4/16/2010 - still low...

so it amazes me that everyone looks at me believing my life to be the epitome of excellence. I'm bored with a lot of things, but what worries me most is my unhappiness with the ME here.

I like what I do for a living, I like who I am around people that care about me, but overall...I'm unhappy. This family trip to Disney World made me realize it more than I had in two + years.

My ex, Christy and I split up in November, 2008, after she left my in October claiming I had created most of her problems in life. Well, now she's gotten her divorce, had her parents pay for everything and she's in the clear, living the same life she did 8 years ago, before I stepped into the picture, and what will undoubtedly end in her marrying another guy, only to have it end when she gets bored with him, too...to which her parents will probably blame themselves and the other guy for and not her...

Anyway, I'm upset...same as I was the other night, and while I know I could always have been better during our marriage, I realized that during my trip to Orlando, that I've always been the one that the blame gets placed on no matter what the situation...case in point...

My nephew Drew wet the bed this morning....I got blamed because they told me the temperature was too low...now one, I didn't play with the thermostat...two, my genes did not make this child and three, he was under ALL THE COVERS...if anything made the boy PEE it was the fact that the temperature was TOO WARM...he didn't have a way to cool off, so his body corrected this abstruction for the third night in a row.

I don't know what the real reason is, and I also do not care. I'm upset about this because I did NOTHING and yet got blamed.

My family has ALWAYS done this and I'm tired of it...people wonder why I don't spend a lot of time with my family if given the option and this is why...I'm apparently the black sheep that is the catalyst to everyone's problems, when ultimately...no one wants to help me with my own.

I really wish I had someone I could talk to about these things, because I'm tired of the face I put on and the truth that is never seen...but right now? They'd never believe the pain I'm really in, and they'd probably blame me for it anyway...