12-16-10 - Something New...

So I'm getting that bug up my ass again to do something creative, however, right now, the day job is sapping my creativity...talked to the old publisher, shot some ideas around about either graphic novel ideas or new webcomics...

I think Im going to do a webcomic, as I've stated a lot, but this time I already have a name and the idea behind it, and I am trying to figure out an easy way to replicate the artwork from episode to episode, so that the style remains consistent, but the story continues to flow.

The graphic novel ideas were and old reboot and another one that seemed interesting and played up with my interests in the old west...

If you haven't checked out my recent artwork on deviant art, please do, rpotchak.deviantart.com, and I have a facebook fan page for the artwork, since I haven't really written anything new in almost two years.

Again, getting itchy about it, so I think I'm going to have to test the old keyboard and see what I can come up with...

I don't know where to begin here...today, I'm feeling down. This blog was originally created to give people insight on the good that was occurring from my work, both professional and amateur. Recently, I know that it has becoming a very sporatic explaining of my downed feelings, and its looking like that isn't going to end anytime soon, because just when I feel like things are starting to look better for me, things happen that lead me to wonder if they really are, if I'm being played and if this life is really what I want it to be.

I was married, I had a career, yada yada...that was over two years ago, and now...now I'm a single guy that doesn't remember how to be someone that another wants. I don't know how to be anything except successful at work.

I'm upset with something. I just am unsure of what it really is.

The day I found something that I wanted to persue, the day I felt like I started getting played. Given the opportunity, I know and am confident I can turn the game in my favor, but right now I feel as though I'm being strung along just enough to grab some control and then leave me hanging, and I'm better than that.

I don't know where I'm going with this struggle, but I feel as though I'm dealing with a juvenile highschool game when my personality, my drive, my determination etc...

I don't even know where I'm going with this, other than...why am I such a sucker?

497 - 7-27-10

Alone, restless...

In a moment of despair, I do something I haven't done in a while. Nothing illegal, but something just as intrusive. I give up. I realize that part of my life is over. The feeling of invasion, now, ceases and I go back to my business.

I am just as sad as I have been for months, maybe years. Alone in a world that is full of people with someone. Getting older by the year, the month, the week, the day and the hour, I fall back into a pit that I thought I had crawled myself out of.

I still talk of it as if it were yesterday, and truth is, its less than three months from two years. What is the draw, why is it so hard? What's out there for ME?

I try to pull myself together and realize that I can't. I realize that I'm in this pit for an undefined time to come. As much as I think I can find happiness in myself and in someone else, I find myself still in this moment. The stand still that is moving at full speed. The hour that is truly weeks months and years.

Why do I trample the I have now, hoping for a glimpse of the past? Where did my happiness go? Where will I finally track it down?

496 - 6/29/2010 - Life as we know it...

It's 11am on a Tuesday, and I sit here contemplating where to go with things. You see, as open as I am, as awesome as I am to hang out with and converse with, I seem to have one mental block that prevents me from doing something...I can't ever seem to talk to a girl I like and let them know I like them.

I'm not afraid of much, but I am definitely against rejection. I wish I just had the same confidence I do in my professional life in my personal one. I think I'm a great person to be around, but I feel something prevents me from being able to say some of the things I want, because I'm afraid of the general: "I have a boyfriend," or "well, I dunno" or my favorite, "I'm just not into you..." I should be able to look at them and say, "that's too bad, because my type is better..." and just be the confident Rob I am in everything else I do.

I want to change that. I want them to be interested and me give them more reason. My tastes are peculiar, but genuine. I want someone that wants me back for me, not because they "should." I like the idea of a challenge, but it got me nowhere except 8 years older the last time.

My mind is strong, my heart tries, and my soul is yearning...how do I get them all to sync up and get me where I need to go?

I even drew a pic of the person I'm interested in right now...I'm posting it here just because I think I'm the only person reading this anymore, and it makes me feel a little better just getting it out there.

Rob

495 - 6-17-2010

I have no idea what I was writing about last night. I'm disappointed in my life right now because of the mistakes I've made that don't seem to be helping me move on, and in fact are helping me regress into a depressed state.

While I'm not in danger here, it does suck that I'm on probation which is basically like being told you are the scum of the earth, and my probation officer makes me feel that way. I had one in Durham that was okay, she seemed to understand that I was a first time troublemaker and that I wasn't the scum that she sees on a regular basis, but when my case got transferred back to Wake County, it seemed to go all differently, and now I feel like I have no control over something which isn't good for someone like me.

I expect some sort of respect for being a business professional that fucked up in his personal life, but I'm being treated like someone who was a drug traffiker.

Just ranting.

494 - 5/4/2010

Tonight I get home after realizing that once again, I'm still not over the one that I should be. How do I know? When I begin talking about wanting to be with someone, she comes up. That's enough to go on. I wish it wasn't, but it is. Every time my mom and I talk about me getting over the personal issues, she comes up and I sound like someone that can't get over the hump.

Truth is, I need something new to get my mind looking elsewhere. Honestly? After we were seperated for 18 months and she saw me, we got back together. That was then...the same would never happen again. She'll do the same damage to her next relationship as she did to ours, but the problem ther remains...how do I prevent the same problems that occurred with US...AND how do I get to the point where I want there to be an us with another person...?

I'm really broken up, to the point that I haven't really pursued, but I also don't think I've found ANY worth pursuing...am I wrong?

493 - 4/23/2010

I'm bored, tired, and sick. Probably a sinus infection that requires antibiotics, but I refuse to go to the doctor and try to get over it myself, since I don't want to go to the doctor, where I risk getting even more sick.

I've felt de-motivated recently. I used to write all the time. Here, comics, stories, whatever, and until recently, I felt I was pretty good at it. Now, its been almost a year since I wrote anything of substance, and I'm pretty upset at myself for that.

I haven't had any motivation, and I haven't had anyone that I want to read a masterpiece from me, I guess. I just don't feel like I have anything good cooking currently.

Oh well, maybe I ought to look at what I've written in the past, read it and see if it makes me want to make it better. I haven't even wanted to draw for the past couple days, which is awkward, but mainly because while I do really cool lightbox work, if I were to do freehand drawing recently, I feel like a no talent assclown.

I dunno. I'm pretty down on myself, and its probably just because I'm sick, but that's not really any excuse. I keep myself motivated at the job, so hopefully with my hobbies I can begin to do the same?

4/16/2010 - still low...

so it amazes me that everyone looks at me believing my life to be the epitome of excellence. I'm bored with a lot of things, but what worries me most is my unhappiness with the ME here.

I like what I do for a living, I like who I am around people that care about me, but overall...I'm unhappy. This family trip to Disney World made me realize it more than I had in two + years.

My ex, Christy and I split up in November, 2008, after she left my in October claiming I had created most of her problems in life. Well, now she's gotten her divorce, had her parents pay for everything and she's in the clear, living the same life she did 8 years ago, before I stepped into the picture, and what will undoubtedly end in her marrying another guy, only to have it end when she gets bored with him, too...to which her parents will probably blame themselves and the other guy for and not her...

Anyway, I'm upset...same as I was the other night, and while I know I could always have been better during our marriage, I realized that during my trip to Orlando, that I've always been the one that the blame gets placed on no matter what the situation...case in point...

My nephew Drew wet the bed this morning....I got blamed because they told me the temperature was too low...now one, I didn't play with the thermostat...two, my genes did not make this child and three, he was under ALL THE COVERS...if anything made the boy PEE it was the fact that the temperature was TOO WARM...he didn't have a way to cool off, so his body corrected this abstruction for the third night in a row.

I don't know what the real reason is, and I also do not care. I'm upset about this because I did NOTHING and yet got blamed.

My family has ALWAYS done this and I'm tired of it...people wonder why I don't spend a lot of time with my family if given the option and this is why...I'm apparently the black sheep that is the catalyst to everyone's problems, when ultimately...no one wants to help me with my own.

I really wish I had someone I could talk to about these things, because I'm tired of the face I put on and the truth that is never seen...but right now? They'd never believe the pain I'm really in, and they'd probably blame me for it anyway...

4-14-2010

I'm on a family vacation in Disney World and I'm depressed. I've been upset with life for a while, but no one seems to understand, offering their, "Well, you are better off" explanation...truth is, I am. BUT, that doesn't stop the fact that on a daily basis I see things going on, and realize that not being married anymore really puts a damper on those things.

I won't go into detail and I won't try to help others understand, but let me put it this way. I still love my ex-wife...but not her, just the wife part, the objectification of her...she could be anyone. I miss the person that was supposed to be there for me, for all reasons and purposes.

I recently realized that after she attempted to friend request me on facebook, it wasn't because she wanted to rub her new boyfriend in my face (though she would be), it was because she wanted to keep the friendship that we had...at the same time, she doesn't realize she destroyed that, along with my heart and for a while, my mind, along with it...I won't ever be friends with her again, and part of that pains me, but its because she destroyed everything I was to get what she wanted, and when I needed her at all, she bolted for the door...not the type of person you want for a friend.

She was supposed to think about what she wanted when she got home from her time in an institution, which at this point, she probably looks at as fiction...and she was supposed to look at how to fix US...she didn't, and fixated on wanting something else, and blamed me for everything.

I'm unhappy with this, because now, she thinks we are friends, and she's sorely mistaken. I am not friends with people who outright lie and manipulate me...and I'd never give the time of day to someone who cheats on it...

It is upsetting I think about this when I should be enjoying myself, but I am because I haven't found that lightning rod that grounds me...and until then, I remain upset...

(490) - 3/15/2010

Sorry I'm not creating new names for every time I write here. Hell, it had been a long time since I'd written anything on here, and now I'm writing much more frequently again.

I'm moving out of my place this weekend, and moving into my parents for a bit as I await approval on financing of the new place. I'm getting a little more excited because it will free me up a bit more to go out and do things, since I'll be much closer to the people I'm hanging out with on a more consistent basis.

Right now, Iam kind of glad I'm not in any kind of relationship, because this time of year seems to put strain on them. I'm not sure why, I always thought it was the change of the weather, but who knows. People just seem to go crazy, which causes real turmoil. I'm seeing a lot of people I know going through stuff that doesn't seem like a big deal to others, but for some reason, they obsess about it until its huge. Who knows...just right now, I'm glad I'm single.

After two really good weeks of poker games, I've had two really lousy ones, keeping myself in third place of our tournament standings, though I don't want to be in first place, as I'd play a bit more aggressive and lose my footing pretty quick, so I'm okay where I am, though I wouldn't mind being second place going into the finals, and it is within reach.

doing more art recently, and I ask that you check out rpotchak.deviantart.com, since I've put up some really great photo reference pieces of different tv shows and movie characters. I'm always taking suggestions, too.

Gonna cut this short, I really need to be productive before work today.

(489) 3/10/2010

Tonight, a buddy of mine said that he was lonely, and my statement back was that he should join the club, but if he needed someone to talk to, I'd listen. I now feel that my statement was harsh.

Loneliness is what you make of it. You can either embrace your time alone, or you can be really allow the depression to set in. The unfortunate thing, though I don't believe I'm depressed, I am lonely. I wish I had someone to help with that, someone I could call and have them be there for me, and help me through my pain, like I typically am willing to help others through theirs.

I have ten days left in the house I'm in now, then a couple (hopefully) weeks with my folks, and then I start really living a different life. I hope I continue to live a decent life, and not a lie, as I now know my marriage was for a long while.

It's sad when you know that you aren't ready to give yourself to someone because of the bitterness you hold onto about past discretions. What's worse is that you always want something to fill the gap, but the life you lead, you don't ever think you'll find someone that would help you do that.

I know this blog has gotten depressing if anyone is actually reading it...sometimes I don't know how I'll walk through the rain, let alone smile in the sunshine.

(488) - 3/6/2010 - Another morning like the others

Am I depressed? I don't think so, but I wouldn't be surprised. I mean, I am on here just typing instead of trying to find someone to talk to. Of course, its nine in the morning, my internal clock won't allow me to sleep past 8, and then I find myself bored with what's going on around me.

Amazing how quickly a week changes everything. Last week, I was writing about how someone and I were mutually into each other, and how I was becoming more fascinated with the idea. After that long conversation with her, I think it became awkward...kinda like the morning after a sexual encounter with someone that you really just want to be friends with, except, like always, I get this situation to happen...when there is no sex involved.

So due to that, the friendship has become a quick chat here or there and has dissipated into nothing more. I do think there is a little more avoidance going on from her side of the coin, due to the awkwardness of the situation. Oh well, that's the way my life rolls, and no matter what, it will not get to roll all the way back down the hill this time. Not only will I not allow it, I'll continue to make my personal strides, with some blatant hiccups I'm sure, but the hole I was in last year and have just now begun climbing out of, I will continue to do that, make myself stronger, and not care what the opinions of just anyone are.

I really like what I'm doing with my art, but I can't help but feel like a fraud. A lot of artists make their livings lightboxing and mashing up the art. Tony Harris has made a career out of photographing people and then using those photos to make issues of comics. I can't imagine how painstaking it is, but it must mean that he puts in more time and effort than most other artists, since there are extra steps involved.

Every lightbox drawing I do is actually a lot of work. I have to find the right photo, then I have to mess with the contrast and brightness on it until it looks like something that can be done on the box, and then I have to make it happen.

I've had a few recently that looked so bad due to how thick the pen line was that I had to toss them. While this has not been the norm, when it happens, I've been terribly disappointed in the final product, so much so that I do something I never usd to do...throw out the final product, rather than allow it to be picked apart or critiqued.

You know, I started this by asking if I was depressed, and I think I know what the truth here is... I lost something a long time ago. Someone who understood and accepted me, flaws and quirks and all. I allowed myself to be TOO involved, and now do not trust enough to do it again... for now. I am lonely, in mind and in heart, and who knows when I'll get that back.

(486) 3-3-2010

So today, I signed paperwork to purchase a new place to live. Approximately 2.4 miles from work, this will allow me to not have to worry about getting help to and from work so much, as worst case scenario, I'll be able to walk. I'm happy with the place that I picked out, and am hoping that everything goes according to plan, since I have to have my divorce finalized, and after that, I can go out, get the new mortgage loan, and move on with everything. I've also got to come up with $2500 for the downpayment, and then probably cut back on a lot of my other extracuricular activities if I am not going to want to involve a roommate.

Anyway, I'm pretty down, and as I stated earlier, I really don't have that person that I can 100% open myself up to, and recent attempts to qualify a person into that position have fallen on incapable. I haven't tried that hard, but then, I probably like coming across as more of a bad ass than as someone willing to shed tears. It really hasn't been a great time in my life, but I'm working through it, and moving forward. I've made strides, and really have begun enjoying the ride of life again, after a long year of not appreciating anything but family. I have a long ways before I feel like I'm right for myself, or anyone else, but I'm much closer to feeling that way than I've been for a really long time.

I'm actually growing tired of always putting on the happy or professional face, and now, at this point, I just want to let the chips fall where they may. It isn't the smartest play, but its the play I feel like I want to make.

I've been drawing a lot recently, and actually have intentions of putting together an artbook/sketchbook. I haven't done this before, and typically would be against the idea, but a lot of the art I've done recently, I think SHOULD be out there for others. If I get Microsoft Publisher or anything up and running on this, I shold even be able to piece the book together.

I'm not sure what exactly is going on in my head that's causing me to not be as happy as I have been in recent history, and I'm hoping it won't take long to start feeling like me, again...at least, here is really hoping on it.

Life was so much easier when I was twelve.

3/3/2010 - Weird dreams and stuff.

I had this really awkward dream, where I woke up wondering what the hell it was all about. It was like I was in highschool again, but at my current memory levels...like 90210 weird.

Anyway, I've really been cranking out some good artwork recently. I'm up to 9 pieces, and I figure as soon as I'm at 24 that I like, I'll probably put together a sketchbook and try selling it at a local convention.

My fan page on Facebook is now up to 90 fans, which for only sending it to my friends is kinda cool, especially when I look through the fans and see people like Diamond Distribution's Steve Geppi as one of them.

I've got about 2.5 weeks to get my stuff moved and get out of my current house. Good news is I've already found a new place to want to move into, and will probably be securing the loan and for it really soon. Only real downside to it is I'll have to live somewhere else until it all goes through, and I'll have to find somewhere to put my one dog until I do. Mom is afraid to take my big dog, and there is typically a lot of yelling at that house, but its to get to the next stage in my life, so its only a hiccup.

I gotta make this a quick blog, so if anybody wants to see the current art, checkout (rpotchak.deviantart.com) where I've got all my latest pieces put up.

3-1-2010 (485)

I changed up the look of the blog a little. I haven't figured out how to change the graphics to make it really my own, so it still looks pretty plain, but then again, this is a private blog now. I haven't written anything on this that really shows the status update of my comics work, because I haven't done any.

I've started many projects over the past five years...THIEF, TAGGER, REHAB, and a couple others, and none have been completed. I wonder if this is how Leonardo DaVinci felt, as he'd get so caught up with "the next BIG idea," only to have it die out in his mind.

I feel that my creativity only goes so far, and while I can brainstorm the fuck out of things, I don't seem to get much further than that anymore.

My mind seems to be racing with about three weeks left before I HAVE to move, and I haven't figured out where I'm moving, though I think I do. I want so many things to go my way, and all of last year, they did not.

Last year I wish I could redo. I lost a lot of myself in that last year, and now feel like I'm coasting on the tidal wave, but not underneath and overwhelmed, but finally surfing somewhere under the cusp, but not anywhere in danger. I feel a sense of hope coming back into the light, though even that, I feel is somewhat misguided.

I wrote about knowing about chemistry with another person, yet, while I know it's there, I know that person is juggling inner turmoil of past relationships, much like myself, but where mine is over and I want it to be done with, theirs is seemingly still having a possibility of coming back. As the friend, I asked, "so what's up with you two?" and the response was "I dunno..." I stated that 'I dunno' by itself would have been an up in the air, while adding an elipses to it made it seem at even more of a discord.

My biggest problem going on now in my life is I hae no one that I can fully open up to. I think I need a good cry, but none of my friends are the type that you can do that with. There is no break down in front of person, but I think I need a good heartfelt one...after that, I think I'd feel cleansed, and ready to take back the world.

On a professional front, I believe I'm going to print a sketch book in my latest artstyle, which is all line work from photo reference. A buddy of mine, who seems to be promoting local comic shows now actually told me I should set up a booth and try to sell them there. I'll have to figure out pricing and everything, but even I could piece together a sketchbook, right?

To anyone that actually finds and reads this, thanks. I don't know if this will continue to be a public blog, or even if it remains that way, whether ALL posts will be that way.

2-28-10: caught in a loop... (484)

So as the message states, I find myself caught in a loop.

You ever felt like you are wanting something, even if you shouldn't want it? Ever felt as though someone telling you that everything is bad for you is because you untimely think you are good for them?

Two days ago, I knew there was chemistry between me and another person. Is she involved with someone...yes, no, maybe. Facebook might lead one to believe "its complicated."

You get told that the type of profession they are is bad for you. You get told seven other things you would like are bad for you. And then it happens.

you knew there was some sort of chemistry. You joke about it, you flirt about it, and then the awkwardness of it sets in...you both know its there, and you try to ignore it like the 400 lb pink elephant that seems to show up with alcohol. It's there. Neither have denied it, but one has said that "knowing it would end badly, I'd like to keep it where it is..."

I've been through this before, and it did end badly. Twice, in fact, with the same person. In fact, the pieces still haven't ALL been picked up again. I'm still collecting myself, and do not want to be broken into more.

I'm finding myself more interested, and trying to play it into my hand, one way or another, and not be in the position to be taken advantage of...however, after countless LONG discussions until any hour of the night, I find myself starting to long for it.

I'm writing it here because this is my last safehaven. A place where I do not anticipate anyone reading me, and if they do, congrats. I haven't been able to open up in a long while, and while I do say what I feel...I haven't felt like I could just open up and let out raw emotion like I once did.

I used to be a flame of emotion that could not be put out, and then...I was extinguished by lies, deceit, and a ruined image of the perfect life. I opened my eyes to see that only in work can ONE person be the reason things go the way you want...whenever it comes to two sides...it really takes a concerted effort.

I don't know why I'm fawning over it...or becoming emotional about this person, but she's got me in a minor tizzy...but a major tizzy doesn't feel like its far off.

While some of its been discussed between both parties, in many ways it hasn't. I can not speak for the other person, because I don't know what's in their head. I can try to get in there, and it is fun to try, but this person when it comes to psychobabble, should have been crying like a little boy, but I haven't felt less than equal.

I've been labeled too nice. I am a nice guy, no doubt. But I command respect from a group, and don't typically allow myself to be frowned upon. I lead the charge, but I got told I'd get walked all over. I explained this to her as selfishness and sabotage.

It sucks when you see this much in common with another soul...and you aren't sure its the right thing to persue it, but for some reason...your mind starts going for it...and your heart can't stop, and must follow...