Over the past 24 hours, I have given people access to this blog that I normally think I would have just kept to myself, so that they may see how I felt, and what happened that made me think something was starting, before the train of fear detailed whatever may've been going on.
The people I discussed it with all said I had a reason to be not just upset, but mad, because they know I don't let the emotions start unless it is seemingly going to be worth the ride.
When I would look in her eyes, I saw something, sure, but I do think she mistook something, and I believe that I'm being true by saying I never asked for a relationship from her, but to see where a blossom was headed. The playfulness of the situation was new, fresh and witty to me. Sure, it made me feel things I hadn't felt in years for someone, but that led to excitement of all possibilties.
If I tried to put myself in her shoes, a single mom of two, who had been hurt not just emotionally, but physically, than I am 100% different than those that came before me, so psychologically, am something completely different than what she is used to or understands. (Hm, why do I tend to choose the broken projects? Maybe I'll come back to this in a minute or another post) I get the fear from her, but not the lying veil to create space.
Maybe I am part of the problem, too. My emotions here did not create a lash out, but a need for understanding and a desire for the truth. I have a strong personality. I know this, but I pretty much give everything to those I care about (at least in my mind) and give my opinion ALL the time (for better or worse ). It is who I am, and is definitely an underlying theme of this blog, if you hadn't noticed. Maybe she felt I was asking too much of her, or more than she is willing to open up, even though to me, that isn't an issue because I am an open book. I really do believe that being honest is key, and here there was already someone doing their damndest to NOT be honest.
The topic of this entry was whether I should be hurt or mad at her for this situation. If she really looked someone else in the eye and saw love at first (re)sight, I guess that's one thing. And even then, just TELL ME. I am a goddamned man, and I handle the truth better than most because I demand it. She fell into the normal trappings of wanting to ease her pain, and I think she expected me to get mad at her for it, and all I did was say, I wish you have just told me. At thhat moment, I don't think I was mad, but now, I am not so sure.
I'm bummed, that much is for certain, because, with my heart on my sleeve, it got sneezed on, the nose wiped and then thrown away, rather than embraced, or at least continued on with its innocence.
I have been told it's her loss by male and female friends alike, and while the sentiment is nice, they give me too much credit. I am a good guy, yes, but not without fault. Do I deserve someone nice, loving, and caring that "gets" me, sure, I think everyone does, unless they are a fucking prick, to which I don't feel they deserve the ground where they stand.
Alas, I am preparing to board a plane, knowing that while I am hurt, I have to bury that to send my bachelor friend off to marital bliss, and knowing that two other close friends also cemented their relationship foundation with an engagement this week. Good for all of them, I am happy, proud, and glad to be a part of the rides. This trip couldn't come at a better time bit I'm hoping I can be the ME I am rather than the me I am right this moment.
I guess I will continue to ponder whether I should be mad or not. I still haven't figured out whyI actually car about it this much...
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