Before I really get into a 3am diatribe about myself, does everyone like the new look of the place? I do. I thought about changing the actual blog font, but figured it may be too difficult to read if it was in a silly font, so I just spruced up the rest of the site, felt that I made it easier to read and so forth...The White on black fonts sometimes to me feel easier to read at night than the black on white.
Tonight I saw her. I was at where I always am, and it seemed weird to start. I saw her, she sat down, I sat next to her and started asking about the things in her life, her kids, her dad, etc, and while not trying to be nosey, was asking to show I actually sympathized and wanted to be there to listen, etc for her. Two of her friends showed up and split us up from just the two talking, and I move across the table. Her friend was discussing about how she was inches away from breaking up with her boyfriend over what time she was supposed to pick him up, and she stated, "Had he listened initially, he would know, I told him tomorrow, not tonight..." yada yada yada. I joked and said that believing he listened was her first mistake, but then I asked, "so this is something big enough to break up over?"
The joke then turned a bit funnier, when her friend said, "You best watch it, Rob, otherwise, she may take you out..." meaning the more literal of beating me up, but I took the moment to make a joke and stated, "Well, that may be good for her...to take me out."
So as the night progressed, I found out that the one I've chatted about at long end about has split from the guy that she started seeing when she stopped any type of "interest" in me. I started joking with her about a few things, minor adolescent flirts, and then pretty much left that part alone. At the end of the night, we went outside and I walked her to her car, and chat with her, and while she was talking about certain things she seemed really sure about (her son, etc), but then I noticed she stopped making eye contact with me, again, and when I asked her why, she said that only one other person knows why she tries not to, and that since I couldn't read her, good luck trying to figure it out.
It was awkward towards the end. When she stopped our fiddling around a month ago, she didn't look me in the eye, but she was able to tell me she didn't want it anymore...tonight, she didn't say anything, she just stopped looking at me, and made small talk about how she should probably go. I took this as a "Nothing changed with us, here..." And an awkward pause, while not sure how to rid herself of the loyal stray...
I don't get it. Why am I intrigued by the situation? Why do I push myself into pursuit, when at this point, I'm probably just wasting more time and effort than I should?
I dunno, and because of that, it seemed, that while I know she's going through a whole heckuva lot, she's pushing everything and everyone away from her, at least from my perspective, but mainly, pushing me away because I've actually shown interest in wanting to help her find her smile, again.
The mental anarchist moment I have here is why do I punish myself with this? I've applied more effort for no result, I've attempted to connect with no wireless service, and I even think my intelligence has probably been insulted when all I've done this time is be the nice guy who's trying...
What do I know? I already know where my mental hangup is...if only I could shoot it up, get rid of it and start doing what I need to for me to get back out there and meet the right person for me...or at least for the next couple weeks...
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