(This is a graphic story, so if you are easily disturbed, stop reading...)
I've written on here about a specific person, how I felt about them, and how confused I was about a lot of it, but something happened recently that I'm not happy with, as it called my character into question.
I have been texting, hanging out and enjoying the company of someone for a while, and then while both of us were intoxicated, we took things to a different level. It was two adults, and while I repeatedly said I'd prefer to take things slower, I was being asked, "don't you want me?" and "why would you pass this up, you have a horny girl ready to do anything you want...annnything...?" And then the next day, I was told they felt the goings on of the night before were something they needed to wrap their head around, and wanted time and space. I told her to take all the time and space she wanted, but I was here to talk and discuss when she was ready.
A day later, a poke on facebook, etc, I get a text message from her that pretty much made it seem like the whole thing was blown over and we were cool. Those nice little texts turned into "but you should have known better..." texts and I was done with it.
We saw each other, talked it out and I thought everything was fine. Misunderstandings aside, I enjoyed the conversations I had with her, and was hoping we could get back to some normalcy, and slow down the buildup.
Then the 19th of December happened. She called me while I was having an early birthday party and she asked if she could hang out and come stay with me. I said, "Sure, we're having a good time with a bunch of people, come on out, we'll have fun."
When she showed up, she told me she had already begun drinking, and wanted to know if she could stay with me. She didn't sound drunk at the time, so I said, "sure, you can stay over..." She ordered a bottle of wine and before I knew it, seemed legitimately hammered.She began aggressively making out with me, saying things like, "I really like you and want you right now," etc, but I was letting it go because I wanted her to be okay. It was time to go home. At this point, I pretty much had to fight her to not get in a car to drive, but she calmed down, we got her to my place and she grabbed me.
At this point, she started up with the "don't you want me? You can do anything you want to me..." stuff, and I told her, we both had to go to work, and I wanted to go to sleep. Her aggression turned up, she came at me with, "If you don't, I'll leave! I'll walk to my car and drive home. Is that what you want?" I haven't ever seen that kind of ferocity in a person, and after multiple "I don't think this is a good idea" statements, I did what most guys do at that point, I thought with my dick. Midway through, I stopped. It wasn't what I wanted, so I stopped. And she continued with, "Don't you want to fuck me? Do you not like me? What is it? You can do anything you want to me...don't you want to fuck me?" And she grabbed my stuff in her hand and began to give me head. I finally told her I was too tired and wanted to sleep, whatever I could to stop.
Did I want it, sure. Did I want it under those circumstances? It felt surreal, and being a "nice guy," it was too much at the time, and now, I'm even more bothered by it.
After this second instance, she was late for work, as we had to get her a cab to get her car, and she was violently apologizing for her behavior, when she then texted, "did we have sex?" I told her that she was very demanding and not in the mood to listen to me say, "No," so after about the 6th or 7th time, we did. She said she felt used, and wanted time away from me. I once again said, "take all the time you need, but I'm sorry you feel that way."
What she didn't realize was what her words, "I feel like I was used" meant to me. To me, it had meant that my character, my self, who I am, was called into question.
Two days later she showed up to my work, on my birthday, and told me I was being rude when I didn't feel well, had just worked 22 hours in two days and said I was going home.
She began texting me and asking if she could come over. I told her I had to be at work at 7am, and I was just going home and it wasn't a good idea.
For the next two days, I was short in my responses to her because she still didn't get what she said, how she said it or what it REALLY meant. So on Christmas, she told me she got the point, and that since I was just being short about everything, she would leave me alone...so I finally called her out on it.
"You called my character into question and were one word away from making this situation much worse. You made me feel like an ass when you demanded I do it. And you didn't apologize. I want time away from this to digest it..."
To me, time is something that isn't minutes or a two day layoff, this is something I really wanted to think about.
Last night, I got told, "You wanted time, but it's been more like 2 weeks, not two days." She then proceeded to tell me to figure out what I wanted, which is funny, because she stated that she had been asked out by someone else, and had felt that based on things said between us, that *I* had already made up my opinion here and she was "taking the hint."
I told her to enjoy herself with the other person, but what did she want from me? I was done with it. I don't need to hear, "I really enjoy our conversations, and you are a great friend, but..." bullshit. You are telling me that I wasn't a good friend ten seconds before, but you want me around?
I'm getting too old for this shit.
No comments:
Post a Comment