Yesterday I got on here and posted saying that I haven't really felt creative, and that I didn't know when I was going to get that back. Unfortunately, no it didn't happen last night, though that would have made my month. Instead, I'm going to go into further detail on whats going on.
Ever not felt like yourself? Like you don't want to look at things through your eyes because your perception is skewed?
Christy (my wife) and I have been having problems out in the open for at least 1.5 months, and from her statements to me, even longer than that, if you ask her. These problems stem from the fact that we want to live our own lives, and take for granted the life we HAVE to share. It's depressing to see how far things can slip and then how much they affect you and keep you from being yourself.
After probably the worst fight we have had, while not becoming physically violent with her, I did become violent because my points and my statements were not loud enough and not the the point enough. Though the damage done is minor, its something I'm not proud of, and do not condone. The behavior shown from me this past weekend is not who I am, but I'm worried it may be who I become. I'm not happy with myself and though Christy tells me that I have to forgive myself and that she forgives me, I still don't know why it has gotten to where it has, and why its NOT AT ALL easy to try to fix, and everything is taking so much more effort just to attempt to stay civil and to continue trying to fix.
The problems escalate and its like being on eggshells. You tell the other person that they need help and that they need to stop treating you like crap, and then they tell you that you need to lay off and be easier on them. They tell you that you don't deserve to be lied to, deceived and then it occurs again. You tell them that you can't accept apologies because they fall short everytime, and that "sorry" is just a word, and yet the same things continue to happen.
I've asked myself when will "Enough be Enough..." only to come to the conclusion that I don't know how I'd live with myself if I gave up on everything at this point. I'm in a mental, physical and debilitating rut because of this and its taking away from the creative energies I've wanted to express since I was born...
I apologize for not being as jovial as I have in the past, or updating as often as I used to. This isn't just affecting my creativity, its really hurting a lot of other things, so I'll apologize for this, as well.
Hopefully things will start to get better, and when thats the case, you all will be the first to know. Thank you for your continued support of both LANDIS and ARDY, it truly means a lot to me.
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