Sorry I'm not creating new names for every time I write here. Hell, it had been a long time since I'd written anything on here, and now I'm writing much more frequently again.
I'm moving out of my place this weekend, and moving into my parents for a bit as I await approval on financing of the new place. I'm getting a little more excited because it will free me up a bit more to go out and do things, since I'll be much closer to the people I'm hanging out with on a more consistent basis.
Right now, Iam kind of glad I'm not in any kind of relationship, because this time of year seems to put strain on them. I'm not sure why, I always thought it was the change of the weather, but who knows. People just seem to go crazy, which causes real turmoil. I'm seeing a lot of people I know going through stuff that doesn't seem like a big deal to others, but for some reason, they obsess about it until its huge. Who knows...just right now, I'm glad I'm single.
After two really good weeks of poker games, I've had two really lousy ones, keeping myself in third place of our tournament standings, though I don't want to be in first place, as I'd play a bit more aggressive and lose my footing pretty quick, so I'm okay where I am, though I wouldn't mind being second place going into the finals, and it is within reach.
doing more art recently, and I ask that you check out rpotchak.deviantart.com, since I've put up some really great photo reference pieces of different tv shows and movie characters. I'm always taking suggestions, too.
Gonna cut this short, I really need to be productive before work today.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
(489) 3/10/2010
Tonight, a buddy of mine said that he was lonely, and my statement back was that he should join the club, but if he needed someone to talk to, I'd listen. I now feel that my statement was harsh.
Loneliness is what you make of it. You can either embrace your time alone, or you can be really allow the depression to set in. The unfortunate thing, though I don't believe I'm depressed, I am lonely. I wish I had someone to help with that, someone I could call and have them be there for me, and help me through my pain, like I typically am willing to help others through theirs.
I have ten days left in the house I'm in now, then a couple (hopefully) weeks with my folks, and then I start really living a different life. I hope I continue to live a decent life, and not a lie, as I now know my marriage was for a long while.
It's sad when you know that you aren't ready to give yourself to someone because of the bitterness you hold onto about past discretions. What's worse is that you always want something to fill the gap, but the life you lead, you don't ever think you'll find someone that would help you do that.
I know this blog has gotten depressing if anyone is actually reading it...sometimes I don't know how I'll walk through the rain, let alone smile in the sunshine.
Loneliness is what you make of it. You can either embrace your time alone, or you can be really allow the depression to set in. The unfortunate thing, though I don't believe I'm depressed, I am lonely. I wish I had someone to help with that, someone I could call and have them be there for me, and help me through my pain, like I typically am willing to help others through theirs.
I have ten days left in the house I'm in now, then a couple (hopefully) weeks with my folks, and then I start really living a different life. I hope I continue to live a decent life, and not a lie, as I now know my marriage was for a long while.
It's sad when you know that you aren't ready to give yourself to someone because of the bitterness you hold onto about past discretions. What's worse is that you always want something to fill the gap, but the life you lead, you don't ever think you'll find someone that would help you do that.
I know this blog has gotten depressing if anyone is actually reading it...sometimes I don't know how I'll walk through the rain, let alone smile in the sunshine.
Saturday, March 06, 2010
(488) - 3/6/2010 - Another morning like the others
Am I depressed? I don't think so, but I wouldn't be surprised. I mean, I am on here just typing instead of trying to find someone to talk to. Of course, its nine in the morning, my internal clock won't allow me to sleep past 8, and then I find myself bored with what's going on around me.
Amazing how quickly a week changes everything. Last week, I was writing about how someone and I were mutually into each other, and how I was becoming more fascinated with the idea. After that long conversation with her, I think it became awkward...kinda like the morning after a sexual encounter with someone that you really just want to be friends with, except, like always, I get this situation to happen...when there is no sex involved.
So due to that, the friendship has become a quick chat here or there and has dissipated into nothing more. I do think there is a little more avoidance going on from her side of the coin, due to the awkwardness of the situation. Oh well, that's the way my life rolls, and no matter what, it will not get to roll all the way back down the hill this time. Not only will I not allow it, I'll continue to make my personal strides, with some blatant hiccups I'm sure, but the hole I was in last year and have just now begun climbing out of, I will continue to do that, make myself stronger, and not care what the opinions of just anyone are.
I really like what I'm doing with my art, but I can't help but feel like a fraud. A lot of artists make their livings lightboxing and mashing up the art. Tony Harris has made a career out of photographing people and then using those photos to make issues of comics. I can't imagine how painstaking it is, but it must mean that he puts in more time and effort than most other artists, since there are extra steps involved.
Every lightbox drawing I do is actually a lot of work. I have to find the right photo, then I have to mess with the contrast and brightness on it until it looks like something that can be done on the box, and then I have to make it happen.
I've had a few recently that looked so bad due to how thick the pen line was that I had to toss them. While this has not been the norm, when it happens, I've been terribly disappointed in the final product, so much so that I do something I never usd to do...throw out the final product, rather than allow it to be picked apart or critiqued.
You know, I started this by asking if I was depressed, and I think I know what the truth here is... I lost something a long time ago. Someone who understood and accepted me, flaws and quirks and all. I allowed myself to be TOO involved, and now do not trust enough to do it again... for now. I am lonely, in mind and in heart, and who knows when I'll get that back.
Amazing how quickly a week changes everything. Last week, I was writing about how someone and I were mutually into each other, and how I was becoming more fascinated with the idea. After that long conversation with her, I think it became awkward...kinda like the morning after a sexual encounter with someone that you really just want to be friends with, except, like always, I get this situation to happen...when there is no sex involved.
So due to that, the friendship has become a quick chat here or there and has dissipated into nothing more. I do think there is a little more avoidance going on from her side of the coin, due to the awkwardness of the situation. Oh well, that's the way my life rolls, and no matter what, it will not get to roll all the way back down the hill this time. Not only will I not allow it, I'll continue to make my personal strides, with some blatant hiccups I'm sure, but the hole I was in last year and have just now begun climbing out of, I will continue to do that, make myself stronger, and not care what the opinions of just anyone are.
I really like what I'm doing with my art, but I can't help but feel like a fraud. A lot of artists make their livings lightboxing and mashing up the art. Tony Harris has made a career out of photographing people and then using those photos to make issues of comics. I can't imagine how painstaking it is, but it must mean that he puts in more time and effort than most other artists, since there are extra steps involved.
Every lightbox drawing I do is actually a lot of work. I have to find the right photo, then I have to mess with the contrast and brightness on it until it looks like something that can be done on the box, and then I have to make it happen.
I've had a few recently that looked so bad due to how thick the pen line was that I had to toss them. While this has not been the norm, when it happens, I've been terribly disappointed in the final product, so much so that I do something I never usd to do...throw out the final product, rather than allow it to be picked apart or critiqued.
You know, I started this by asking if I was depressed, and I think I know what the truth here is... I lost something a long time ago. Someone who understood and accepted me, flaws and quirks and all. I allowed myself to be TOO involved, and now do not trust enough to do it again... for now. I am lonely, in mind and in heart, and who knows when I'll get that back.
Thursday, March 04, 2010
(486) 3-3-2010
So today, I signed paperwork to purchase a new place to live. Approximately 2.4 miles from work, this will allow me to not have to worry about getting help to and from work so much, as worst case scenario, I'll be able to walk. I'm happy with the place that I picked out, and am hoping that everything goes according to plan, since I have to have my divorce finalized, and after that, I can go out, get the new mortgage loan, and move on with everything. I've also got to come up with $2500 for the downpayment, and then probably cut back on a lot of my other extracuricular activities if I am not going to want to involve a roommate.
Anyway, I'm pretty down, and as I stated earlier, I really don't have that person that I can 100% open myself up to, and recent attempts to qualify a person into that position have fallen on incapable. I haven't tried that hard, but then, I probably like coming across as more of a bad ass than as someone willing to shed tears. It really hasn't been a great time in my life, but I'm working through it, and moving forward. I've made strides, and really have begun enjoying the ride of life again, after a long year of not appreciating anything but family. I have a long ways before I feel like I'm right for myself, or anyone else, but I'm much closer to feeling that way than I've been for a really long time.
I'm actually growing tired of always putting on the happy or professional face, and now, at this point, I just want to let the chips fall where they may. It isn't the smartest play, but its the play I feel like I want to make.
I've been drawing a lot recently, and actually have intentions of putting together an artbook/sketchbook. I haven't done this before, and typically would be against the idea, but a lot of the art I've done recently, I think SHOULD be out there for others. If I get Microsoft Publisher or anything up and running on this, I shold even be able to piece the book together.
I'm not sure what exactly is going on in my head that's causing me to not be as happy as I have been in recent history, and I'm hoping it won't take long to start feeling like me, again...at least, here is really hoping on it.
Life was so much easier when I was twelve.
Anyway, I'm pretty down, and as I stated earlier, I really don't have that person that I can 100% open myself up to, and recent attempts to qualify a person into that position have fallen on incapable. I haven't tried that hard, but then, I probably like coming across as more of a bad ass than as someone willing to shed tears. It really hasn't been a great time in my life, but I'm working through it, and moving forward. I've made strides, and really have begun enjoying the ride of life again, after a long year of not appreciating anything but family. I have a long ways before I feel like I'm right for myself, or anyone else, but I'm much closer to feeling that way than I've been for a really long time.
I'm actually growing tired of always putting on the happy or professional face, and now, at this point, I just want to let the chips fall where they may. It isn't the smartest play, but its the play I feel like I want to make.
I've been drawing a lot recently, and actually have intentions of putting together an artbook/sketchbook. I haven't done this before, and typically would be against the idea, but a lot of the art I've done recently, I think SHOULD be out there for others. If I get Microsoft Publisher or anything up and running on this, I shold even be able to piece the book together.
I'm not sure what exactly is going on in my head that's causing me to not be as happy as I have been in recent history, and I'm hoping it won't take long to start feeling like me, again...at least, here is really hoping on it.
Life was so much easier when I was twelve.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
3/3/2010 - Weird dreams and stuff.
I had this really awkward dream, where I woke up wondering what the hell it was all about. It was like I was in highschool again, but at my current memory levels...like 90210 weird.
Anyway, I've really been cranking out some good artwork recently. I'm up to 9 pieces, and I figure as soon as I'm at 24 that I like, I'll probably put together a sketchbook and try selling it at a local convention.
My fan page on Facebook is now up to 90 fans, which for only sending it to my friends is kinda cool, especially when I look through the fans and see people like Diamond Distribution's Steve Geppi as one of them.
I've got about 2.5 weeks to get my stuff moved and get out of my current house. Good news is I've already found a new place to want to move into, and will probably be securing the loan and for it really soon. Only real downside to it is I'll have to live somewhere else until it all goes through, and I'll have to find somewhere to put my one dog until I do. Mom is afraid to take my big dog, and there is typically a lot of yelling at that house, but its to get to the next stage in my life, so its only a hiccup.
I gotta make this a quick blog, so if anybody wants to see the current art, checkout (rpotchak.deviantart.com) where I've got all my latest pieces put up.
Anyway, I've really been cranking out some good artwork recently. I'm up to 9 pieces, and I figure as soon as I'm at 24 that I like, I'll probably put together a sketchbook and try selling it at a local convention.
My fan page on Facebook is now up to 90 fans, which for only sending it to my friends is kinda cool, especially when I look through the fans and see people like Diamond Distribution's Steve Geppi as one of them.
I've got about 2.5 weeks to get my stuff moved and get out of my current house. Good news is I've already found a new place to want to move into, and will probably be securing the loan and for it really soon. Only real downside to it is I'll have to live somewhere else until it all goes through, and I'll have to find somewhere to put my one dog until I do. Mom is afraid to take my big dog, and there is typically a lot of yelling at that house, but its to get to the next stage in my life, so its only a hiccup.
I gotta make this a quick blog, so if anybody wants to see the current art, checkout (rpotchak.deviantart.com) where I've got all my latest pieces put up.
Monday, March 01, 2010
3-1-2010 (485)
I changed up the look of the blog a little. I haven't figured out how to change the graphics to make it really my own, so it still looks pretty plain, but then again, this is a private blog now. I haven't written anything on this that really shows the status update of my comics work, because I haven't done any.
I've started many projects over the past five years...THIEF, TAGGER, REHAB, and a couple others, and none have been completed. I wonder if this is how Leonardo DaVinci felt, as he'd get so caught up with "the next BIG idea," only to have it die out in his mind.
I feel that my creativity only goes so far, and while I can brainstorm the fuck out of things, I don't seem to get much further than that anymore.
My mind seems to be racing with about three weeks left before I HAVE to move, and I haven't figured out where I'm moving, though I think I do. I want so many things to go my way, and all of last year, they did not.
Last year I wish I could redo. I lost a lot of myself in that last year, and now feel like I'm coasting on the tidal wave, but not underneath and overwhelmed, but finally surfing somewhere under the cusp, but not anywhere in danger. I feel a sense of hope coming back into the light, though even that, I feel is somewhat misguided.
I wrote about knowing about chemistry with another person, yet, while I know it's there, I know that person is juggling inner turmoil of past relationships, much like myself, but where mine is over and I want it to be done with, theirs is seemingly still having a possibility of coming back. As the friend, I asked, "so what's up with you two?" and the response was "I dunno..." I stated that 'I dunno' by itself would have been an up in the air, while adding an elipses to it made it seem at even more of a discord.
My biggest problem going on now in my life is I hae no one that I can fully open up to. I think I need a good cry, but none of my friends are the type that you can do that with. There is no break down in front of person, but I think I need a good heartfelt one...after that, I think I'd feel cleansed, and ready to take back the world.
On a professional front, I believe I'm going to print a sketch book in my latest artstyle, which is all line work from photo reference. A buddy of mine, who seems to be promoting local comic shows now actually told me I should set up a booth and try to sell them there. I'll have to figure out pricing and everything, but even I could piece together a sketchbook, right?
To anyone that actually finds and reads this, thanks. I don't know if this will continue to be a public blog, or even if it remains that way, whether ALL posts will be that way.
I've started many projects over the past five years...THIEF, TAGGER, REHAB, and a couple others, and none have been completed. I wonder if this is how Leonardo DaVinci felt, as he'd get so caught up with "the next BIG idea," only to have it die out in his mind.
I feel that my creativity only goes so far, and while I can brainstorm the fuck out of things, I don't seem to get much further than that anymore.
My mind seems to be racing with about three weeks left before I HAVE to move, and I haven't figured out where I'm moving, though I think I do. I want so many things to go my way, and all of last year, they did not.
Last year I wish I could redo. I lost a lot of myself in that last year, and now feel like I'm coasting on the tidal wave, but not underneath and overwhelmed, but finally surfing somewhere under the cusp, but not anywhere in danger. I feel a sense of hope coming back into the light, though even that, I feel is somewhat misguided.
I wrote about knowing about chemistry with another person, yet, while I know it's there, I know that person is juggling inner turmoil of past relationships, much like myself, but where mine is over and I want it to be done with, theirs is seemingly still having a possibility of coming back. As the friend, I asked, "so what's up with you two?" and the response was "I dunno..." I stated that 'I dunno' by itself would have been an up in the air, while adding an elipses to it made it seem at even more of a discord.
My biggest problem going on now in my life is I hae no one that I can fully open up to. I think I need a good cry, but none of my friends are the type that you can do that with. There is no break down in front of person, but I think I need a good heartfelt one...after that, I think I'd feel cleansed, and ready to take back the world.
On a professional front, I believe I'm going to print a sketch book in my latest artstyle, which is all line work from photo reference. A buddy of mine, who seems to be promoting local comic shows now actually told me I should set up a booth and try to sell them there. I'll have to figure out pricing and everything, but even I could piece together a sketchbook, right?
To anyone that actually finds and reads this, thanks. I don't know if this will continue to be a public blog, or even if it remains that way, whether ALL posts will be that way.
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