped looking at me, and made small talk about how she should probably go. I took this as a "Nothing changed with us, here..." And an awkward pause, while not sure how to rid herself of the loyal stray...

I don't get it. Why am I intrigued by the situation? Why do I push myself into pursuit, when at this point, I'm probably just wasting more time and effort than I should?

I dunno, and because of that, it seemed, that while I know she's going through a whole heckuva lot, she's pushing everything and everyone away from her, at least from my perspective, but mainly, pushing me away because I've actually shown interest in wanting to help her find her smile, again.

The mental anarchist moment I have here is why do I punish myself with this? I've applied more effort for no result, I've attempted to connect with no wireless service, and I even think my intelligence has probably been insulted when all I've done this time is be the nice guy who's trying...

What do I know? I already know where my mental hangup is...if only I could shoot it up, get rid of it and start doing what I need to for me to get back out there and meet the right person for me...or at least for the next couple weeks...

526: Full day...

I told myself I had to get a lot done, today. I had to take my bike down to Durham to get it looked at, and then repaired.  Turns out that the carbeurator had been completely blocked, and thus, needed to get a massive cleaning, and then it worked fine. The trip itself took me an hour and a half to get down to the place to do it, because even though I only live about 25 miles from it, there's no easy way there. I was, however, able to get back from there in an hour and five minutes, I guess less waiting at lights, the bike was running better so it probably was going a tad faster, as well. 

I also had to head to downtown Raleigh to get my travel permit for my E3 trip next week, which while its going to be awesome, looks like it is going to have one crazy snag...I can't use my cellphone, because Verizon thought it nice enough to tell me I may be over my minutes AFTER I went over my minutes. So, here, I'll finish the part about the travel permit, and then write my frustrations about the rest, next.  I had my friend pick me up in Durham, and after a side track, we headed to Raleigh, I waited 15 minutes for my permit, and then she showed up, I signed the sheet of paper and bazinga, I was on my way BACK to Durham, so that she could get her Driver's License renewed, and then we headed back for my bike. So yes, Raleigh, Durham, Raleigh, and Durham again.

The sidestep that we had was to get me fitted for a Tuxedo for a wedding at the end of the month. Man, did I look FAT in it...not to be mistaken, however, I did look damn good for a fat guy...So they are right, I liked the way I looked...and they guaranteed it...for $180. Yeesh.

Okay, so back to the cellphone business. I just sent an email to my boss regarding this measure, because my phone at my store for some reason, the tone on the #3 button does not allow me into our conference call, so I've had, on multiple occasions, to call from my cell phone. So each of these calls made from my personal number should be reimbursable, as they were probably the majority of my minutes, since I almost never TALK on the phone, and I have both unlimited msg and data.  So, I'm hoping that I get reimbursed for this, because I believe its $.45 per minute over and as of this morning, I was already over by 12...

I also checked in on my dog, who hasn't been doing well, and the doctors now know that what she has is "Lung Related," so hopefully they can give her the drugs necessary to boot it out of her system.  Here's hoping, anyway, because I would really like to see her healthy again.

Now to something else:

Over the past week or so, I realized something that I hadn't noticed before...I was getting sentimental about stupid little shit, and it led me to make the distinction that I believe I'm depressed. No, not to the point where I'd go, and someone will find me all David Carradine'd in my bathroom, or anything, but to the point where I'm in a funk that I'm not sure how to rid myself of.

Okay, here's the selfish part, besides friends, family, dogs and work, I don't have a lot going on. I miss the companionship that I once had. No, I do not miss my ex-wife, but I miss the ability to go home, and find myself able to not just talk about my day, but rest next to someone else.  I'm one of those people who actually likes that, and while I like my own thing more often than not, I have recently wanted to just be in that kind of warm fuzzy moment that comes with a relationship...

Therein lies the dilemma...I don't think I want another relationship, though, as after I get comfortable, I tend to take those for granted.  I just kinda want to feel something out, enjoy the moments, and really like someone enough to where it makes me WANT more. I thought I was gaining in that area, and then it just seemed to stall out like a bad moped with a blocked carberator...see what I did there?

I know what my emotional hangup is. I don't take that chance because I typically only bet on the sure thing. Hell, reason I took the chance I did recently was because I knew she was into me, when she made a move while hammered on her birthday, and that allowed me the inch I needed to make the courage thing happen. I need that opening, and I just don't know when its there, and when someone is just being "Nice." I guess I could make my own luck, since that's what so many others do, but I play the numbers game, and it is always logic beating emotion.  It sucks, too, because I'm an emotional cat, and yet I feel as though my rationale prevents me from taking certain risks because they aren't in the "high odds" category.

You can't get this much fodder anywhere else, can you?  I mean, I'd talk about this with almost anyone that would listen, as that's just who I am, but I need something else in my life. Something that will garner me cleaning the apartment, something that will make me will myself to do things on my day off that I'd never consider right now (like going for a WALK), etc. 

I have had a lot of different things that I wanted to do in my life, but I've never felt like I was really told, "You should DO THAT!" and then go out and become famous at it. My family negatively motivates, because they were negatively motivated. They don't always realize that's what they are doing, but they are. I love'm, and wouldn't trade them for a player to be named later, but sometimes, you just have to have that new person that not only do you impress them, but their words impress you...

And its been a long time since I have had someone that I have felt the need to impress with me.

525: Attempting Video...First attempt.

So this is my first attempt at a video blog...vlogging, if you will. I can see that the sound is very low, so I'll have to see if I still have a microphone to determine if I want to continue this again.  I also saw that I can actually record just the computer screen if I want to, which is pretty weird, or just do podcasting audiostyle, if I'd like, which I may go to, since most people probably don't need to see my mug.

Anyway, this video is about 6 minutes long or so,just me going from random thought to random thought, but I figured it's the first try, so I'll bang around a bit with it.

529: Am I the only one left?

I don't normally complain about being lonely, but recently, my brother noted that a lot of people we know are getting married this year, and it struck him as odd. At the same accord, while it doesn't strike me as odd, it does strike in my chest from time to time as I feel that the relationship business has swept out and passed me by. I mean, when you think about it, Christy and I were together for so long that I forgot proper etiquate for dating, don't know the first thing about starting an open ended conversation not related to video games, wrestling or comic books, and I just am unsure about my "machismo" or whatever bullshit you want to call it.  Is it an insecurity within me that prevents me from being able to make myslef interesting? 

It shouldn't be that last thing as I know I'm not only interesting, but dammed loyal, almost to a fault.

I don't get it, but I'm not throwing a woe is me out there, I just don't get why they aren't interested. I'm a decent looking guy, I bend over backwards to get things done and I still just don't understand it.

Oh well, maybe I will be the last guy left, which means that at some point, I'm bound to fall into something...and it has to be better than this rut I find myself in.

It's interesting that I keep coming back to this issue, since I obviously have no idea how to correct it or move myself from it. Some nights I tell myself I'm a million bucks and I will show people I'm worth that, but then at half past ten, I'm back to just being the awkward guy who is always in the same place because it's comfortable, rather han breaking my mold, trying something different and showing more people that I should be the catch.

More interesting is that the things that interest me are becoming more popular, as can be seen by the abundance of good comic book related movies, TV series, etc that are attracting more women to them, and yet... still, no dice. Que?

I had a conversation with a younger girl that is interested in what seems to be a lot of the things I am also interested in and she seems to be in the same boat. She doesn't live nearby, either, otherwise I would probably try to show more interest, but we always seem to want what we can't have and it isn't even seemigly because we can't have, but because they don't want...

What is the trick? Is it lowering the standards? Is it random abductions and hoping for Stockholm syndrome? Or is it supposed to be, stop looking and it will find you? Because I think I would have a better chance with the second one over the third...though, ladies, that is NOT my style, lol.

With that said, I don't think I'm the only person suffering from mild depression, as I know that after an episode the other night, I believe another person is and apparently his life ain't where he wants either.

Okay, so I'll just say flat out that I'm writing and posting this guy from my phone, so if you notice spelling errors that I don't normally have, this is from my phone and when I go on a rant, I don't stop and look at the spelling, so some words may be replaced with garbage predictive text or whatever...

Oh, and I don't know if tonight is "Ladies Night" at the Fox and Hound in Raleigbbut there are more attractive women here than I have seen anywhere in months tonight...just saying.

And on that note, peace out...

524: I had two 522's...

I hadn't written in a while and actually had someone text message me about it, but I told him I hadn't really had anything I wanted to write about...so I just didn't.

Situations with that girl have stalled entirely because she's had another family tragedy, so I haven't seen her, and aside from some texts and whatnot, no other communication so it just is what it is.  I had gotten pissed off at the situation because I felt she made a bad choice, but in life those are the choices she's allowed to make and obviously, the logical thinker's opinion doesn't matter, no matter bow right it sounded or appeared.

Work has totally kicked my ass and whipped me back into shape with getting shit done, as well.  I worked about 55-60 hours last week, getting my store in order the way my new regional manager wanted and I'm still unsure if it's exactly how he'd like, but it definitely allowed for some personal touch thinking, something I had not been allowed to do in probably the last two years.

My district manager told me the other night that I am not "where you should be professionally" due to the not being able to critically think for myself when those that stand out normally are allowed to make choices that can help their business.  It stinks to hear, because I hadn't thought I changed, but I had, and now it's more about gettin the labors of my staff to where they need to be so that I can concentrate on directing the business. It is an interesting change in perspective, and will continue to be so going forward as long as the movement and growth are not taken from me again like a lobotomy.

I also saw Hangover Part Two, and it wasn't as funny as the first one, but it was hysterical and you should.definitely wait for the end credit photos.  The movie was full with the same stylized jokes from the first film and Todd Phillips really knows bow to keep.someone entertained. This movie should definitely be taken in, and I think would be even better if you watched both together. I won't ruin it for anyone, but the drug dealing monkey is awesome.

Til next time...

522: lots on the mind, not sure how the words will flow.

So my new regional boss is kicking my ass. I felt like I was busting my own ass, but apparently not. I believe him when he says he will get you to where you want to go, only I can't tell if he's trying to make that decision a "quit" as my choice, or a "promote me" from me.

He's intense, good at what he does, and he will never let.you feel like you accomplished something. These are good traits, unless you HAVE accomplished a lot of things. 

Anyway, unlike EVERYONE else, he has been in my store almost everyday this week, and he really does put in the time.

The girl situation is still bugging me, but only because she's been in a down mood recently, and I can't figure out why.  I just haven't been communicating with her as much because I have nothing to gain from it, and while I worry about her, if she isn't willing to say, "this is what's bothering me" than I can't help and all advice from everyone is generic and doesn't accomplish anything... but what do I know...

I guess more soon...

522: Investing too much of myself to nothing.

So I had this want to call her last night, and I just didn't. I also wanted or felt the need to get a drink last night and I didn't.  I also woke up at 7am this morning, when I don't have to be at work until 3pm... this is a terrible feeling, as I will undoubtedly run out of gas before that.  Unfortunate, too, as I have my boss and his boss coming to my store tonight for the launch of LA Noire, and then tomorrow, I'm supposed to possibly have THEIR boss coming to my store...yeesh.

Anyway, I feel that I'm at the end of trying to feel for something that isn't really there.  I'm not anticipating gaining anything from how I feel for someone in this specific situation, as I've already run most of the outcomes through my head, and really feel like Tony Stark at the beginning of Civil War...a futurist.

Isn't it weird when you have all the answers, know what the proper solution is, but because you've deduced that through logic, it has to be thrown out the window because it isn't about logic, it's about emotion, and the feelings you have.

If I were able to just convert the feelings to understand the logic, I'd already be moving to the next situation. Oh well, guess that's part of my self management that needs to be worked on as well.

I'm finding myself getting pissed off at the situation from the other night. Not because I didn't do anything, but because the asshole gets a pass for talking shit about defenseless people. Everyone gets to choose how they live their life, but for fuck's sake...really? I just don't get people.

Argh...I'm sure my mind will still be on this later...

521: Calm before a storm or two...

Apparently, I upgraded the look of blogger, LOL and didn't even realize it.  I've been thinking of adding some Vlogging to the site, since all I have to do is click that little button and add videos, now.  I dunno, though, because normally, when I'm typing on here, I'm a little "less than appropriate," as I am typically not "business casual" while typing.

The rewrite on BEFORE THE DAWN is coming along. I almost want to just scan the original proposal in, as I said it was 10 years old, but it has to be older than that, because it was before Smallville started, and that show, having just finished it's tenth season, had to have been going longer than that, with hiatus' and how seasons linger into the new year, etc. 

My LIKE page on Facebook (search Rob Potchak, it's the hand drawn art one), has 262 likes, and I'd like to increase that. I have stated for every 50 new LIKES, I will give free artwork away. I think this is a pretty swank offer, but what do I know? People always want me to draw something, but they never want to pay for it?  Did it take time for me to do it? Yes. Did I put an effort into making you look good in it? Yes.  Why can photographers get paid for it, and anyone with another talent just gets brushed to the side as, "oh, nice hobby, can you draw ...?"

I'm in a bit of a mood today, as my poker game got cut short with this hand... I had in the pocker Ace, Seven. I call the raise because it's just two people.  Flop comes up: Queen Seven Seven...Three of a kind. I've stoned the other player. Now, rope him in...I check, he bets, I raise, he calls.  Next card, a nine. He bets, I raise, he calls. WTF does he have? River, a Jack.  He checks, I go all in, he calls and yells, "I flopped a straight..." He had King Ten, so he did WIN the hand, but are you serious? You flopped GARBAGE... you kept betting it...and while you were dominated, you basically took about a 2.5% chance, and ended up catching it.  ANY other of those cards shows up other than an inside straight jack, on the river, and I double up and the rest of the game goes differently. 

I have to work today, tomorrow, a midnight opening the next night and then on Tuesday. Originally I was working through Thursday, but now, my assistant manager has explained that he has an engagement party on Saturday that HE NEVER REQUESTED OFF FOR...Really? How the fuck am I supposed to know you want the time off when you didn't follow the request for time off rules?!  Am I being too hard on the situation? I don't think so. This is like the 4th time he's had an issue with the schedule, and his statement was, "I didn't get a chance to talk to you about my schedule before you wrote it..." you are right, because you didn't follow the guidelines.  I should make him work that shit. I feel for the kid, I really do, but this is like the third time he's fucked with a weekend off for me because he didn't follow a VERY SIMPLE RULE.

Anyway. I need to actually get ready for work, and figure out what to do with no money, since my debit card was left in a cash machine, I believe...God, I'm an idiot sometimes.

520: Emotionally Intelligent? Or am I preparing for emotional letdown, again?

So I took a test yesterday as part of the book I'm reading (Emotional Intelligence 2.0) required, and here are the results of it vs. people in the same age bracket and work field:


Overall Emotional Intelligence: 82.0%
Your overall emotional intelligence score of 86 is higher than 82.0% of Male ages 30-39 living in North America with a job function of Sales and with a job title of Manager.
Personal Competence
76.0%    Self-Awareness
Your score of 85 is higher than 76.0% of Male ages 30-39 living in North America with a job function of Sales and with a job title of Manager.
57.0%    Self-Management
Your score of 79 is higher than 57.0% of Male ages 30-39 living in North America with a job function of Sales and with a job title of Manager.
Social Competence
85.5%    Social Awareness
Your score of 87 is higher than 85.5% of Male ages 30-39 living in North America with a job function of Sales and with a job title of Manager.
93.5%    Relationship Management
Your score of 93 is higher than 93.5% of Male ages 30-39 living in North America with a job function of Sales and with a job title of Manager.




Why is this important? It allows me to see that while there is still areas for improvement in my own management ability (especially in the Self Management category), I have a very keen understanding in how to run a business, but also, an even stronger sense in how to read people, feel them out, and keep a strong running business.
This is all wonderful, until we try to shift it to personal life. Why am I saying this? It appears that I am more socially aware of things than I am self-aware, implying I know more about what's going on AROUND me, than I necessarily know about myself. Almost as if, I know your emotions, and can use them to my advantage, but when turned around, and needing to utilize my own, I do not do it in nearly the same fashion…hence…


We'll use my current personal turmoil. With "Girl," was able to understand that she had a serious doubt about her recent decision, only two weeks after making the decision. She said things like she shouldn't have wanted space when trying to deal with the passing of a friend, but she didn't know how to ask for anything else. She knew she didn't want to push me away, and felt my words were pushing her away, or at least that's what she said. Now, when you add that to the changing in old boy's behavior when he's had a few drinks and discussed her with his family, she questions a decision that was so clear cut, just a short while ago. But while she was questioning the decision, she would not SAY she was questioning the decision, and her "look" and her lack of decision making forced me to do one of two things…make a move, or tell her I'd respect her original decision until she decides it was wrong. I could tell her I felt she made the wrong decision, but my opinion of it is bias, and all semi-intelligent amoebas could see that.
In a way, I had the same hiccup she did. In my work environment, we call this STAR vs. STARAR…
SiTuation + Action = Result vs. SiTuation+Action=Result +Alternate action = new Result.
Basically, the definition of insanity vs. the realization that a new action must be taken to get a different result.
Now, in a workforce environment, this is easier implemented. In an personal environment, you have specific things your mind builds around, buffers, disconnects and bumps in the road that have led you to the decisions you make.
Here, I made the decision to NOT do something and respect her, instead of trying to make a move on her that would have given her the ability to react in a way that I could see she wanted, but then the alternative result could have been different than sitting there for 2 hours and talking… ie, could have been good, like she tell me that I am right and she needs to make the right decision; she could have felt an extreme amount of guilt, shied away and left a lot faster, or I could have been totally wrong on my read (which I don't for a second believe), and she could have told me that I was completely wrong, called me an ass for making a pass at a vulnerable woman, and left in disgust.
Obviously, there are many other possible results that could have come up, here, but the general rule is the most logical decisions are just that, though when it comes to emotion, there's no real way to tell which result will come, and because of that, I typically choose the result before the alternative action can take place…ie, the simple road, and due to that, I think I'm setting myself up for emotional letdown.
Sure, I liked the result…talking to someone I'm interested in for 2 hours, just me and her, letting my opinion of what's going on with her out in the open and discussing my feelings when this is something I haven't done since my ex-wife. I'm opening up to a person who has the same disconnects, but while I'm opening up, she's sitting there and staying hardshelled and wall built, stating "I've never been allowed to say what I'm feeling, so I can't."
My actions make me want to push the situation, be closer to her, so I can help mold the decisions, but I'm not sure that's fair.
I explained it like the movie INCEPTION. In the movie, the idea is to place a base fragment of a memory in someone's brain so they believe the idea is theirs, it grows, so a decision can be made that is different from any decision they may've come up with on their own. With Girl, this is probably what I'm doing.
I know she has feelings for me, but I want to mold those feelings so that she knows that I was the right choice, vs. the guy she's known for years, had something special with and now, shortly after they've rekindled, already having some serious issues with. The idea is to make myself into the better man, have her realize SHE came up with that distinction, and have her make the decision.
Is it a mind game? Yes. Why would it not be, everything else in the cat and mouse game is, why would this be any different? Problem is, the history she shares with him gives him mulligans that I just have not built up, and thus, it's not only an uphill battle, but a damned near impossible one if the guy never makes another mistake…
Then I'm just the oddball left out.

519: Keys to the castle

I'm almost wondering if I should change the name of this blog to the subject line, because that's pretty much what this is...the keys to the inner me. Hell, I even took the dissection of Rob and made it into my online dating profile because I figured it was better to be real, and let people know what they are getting into ahead of time.

---

So last night was an interesting one. Besides hitting up two different bars and having a good time with different people, I watched my buddy Tino sing a set, and then got to the Fox to sing two songs, and then it got interesting.

The girl I have been writing about (whom I refer to as girl, because it really isn't fair to talk about her by name), was at the Fox and I asked if everything was okay. She had written a msg on her facebook page talking about people's true colors, and while a part of me thought she may've been talking about me, but overall, I knew I hadn't done anything or said anything since the week prior, so I wanted to see what she meant.

She told me she "guessed" she was alright, but her dude had said hurtful things to her, regarding not just herself, but others in her life, and then claimed it was a drunken stupor rant and that he didn't remember any of it.

I gave her a warning statement that I was going to say something, and I would tell her whether I liked her or not in a more than friend kinda way (because that's how ballsy I am, lol). I said, "when people are drunk, the truth comes out. To claim he doesn't remember is cowardice, and it isn't something you need."

I didn't really say much else, but when we left, I walked her to her car, and the two of us just kinda sat down and started talking...well, her listening more than talking. She looked at me and was like, "what, Rob?" so I just went ahead and told her, "You made the wrong decision." We talked for another hour an a half after that, and it was just a talk, with quips at everything she had said to me. I learned some things, like the fact that after her friend passed away, she felt I tried to push her away, which I am not sure how, when I said I think that was reversed. I told her I would give her whatever she needed at that point, whether it be a hug, a shoulder, or space. I wasn't sure what she wanted, and she chose door number 3, and last night told me that space wasn't the right choice.

I pointed out that the reason a lot of what I said sounded like it came off wrong is because the one thing we didn't do was talk on the phone or in person about it, and I think that it was misconstrued. I told her that my statement to "celebrate the person's life" is because that's what the person looking down on you would want...not all the crying and hubbub. I said, if anyone understands this, it's me, because my grandmother passed on my birthday and then I received the birthday card from her later in the week. Anyway, getting back to it...

The main point I was getting at was because she didn't tell me HOW to be there for her, I couldn't, and I can't take all the blame, but I was still wrong for not SAYING it and just typing it.

We continued talking, and she started giving me "the look." I told her to stop, and she was like, "I'm just lookin at you." and we both knew she wasn't. I diverted attention to the fact that technically, she "had a man," and that the look she was giving me was going to get someone in trouble. I made a couple jokes and got real laughter out of her, and commented on it, saying, "Yeah, that's all me. I bet it's been a long while since you laughed like that...it's because I'm a funny mother fucker."

She told me her hurt wall was back up, but she rested her head on my shoulder. We just sat there, and every time I'd ask her what she was thinking, she would clam up. So I told her to just say something, and she goes, "Trees are green." ...I corrected her, "Trees are brown, leaves are green. Duh." more laughter.

I got the look again, and I said that I had too much respect for her to try to make a move while she was "with someone else."

At about 3:45am, we said our goodbyes, she said she'd let me know when she got home...and she still hasn't. ...let me know...maybe she hasn't gotten home yet...I dunno. I'm probably going to wait a tad longer (like noon), and call her to make sure she did get home, because as the nice asshole I am, I was a tad worried.