HELLO still isn't working, so I still don't have any art to post...sorry...now going to talk about my personal life again.
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Christy and I (that's my wife, folks) had one of those conversations that you dread, and then whens its over, you may feel a little better about it, but overall, you still dread it because you aren't sure how are you going to...or how you want to react.
I asked her if she felt we connect anymore. And I got the hard answer. Christy hasn't been good at sugarcoating recently, since I asked her if she found me physically attractive and got a diatribe about all the reasons why she wouldn't when all I was doing was fishing for a compliment. She apologized, but today I got the answer that hurts. She said, "I want to..." Not "yes," but not "No." But it seemed apparent, that everything she was saying was trying to "not hurt my feelings." Much like I do everytime I tell her nothings wrong, or explain how I feel without explaining all of it...but today was different, I was going to be heard, I was going to explain myself, because I am tired of arguing over drinking, drinking and driving, her friends, where she wants to hang out and why I'm angry with her all the time....Yes, this means she's not always the bad guy, and I truly love her.
I am an excellent judge of character. Its a gift and a curse. Its a gift because it allows me to learn about truly good people...its a curse because I learn all too often who's not worth my time, and my wife doesn't learn that lesson nearly as soon as I do. But anyway.
I brought one huge point to the forefront of us today that I've been denying myself and knowing that it was what I wanted, but was trying to accept that I was never going to get it...and no, I'm not talking about butt sex, hehe...
I told her our biggest "disconnect" was this..."Christy, you are THE MOST IMPORTANT THING in the world to me. When I accept you doing something, its because I want you to be happy. When I disagree with something you do, its because I want to do whats best for you...We fight because I tell you I want to be respected, and I want my opinion to matter. I want...to be number one in your life. I don't want to be number 2, 3, or further down the line. I put you first, regardless of anything...and I'm not put first to you."
A relationship only truly works forever if you want to make that other person happy. Do you have to be happy with yourself? Sure, but you still want to appease them, and make them realize how important they are, and how much you love them... otherwise, all you'll have left is yourself. Sacrifice, compromise and understanding. Yet, for some reason its human nature to be selfish and not care about another person's feelings, needs or wants.
"Christy, I didn't tell you to change anything about our wedding because it was all done the way you wanted, which made it how I wanted. All that work, and the most REAL smile I've ever seen on your face...that gave me everything I've ever wanted in life."
Her smiling makes me smile. Her wanting to make me smile is what I miss.
Maybe one of these days we'll really appreciate what the other does for us...but right now, I just want what I give her and start there...
I love her so much that I'm willing to do anything for her...and I just want to know that she'd sacrifice anything to reciprocate...
1 comment:
I truly understand and feel that I have NOT been putting you first for a while. Maybe it began when the "situation" was going on(I only am being vague bc we both know what I mean, but the whole world doesn't need to have the complete load of dirty laundry) Maybe it began before this....I often struggle with what I want from life, and unreasonably high expectations of EVERYTHING are a true downfall for me. I do not feel that I have fallen short in putting you first because of other people, or because of anything other than struggling with my own self worth and direction. Being depressed makes a person very selfish or at least self-centered. I hate that I became so much that person we both were disappointed in. I DO love you, and yes, we DO have problems to work out....all couples do. I just hope that we can truly be as connected as we were when we were our best. I want even better times than those, and I KNOW we can get there.
I also want to say that I have become a more brutally honest person most likely because working in a rowdy bar, one becomes a bit calloused in their remarks. Not a good excuse but a bit of explanation. I will try to tone it down at home =o)
I love you and hope you'll forgive the times I didn't make you feel like a million bucks, honey. I want to see that grin on your face that says you feel like that.
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