541: Y'ever wonder?

I think about things too much. I think about how I have what I would consider is a nice way to be romantic, but how nowadays could be looked at creepy, stalkerish or whatever else.

I read comic books and now they are really well written, so I use something I read about in Iron Man to explain this "paranoia" I have. Tony Stark called himself a "Futurist" in an issue as he explained that he sees all possible future outcomes and makes his decisions based on those possibilities," and I believe I do the same thing. My mind is extremely logical until something throws a wrench in the works and hits me with an emotion.

I know, your are probably wondering what the he'll I'm referring or wondering about that brought this up...truth is, to know is to hopefully understand that as lonely as I get, me being by myself is sometimes the best conclusion to the equation...should it be? I don't know.

My family is full of rage that they don't disperse. I have had multiple attempts to communicate this with my brother, as he is the most consistent with the rage and aggression,  and yet he will yell at me or tell me to stop it. I know I probably come off as condescending, but it is how I was raised...to belittle others to take your side in the debate. I have probably worked the hardest out pf my entire family to change that and yet, I am still guilty of it, and I know I'd take that out on people...sometimes without knowing it.

I'm just throwing these thoughts out here because I don't want to be alone, but when people ask me why I want a tattoo of Robert Bruce Banner turning into the hulk on my back, it's because I know how I get when I can't control my rage and I worry about those in my path when I get angry. The Joker in a Straight Jacket tattoo I want...little harder to describe...feel like my humor could be considered crazy and my mind trapped looking for an escape.

I am unsure I'll ever meet someone who fully understands me, but let it be known that I do FULLY understand myself when it comes to my feelings...it just does not come easy to figure out what to do about those feelings or how to control them.

I don't want to seem forceful with someone I like, but I want to progress the situation...and I'm contemplating all of the outcomes before I make my decision of where to go from here.