2-28-10: caught in a loop... (484)

So as the message states, I find myself caught in a loop.

You ever felt like you are wanting something, even if you shouldn't want it? Ever felt as though someone telling you that everything is bad for you is because you untimely think you are good for them?

Two days ago, I knew there was chemistry between me and another person. Is she involved with someone...yes, no, maybe. Facebook might lead one to believe "its complicated."

You get told that the type of profession they are is bad for you. You get told seven other things you would like are bad for you. And then it happens.

you knew there was some sort of chemistry. You joke about it, you flirt about it, and then the awkwardness of it sets in...you both know its there, and you try to ignore it like the 400 lb pink elephant that seems to show up with alcohol. It's there. Neither have denied it, but one has said that "knowing it would end badly, I'd like to keep it where it is..."

I've been through this before, and it did end badly. Twice, in fact, with the same person. In fact, the pieces still haven't ALL been picked up again. I'm still collecting myself, and do not want to be broken into more.

I'm finding myself more interested, and trying to play it into my hand, one way or another, and not be in the position to be taken advantage of...however, after countless LONG discussions until any hour of the night, I find myself starting to long for it.

I'm writing it here because this is my last safehaven. A place where I do not anticipate anyone reading me, and if they do, congrats. I haven't been able to open up in a long while, and while I do say what I feel...I haven't felt like I could just open up and let out raw emotion like I once did.

I used to be a flame of emotion that could not be put out, and then...I was extinguished by lies, deceit, and a ruined image of the perfect life. I opened my eyes to see that only in work can ONE person be the reason things go the way you want...whenever it comes to two sides...it really takes a concerted effort.

I don't know why I'm fawning over it...or becoming emotional about this person, but she's got me in a minor tizzy...but a major tizzy doesn't feel like its far off.

While some of its been discussed between both parties, in many ways it hasn't. I can not speak for the other person, because I don't know what's in their head. I can try to get in there, and it is fun to try, but this person when it comes to psychobabble, should have been crying like a little boy, but I haven't felt less than equal.

I've been labeled too nice. I am a nice guy, no doubt. But I command respect from a group, and don't typically allow myself to be frowned upon. I lead the charge, but I got told I'd get walked all over. I explained this to her as selfishness and sabotage.

It sucks when you see this much in common with another soul...and you aren't sure its the right thing to persue it, but for some reason...your mind starts going for it...and your heart can't stop, and must follow...