The past week has been a game of two very like personalities attempting to see what the other person wanted, while wanting to maintain the control of the situation, or relationship.
I have seen enabling behavior, and even lived through it with my ex wife, only to come out knowing it wasn't what I ever wanted to be part of again, nor that it was fair to either person. My ex wife didn't deserve me enabling her drinking, but she didn't explain to me she felt it was a problem until the day she left...subsequently, she decided to blame me for it, which in turn wasn't fair to me, and wrecked probably the next four years of my life, as I still attempt to figure out how to get myself off the floor, rebuild more than my work life and feel 100% comfortable in my own skin.
Tonight, I want to be able to show my emotion to another human being, but I'm very protective of who I show that to, for fear that my built wall will look like nothing more than cardboard,when I need it to look rock solid. Unfortunately, I only have about three people I explain my life to AND show emotion, and none of them are close enough to where I can hang out with them and open up.
My problem with protecting myself probably also prevents me from myself, but that's a different story for a different night.
Sad, knowing it's the wrong decision is the only reason I don't dial my phone to Katherine's number. It isn't just a game, it's truly the knowing it's wrong for both parties that prevents me from doing it. Thinking with my head instead of my hurting heart.
Part of me also wonders if jotting this all down on a fully open blog to anyone wishing to read it is the smart decision, but I am the type that always needs his point heard, even if I don't think anyone is listening. If you do check this out, feel free to offer opinions, by the way, though as most people with similar personalities, I typically do not do well with advice, ha.
No comments:
Post a Comment