573: If I did the right thing, why do I feel down?

I don't know if anyone else has ever known the outcome of an enabling relationship before the relationship begins, but I saw it coming, and it scared the bejeezus out of me. Anyone who knows me, knows that I want something real with someone, and that I've been in what I thought was good, Burt couldn't see the signs that it was smoke and mirrors. I've grown up since then, and I've learned to better understand people.

It isn't always a good thing to understand manipulation, emotional intelligence and when games are being played, because it prevents a lot of learning experiences before they can happen. It's "futurtist" thinking, if anything, which means you play out the outcomes before you really let it play out for real.

The best offense is a good defense, and I guess the vice versa also applies, but in this situation, you don't get hurt if you look for the reasons to not want it...

So anyway, I know I'm thinking this as a "why do I feel bad," and I think we know the answer...I'm lonely. I explained why she wasn't good for me a few days ago, but I let her make the decision so she'd keep her distance from me.

I discussed it with a friend of mine last night, and he said, 'you know she's going to start talking to you again at some point,' because the conversation turned to manipulation and CONTROL. He told me that she mentioned she had been asked out because she wanted to control me into making a decision to be in a relationship with her, which we all alreready know, was going through my head. Now granted, maybe at some point, it wouldn't be two people enabling each other, when she realizes her attempts to manipulate me were because she NEEDS to feel in control.

I also know why I miss her, it isn't 100% because I gave her control to end things, it also has a lot to do with me enjoying feeling attractive to an attractive 23 year old, and for a while, having no judgement placed upon me for my past and current digressions. What can I say, it doesn't take a lot to make me feel like there might be something.

It's a little later now, I don't feel where I did, but I'm still wondering why I'm even slightly upset about it.

Apparently something has been said to her friend, because I was totally being avoided when I saw her. Wonder what she said about me, now, too...

Hmmm....