Confused

Why am I constantly alone? I have so many things moving in the right direction in my life, and yet, here I am, still ridiculously behind where I ever thought I would be.

I'll codename one of the people I discuss here as Snow, just in case someone ever sees this, which I doubt because people just don't write blogs anymore, let alone read them. Anyway, Snow means a bit in this tale, and I wonder if years from now when I go back and read this, if I'll ever still know her...

I've been talking to someone pretty extensively, she's attractive, smart, and I feel like when I'm with her, I can just be me, goofy, dorky, comic book video game geek Rob. But...I don't think she wants me ...not in that way, or she's really confused, which in turn, has her really confusing me.

She's married, but separated, but not because she wants to be, because her husband was a complete asshat after they had spent their entire adult lives together because he met someone at his job.

She's such a sweet girl, holding out hope for something that has moved hours away, yearning for it just to go back the way it once was...

Which is why I'm struggling with this, because it seems like she A) knows I like her, B) continues to hang with me knowing it, C) won't tell me she is or is not interested in me, but D) hesitates about telling me when she's hanging with another guy, obviously because she's worried about my reaction.

I just don't get it. So I did something bold, yet I think she just took it in stride.

A week ago, we hung out, and when I took her home, I saw in her eyes that she was telling me she was interested, but she didn't extend it when I attempted a move.

So bold move 1 was a bust. She messaged with me the next day, and now for roughly 4 weeks, we've been talking every day. I wait patiently, hoping I'll get a message, but also think that if she messaged last, that I should message first.

I ask how her day is going, and then talk about her day off coming up, and I ask if "she will think of me" on her day off. She says in retort, "why does that matter?" When I say after a couple weeks talking that I'd think I'd at least cross her mind, she says "I guess we shall see..."

What the fuck does that mean. Anyway, we hung out again last night. But before that, bold move number 2. I know that she likes certain characters in comics, and I decide to draw her. We are supposed to hang out, grab a drink, see a movie, and see what happens. I pick her up, and I give her my new comic because I know she can't make my signing. I placed the drawing in with it, and let her know there's a surprise in there, too, and she asks "can I see?" And I say she can when she gets home. I felt like we had a good time, saw a terrible movie, and I took her home.

She asked if she could have her surprise and then hugged me good night. She asked me to text when I got home, so I did, and she told me she "absolutely loved my drawing."

Today she text me letting me know she was looking at the drawing and smiling.
Let me know she sent it to her friend, who wasn't as excited as she was. Told me she liked how I draw...

After the smiling Everytime she looked at it, I told her "I guess you know how I feel when I see your face."

She didn't acknowledge it...

We chat a bit more tonight before I said goodnight, but I can't get my mind off her.

I even felt my chest begin pounding, definitely from anxiety.

Needless to say, I am still confused.

Marvel Comics Civil War II Hardcover Review

A Full Review of Civil War II (Including the #0 and FCBD stories and the entire miniseries 1-8)

By: Rob Potchak

I want to initially thank a friend for allowing me the opportunity to read his copy of the $50 hardcover edition of Civil War II, which included the #0 and the FCBD special they did. Written by Marvel conspirator, Brian Michael Bendis, and drawn by David Marquez (with guest artists in the last issue, as well as Jim Cheung and Olivier Coipel), this was supposed to be a miniseries that turned the entire Marvel Universe on its ear. What it did instead was have a lot of people waste money, kill off at least 3 major characters in the Marvel Universe, and maintain Bendis’ penchant for talking heads, and not a lot happening.

Let me give some background with spoilers. In the #0 issue, She Hulk is the lawyer on a trial of a former bad guy who is “talking shop” and is entrapped into unlawful talk, consequently, sent to prison, as She Hulk loses the case. At the end of the issue, two nobodies are introduced, Michelle and Ulysses, as they watch the Terrigen mists come in and are subsequently changed into Inhumans. Though we never really see what happens with Michelle, we DO see what happens with Ulysses, as he’s given the ability to Minority Report…you know, that weird futuristic Tom Cruise Movie, with the bald chick that can possibly but we aren’t really sure, see the future, and “Pre-Crime” is created. 

The FCBD issue of CW2 has Carol Danvers make out with James “Rhodey” Rhodes, aka War Machine, while making T’Challa look like a simp who wants to prevent himself from throwing up in his mask. As they all have talking heads moments, a Bendis specialty, the Inhumans show up, as does She Hulk. What happens next is one of Ulysses premonitions, as Thanos shows up with a giant rocket propelling gun (what?!) and they are there to stop him to which his only response is “you earth Avengers aren’t supposed to be here…” and as he’s looking for a Cosmic Cube, he proceeds to shoot She Hulk through the chest, and kills Rhodes. On panel, he’s apparently captured, and Danvers has a heated debate with Tony Stark about letting the future play out, instead of taking these “maybes” seriously.  So we have our first major casualty, and for what purpose? Exposition?

The first issue of the main mini-series happens before the FCBD book, recounts the events of Thanos coming to earth and Danvers whining and crying about it like any military official would, right? She Hulk tells her to “fight for it,” in a moment that actually has Marquez drawing Danvers with a smile.

Bruce Banner dies in the series, too, after it has been explained that he’s been experimenting on himself, and while he wasn’t able to kill himself with bullets in the past, we are supposed to believe Banner, who has NO real history with Hawkeye, tells Hawkeye that he trusts him to make the right call and kill him with the arrowhead that can kill Banner before he becomes the Hulk. “He was gonna change, and he gave me the way to end it before it happened,” all because a vision showed Hulk killing everyone, even though Banner hadn’t been the Hulk in “over a year,” to paraphrase.

The series utilized 18, let me restate, EIGHTEEN double page spreads over 10 issues, #1 alone had another 5 splash pages, and fifteen total other splash pages. The double page spreads, by the way, 3 of them were the exact same pages…yup, three times. How’s that for getting your money’s worth, readers?

By the end, Tony Stark is presumed dead at the hands of Captain Marvel, we are treated to some Andrea Sorentino pages of Old Man Logan not explaining anything in a vision from Ulysses, just some cool drawn pages because Bendis wants to steal more from Millar’s amazing Marvel stories, and he then sees a vision of “futures,” drawn by the artists we should anticipate will draw 2-3 issues of these new series before disappearing for another 6 months before they are announced somewhere else, but that is a written work for another day.

So, as the pages close on this story, Bendis has killed off the Hulk, War Machine, seriously injured She Hulk, and possibly killed Tony Stark, replacing him with the “I just showed up in armor,” Riri Williams. It ends with a whimper, with Ulysses becoming a Celestial, neither side a victor, but nothing really happened except we lost characters for the sake of selling the book and nothing more.

This is Marvel’s way, now, selling Bendis as the writer of a generation, when in fact, nothing ever happens, except characters change for the sake of Marvel diversifying their characters, trying to gain new readers when their sales are dipping lower than ever.

Once again, this book as it came out, cost $5.99 for the first issue, and $4.99 for every issue after that. Sure, there was a free issue in there, too, and the hardcover that I reviewed was $50 on the cover. The person who bought it, got 20% off at Barnes and Noble, but this story was not worth 4 issues, and was decompressed to where two issues of it (roughly) were double page spreads, and almost another was splash pages.

Sam Wilson is on the cover of the hardcover, and I don’t remember him even being in the book.

Would I recommend this book? Not at all. Save your money, and when you think about how great the Marvel movies are, and how they have become billion dollar franchises, remember, this is a book from the company that is “killing our childhoods,” as Joe Quesada stated at NYCC last year. While it is filled with gorgeous artwork from some of Marvel’s best talents, it is a flop the size of Age of Ultron (the comic, not the movie), and shows why Newsarama has stated that Bendis has written 3 of the worst 15 events in Marvel history.

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Pots of Gold podcast logo

New podcast up: Ultimate Warrior Passes away and a lot more...

SoundCloud.com/Robpotsy/

That will take you to the archive of our show, Potsy and the Turd. This week, Ward and I discuss the appearances of the Ultimate Warrior this weekend before his untimely death, our meeting him last year, and a lot more.

We also discuss what was formerly the Undertaker's Streak at Wrestlemania, Eric Young AND Daniel Bryan's wins for the Heavyweight Championships, and Amazon buying Comoxology.

A lot was crammed into an hour and twenty minutes, and I urge everyone to give a listen, it was really a good episode,

Potsy and the Turd - 3-24-14 - Triple H vs. Daniel Bryan, Concussions in Wrestling and Bruiser Brody

Below is the latest episode of the podcast. Link for our soundcloud page is also at the bottom PATT3 - 24 - 14 https://soundcloud.com/robpotsy enjoy!

Latest POTSY AND THE TURD Podcast...

Available here: https://soundcloud.com/robpotsy/3-10-14 Potsy and Ward discuss Wrestlemania, Hulk Hogan, Daniel Bryan, CM Punk, video games, comics and movies...but we go in depth on our feelings of HOUSE OF CARDS.

Over before it began (poem) - 5/15/2013

I touched your face once, to wipe away a tear
I told you that you were special, it was all sincere

You began talking of your life, and how it was convoluted
Many of your thoughts on it were kind of polluted

I listened and waited and said I wouldn't judge
My own personal feelings aside, I would never trudge.

Something happened that made it go away
We talked throughout April, and it ended in May

I'm still thinking about it, my mind starting to unfurl
I don't know why, I'm apparently crazy for this girl

There is no rhyme nor reason, aside from missing the connection
Yet since it ended, I've felt without direction

I made it my sunshine in darkness, lighting my way
Now I must force those feelings to sway.

A lot of things happened that prevented slow and steady, and that's why she ran
Once again, I was left alone, over before it began

Just an Evening Notwithstanding and Never Aware

I'm getting old...I know that, and it still doesn't hold me back from really trying to live my life to the greatest achievement state, while still being in a place in life where I look at everything and question why... Anyway, Wednesday was different. I was asked at about 8:15pm if I had plans, and I asked why. Told that my friend would be at the Fox and Hound for a while, I let him know I was interested in hanging, and would join him shortly. Five minutes later, I sent a text that I will wonder forever if it was the right thing to do, but not because I didn't want to. I text a friend, that for the longest time, I've been interested in, and because I'm a good person, asked for the okay to ask out, court, whatever you may state here. Tonight, that text was met with a "I'm being rejected by someone, so I'm not sure if I want to..." to which I replied, "How does one get you to say YES?" Anyway, she came out, and while the conversation on multiple occasions turned to the one that deflected her dinner invitation, I continued to push self-appreciation and happiness over something familiar. She continued to laugh, enjoy herself and speak her mind for the hours she spent next to me, and even spent the time singing karaoke,and showing me up. By the end of the night, I knew she had warmed up somewhat to me and my constant statement of "You should want for nothing, and you should wait for nothing..." approach. It's up to her to make the feeling true, but overall, I asked her to tell me when she got home. She did, and she said I could stop worrying about her...I told her I'd rather know she was happy, and after her reply of "you too..." I told her that more nights like tonight and maybe I WOULD be happy. More than anything, this is what I realized...I supply the sizzle to the "there is so much out there" steak. Ultimately, I'm a great guy while still being an asshole, yet, in the right circumstance, a girl may like what I'm offering in terms of intellect and humor... I dunno, I try to hard to NOT push my thoughts or beliefs to the point that I stress... -- That evening the reason I was asked out, was because my friend had originally invited me. As our group swelled to larger sizes than I'm used to, his reactions went from asshole humor to more of a sullen and and distracted state. I asked multiple times what the issue was, wondering if my flirting with a girl I invited was the cause for his dismay, but I later found out it wasn't. I won't go into details, other than it sounds like he's in a similar situation to what I wrote about above, and he doesn't know what to do, it's making him feel even worse, and he can't get his mind off this drowning sea of despair and non-defined feeling in his mind, but more importantly the hole it's creating in his heart. I gave him some advice, which I should take some of myself, as the situations are similar, but not identical in nature, and as such, here's what I told him: "You need separation, and need to clear your head. You need to let her figure out what she wants, let her make the right decision, and you will both be better because of it." He then told me he felt he should write to clear his mind, and I told him this was a bad idea, because he would just write about her, make it even harder to clear his head, and ultimately, yearn for something that hasn't been established as real, yet... Want to guess why I said PART of the advice I should take? Because I did neither, but I know I should take some... I need to get my foot in the door, have her wonder why I'm trying so hard to break the wall down, and not press it to the point that I fall in a friend zone, unless that's what I desire. What I shouldn't do, those that know me so well, is write about it, because at this point, I know that writing about the situation doesn't clear my head, it cements the thoughts that I may need to distance myself from, allowing me to not hurt myself in the event that nothing comes of this. The girl is beautiful, smart, nerdy, fun to be around, easy to talk to, and laughs at my jokes...a solid foundation, as long as I can get her to break away from the mold she established. A wishful thinking at best so far.

Wrestling's 2013 Finale...why take Daniel Bryan and weaken him even more?!

The WWE has always had a thing for making us accept what they wanted the average fan to accept. Unfortunately, what they believe to be compelling television, I look at as boring, unacceptible and in some cases, downright stupid.

Case in point, Daniel Bryan's ascension to the top of the foodchain, only to be relegated back to midcard status when the fans WANT Bryan at the top of the card. There has been NO payoff to Bryan beating Randy Orton on multiple occasions, and at the same time, throwing him in with "Big Bad" Bray Wyatt and the beard committee is just deplorable to his character.

Sure, someone in the WWE will tell us that they believe this is what will finally push him over the top in popularity, because he will continue to be pushed down by the one man in the WWE with a bigger beard than his, until he finally snaps, shows off a talented array of moves and has the crowd once again chanting, "Yes Yes Yes!" but I for one think he is already there, and as such, should have been given the cart blanche and been allowed to ride it like Steve Austin did in the mid-90's.

That isn't what they wanted to give us though. They believe they know what we want, more than what we tell them we want. By this point, in the Attitude Era, Steve Austin would have looked HHH and Stephanie in their face, told them that he is the "Superstar of the Year," and when they weren't looking, blasted them both with a knockout blow, and hit them with a stunner each, for good measure. When they'd get up, he'd stomp a mud hole in them, drink a beer and give a late Christmas present of ANOTHER stunner to each. He wouldn't get looked at as a heel, he'd look like the anti-hero...the guy we never wanted, but the guy that came at the right time to instill life into a boring product.

With Bryan, he could stomp on HHH's foot, kick him in the face and the place would explode. IF HHH didn't sell the first one, he could throw him into the YES lock and really show him who was boss, especially if a crying Stephanie attempted to break the hold and couldn't get him off her husband. But no, we have to settle for him turning his back on the fans that showed him the respect his characterisation deserved, and all because the ego of Vince and his family will not allow US to dictate what WE WANT.

Sure, they hit a home run earlier in the program with the return of Brock Lesnar, except even that made a regular GOOD worker look weak to a part-timer in hopes that either Batista or the Undertaker will say that he has to get in line and have a showdown at Wrestlemania. Brock also saying that he doesn't have to win the Royal Rumble to be the #1 contender also makes the winner of the Rumble look weak in comparison. If he can just throw that out there, why can't anyone?  Seems legit.

The frustrating thing about all of this is that from Money in the Bank through SummerSlam, WWE looked like it finally understood. The rumors of Dutch Mantel and Paul Heyman writing the program seemed REAL, and seemed to push what we wanted to see, rather than force feeding us Big Show in a spot he hadn't earned in the people's eyes. By the time Survivor Series was over, we saw that go over like a fart in church, and they scrambled lost their way again.

Could I write a better program? Yeah, honestly, I could. I know they work hard, week in and week out, coming up with 6 or so hours of compelling television, but with them, they are so flippy-floppy (HHH's term) on what they are trying to accomplish, that it just leaves me yearning the days when the writers were IN SYNC with the audience, and Daniel Bryan would be not only the SuperStar of the year, but getting the respect he deserves.

removed light

The days are long, but the sun is gone.
Done are the days of bright hot light
The drive and determination to push on,
leaving with every exhaling breath.
Nights used to extend into morning
with hope for tomorrow.
No rays touching more than face
Loss of heat touching the chest
Only burn after it has left
It shines where it always has
leaving me to bask in darkness.

COMIC INCONSISTENCIES: The role of the "REGULAR ARTIST" on titles and my issue with this...

As a comic book reader, I have a trust and a faith in certain artists and certain writers to put out good books on a regular basis, and I am very partial to specific artists that I will pick up anything they work on. What my problem is with this is simple, companies like Marvel Comics will tell you that certain artists are the "NEW REGULAR ARTIST" on a title, when in fact, they'll be on the book for 3-6 issues, and then someone else will be on it.

Here are a few instances recently that have really irked me.

Marc Silvestri was announced as the new HULK artist when Indestructible Hulk started, along with writer, Jason Aaron. In this situation, it was noted that Marc was leaving the title after a family matter prevented him from being able to complete his six issue run. Six issues. Half a year. I'm not mad at Silvestri for having family problems that prevented the completion, but shouldn't he have come back for a few issues afterwords just really be the "regular artist?"

Joe Madureira has TWO  instances on this list, with his Spider-man story last year, which then went on to become rotating artists and a team up book of sorts. The second, is his "new regular artist" on Savage Wolverine, which we now see to be 3-4 issues, and I'm sure his "run" on Inhuman will be nothing more than 3 issues and a bunch of future covers, as they let someone like Andrea DiVito take over after because of his strong line work.

Steve McNiven, probably my favorite artist out there today, had the same thing happen when he was the "regular artist" on Ed Brubaker's restart of Captain America, and how long did that last? 4 Issues? Maybe 6?
He then followed this up with a run of 2.5 issues of Guardians of the Galaxy (okay, 3.5, he did the preview issue, too).He was the REGULAR artist on these titles, and didn't make it a year on them.

I understand that their art takes longer to produce, but what happened to where artists would be able to complete 10 issues a year? These artists don't even produce as many pages, since most books are down to 20 pages now, and they typically have 3-4 splash pages in each, which yes, take a little longer to compose, but it's less work than the 19 panels that used to go into Chris Claremont scripts.

Is it fair that Ivan Reis, Brett Booth, Ryan Stegman, or any number of other guys produce quality work month in and month out, but they have to put out the regular work because they don't have the same name recognition?

I am already worried that DC Comics, who has not typically had this problem, like with Greg Capullo just signing a contract that let's him, "Draw Batman as long as I want to," will begin doing this as well, because I'm afraid that Jim Lee's commitments as publisher will prevent him from finishing 12 issues of Superman Unchained, the final page of issue two looks less like Lee, and more like Carlos D'anda with the Lex Luthor computer looking like the only piece drawn by Lee.

So here's my argument: They aren't REGULAR artists if they are getting a #1 issue out to drive sales and leaving by issue 4. It is cheating the reader, unless you rotate like Amazing Spider-man did, by keeping the quantity AND quality up with the artists you have on it. But that's a regular TEAM of artists, not one guy. I'm okay with that, but it bugs me that these guys can barely get three issues done before they either move them to something else, or they only do a quick snapshot story, which should be a MINISERIES, NOT an ongoing that we believe they are long hauling it.

576- Still not quite myself

My life over the last three months has been a rollercoaster, and not one that people pay admission to ride. I have found out things about my job that make it more difficult to concentrate, I have dealt with a now nonexistent would be relationship, and I've gone through the holidays, and subsequent really slow ass time at work.

I find myself in a rut. Not one that will get me in trouble like my divorce (you know, two duis, a lot of debt, and trust issues), but still one that makes me wonder, if and when, I'll finally be able to just go out, enjoy myself, and maybe meet someone that is interesting and beautiful to me.

Right now, however, what I want is someone of the opposite sex I can be emotional around, because I am unable to express my true feelings and emotions around most of my guy friends, and for that matter, the women, too.

I've been watching a show called THE GLADES, where a transplanted detective takes cases in his work life, while he works on a relationship with a mother who is married to a guy in jail. It had parallels to how I feel with a lot of things, but mainly, people really seem to hold on too long, cause themselves misery, and I've noticed in North Carolina, LIVE with each other, to where they wouldn't find something better if it bit them in the ass.

It amazes me that cheating runs as wild as it does, as it has to happen somewhere, and people these days are too cheap for hotel rooms.

I don't think I'm going to find that complimentary to my life person that I would like, and it is amazing that Katherine wanted a relationship of any kind with me when we fought about whatever the hell it was that we were...

Still, part of me misses it.  Why? Pretty simple. Somebody wanted something to do with me, versus the alternative...nobody wanting me.

I believe anyone actually reading this must feel that I'm really depressed...I just think I'm bored with my norm, bored with here, and unable, OR unwilling to change it because what I'm used to is so comfortable.

Hmm, may've just hit a nail into the board there...and with that, I'm reverting back to sleep...snow on the ground, I may have to walk to work tomorrow.

575 - ln Comic book terms

This is an anniversary blog. A big number. With a comic book, this installment would be double sized to show its importance, while also beginning or ending a specific chapter in the hero's life. Man, too bad this isn't a comic book, huh?

I wrote an installment earlier this evening, and then a friend came up and told me they had read my blog recently. She then told me I had multiple grammatical errors in it, which isn't surprising, as I write it on a tablet, and that leads me to believe I misspell, mistype and misappropriate a lot, because I am thinking faster than I am typing, and unlike in earlier "episodes," I now find myself just moving on too the next thought and not fixing the errors.

My life is filled with highs and lows and not many moments of the middle 'happy place' spot. I'm not sure why, I won't speculate on that, but I know it is one or the other, and rarely somewhere between.

I am not sure where I am in my life at the moment, but my recent lapse of where I had been to where I am now makes me a little more confused.

I feel as though I have lost something, and not even something important, but something nonetheless, and that is worrisome. I'm really hoping over the next month or so, many more of these writings will be followups to what o had been reading, but I'd rather write and produce than just think something is happening out of nothing.

I need to begin going after things I want, rather than just tell you I'm going to try, and then leave it alone, until then, I will settle for background signs.

574 - Feel emotion

The past week has been a game of two very like personalities attempting to see what the other person wanted, while wanting to maintain the control of the situation, or relationship.

I have seen enabling behavior, and even lived through it with my ex wife, only to come out knowing it wasn't what I ever wanted to be part of again, nor that it was fair to either person. My ex wife didn't deserve me enabling her drinking, but she didn't explain to me she felt it was a problem until the day she left...subsequently, she decided to blame me for it, which in turn wasn't fair to me, and wrecked probably the next four years of my life, as I still attempt to figure out how to get myself off the floor, rebuild more than my work life and feel 100% comfortable in my own skin.

Tonight, I want to be able to show my emotion to another human being, but I'm very protective of who I show that to, for fear that my built wall will look like nothing more than cardboard,when I need it to look rock solid. Unfortunately, I only have about three people I explain my life to AND show emotion, and none of them are close enough to where I can hang out with them and open up.

My problem with protecting myself probably also prevents me from myself, but that's a different story for a different night.

Sad, knowing it's the wrong decision is the only reason I don't dial my phone to Katherine's number. It isn't just a game, it's truly the knowing it's wrong for both parties that prevents me from doing it. Thinking with my head instead of my hurting heart.

Part of me also wonders if jotting this all down on a fully open blog to anyone wishing to read it is the smart decision, but I am the type that always needs his point heard, even if I don't think anyone is listening. If you do check this out, feel free to offer opinions, by the way, though as most people with similar personalities, I typically do not do well with advice, ha.

573: If I did the right thing, why do I feel down?

I don't know if anyone else has ever known the outcome of an enabling relationship before the relationship begins, but I saw it coming, and it scared the bejeezus out of me. Anyone who knows me, knows that I want something real with someone, and that I've been in what I thought was good, Burt couldn't see the signs that it was smoke and mirrors. I've grown up since then, and I've learned to better understand people.

It isn't always a good thing to understand manipulation, emotional intelligence and when games are being played, because it prevents a lot of learning experiences before they can happen. It's "futurtist" thinking, if anything, which means you play out the outcomes before you really let it play out for real.

The best offense is a good defense, and I guess the vice versa also applies, but in this situation, you don't get hurt if you look for the reasons to not want it...

So anyway, I know I'm thinking this as a "why do I feel bad," and I think we know the answer...I'm lonely. I explained why she wasn't good for me a few days ago, but I let her make the decision so she'd keep her distance from me.

I discussed it with a friend of mine last night, and he said, 'you know she's going to start talking to you again at some point,' because the conversation turned to manipulation and CONTROL. He told me that she mentioned she had been asked out because she wanted to control me into making a decision to be in a relationship with her, which we all alreready know, was going through my head. Now granted, maybe at some point, it wouldn't be two people enabling each other, when she realizes her attempts to manipulate me were because she NEEDS to feel in control.

I also know why I miss her, it isn't 100% because I gave her control to end things, it also has a lot to do with me enjoying feeling attractive to an attractive 23 year old, and for a while, having no judgement placed upon me for my past and current digressions. What can I say, it doesn't take a lot to make me feel like there might be something.

It's a little later now, I don't feel where I did, but I'm still wondering why I'm even slightly upset about it.

Apparently something has been said to her friend, because I was totally being avoided when I saw her. Wonder what she said about me, now, too...

Hmmm....

572 - Ending Something the Only way i know how

Tonight, at 6:05pm, I received a text message that asked "are you not talking to me, now?" And I thought about leaving it without an answer, but something in me needed more here...and I got it, closure (for now) in a situation that when good was a lot of fun, but when bad, went straight to batshit crazy...

She continued to tell me that it was apparent I had made my mind up about what I wanted, or in her mind, what I didn't want.

I began to ask, "what do you want from me?" And continued to receive the same answer, that we should stop talking.

I tried to explain to her how I asked for space, and she wouldn't give me any, as she continued to "check in" on me, which kind of defeats the purpose.  Sometimes a person needs more than 24 hours to get their mind around what they want.

She then told me I bring out the worst in her, and told me I shouldn't want to be with her, reminding me that someone else had asked her out.

--

I'm going to cut this short, because it went on for four hours of text messages, but the gist of it was this.

I asked what she wanted, and she continued to tell me what *I* shouldn't want (which was her), to which I finally said to her, if you want to be done with me, that's on you, not the other way around. If it is what you want, I will respect your wishes.

She told me she would remove me from her Facebook, and she wouldn't text or "try" to hang out at my local spot.

She called me cold, she told me she couldn't believe I would demand she tell me what she wanted, but in turn she never did.

I let her be the one to end it, not to feel like the broken up guy, but because if it is someone else's decision, it typically holds up longer, and some times forever.

I'll miss the 23year old firecracker, but I won't miss feeling like I had been taken advantage of, or being blamed for things that were out of my control. 

She manipulated me into a no win situation, which she still doesn't grasp, and wanted me to accept blame for my role in it, which I simply can not do.

I knew if I told her I didn't want to see her again, she would come back and ask why and there would be drama, so I took one for the teams, since she had already called my character into question, she'll believe I was really an asshole, rather than feel I gave her an exit to help her, a final, selfless act here...

Kinda fucked up, I know.

571 - Me, who I am, and how I have to end a very implosive situation.

(This is a graphic story, so if you are easily disturbed, stop reading...)
I've written on here about a specific person, how I felt about them, and how confused I was about a lot of it, but something happened recently that I'm not happy with, as it called my character into question.

I have been texting, hanging out and enjoying the company of someone for a while, and then while both of us were intoxicated, we took things to a different level. It was two adults, and while I repeatedly said I'd prefer to take things slower, I was being asked, "don't you want me?" and "why would you pass this up, you have a horny girl ready to do anything you want...annnything...?" And then the next day, I was told they felt the goings on of the night before were something they needed to wrap their head around, and wanted time and space. I told her to take all the time and space she wanted, but I was here to talk and discuss when she was ready.

A day later, a poke on facebook, etc, I get a text message from her that pretty much made it seem like the whole thing was blown over and we were cool.  Those nice little texts turned into "but you should have known better..." texts and I was done with it.

We saw each other, talked it out and I thought everything was fine. Misunderstandings aside, I enjoyed the conversations I had with her, and was hoping we could get back to some normalcy, and slow down the buildup.

Then the 19th of December happened. She called me while I was having an early birthday party and she asked if she could hang out and come stay with me. I said, "Sure, we're having a good time with a bunch of people, come on out, we'll have fun." 

When she showed up, she told me she had already begun drinking, and wanted to know if she could stay with me. She didn't sound drunk at the time, so I said, "sure, you can stay over..." She ordered a bottle of wine and before I knew it, seemed legitimately hammered.She began aggressively making out with me, saying things like, "I really like you and want you right now," etc, but I was letting it go because I wanted her to be okay. It was time to go home. At this point, I pretty much had to fight her to not get in a car to drive, but she calmed down, we got her to my place and she grabbed me.

At this point, she started up with the "don't you want me? You can do anything you want to me..." stuff, and I told her, we both had to go to work, and I wanted to go to sleep. Her aggression turned up, she came at me with, "If you don't, I'll leave! I'll walk to my car and drive home. Is that what you want?"  I haven't ever seen that kind of ferocity in a person, and after multiple "I don't think this is a good idea" statements, I did what most guys do at that point, I thought with my dick.  Midway through, I stopped. It wasn't what I wanted, so I stopped. And she continued with, "Don't you want to fuck me? Do you not like me? What is it? You can do anything you want to me...don't you want to fuck me?" And she grabbed my stuff in her hand and began to give me head. I finally told her I was too tired and wanted to sleep, whatever I could to stop.

Did I want it, sure. Did I want it under those circumstances? It felt surreal, and being a "nice guy," it was too much at the time, and now, I'm even more bothered by it.

After this second instance, she was late for work, as we had to get her a cab to get her car, and she was violently apologizing for her behavior, when she then texted, "did we have sex?" I told her that she was very demanding and not in the mood to listen to me say, "No," so after about the 6th or 7th time, we did. She said she felt used, and wanted time away from me.  I once again said, "take all the time you need, but I'm sorry you feel that way."

What she didn't realize was what her words, "I feel like I was used" meant to me.  To me, it had meant that my character, my self, who I am, was called into question.

Two days later she showed up to my work, on my birthday, and told me I was being rude when I didn't feel well, had just worked 22 hours in two days and said I was going home.

She began texting me and asking if she could come over. I told her I had to be at work at 7am, and I was just going home and it wasn't a good idea.

For the next two days, I was short in my responses to her because she still didn't get what she said, how she said it or what it REALLY meant. So on Christmas, she told me she got the point, and that since I was just being short about everything, she would leave me alone...so I finally called her out on it.

"You called my character into question and were one word away from making this situation much worse. You made me feel like an ass when you demanded I do it. And you didn't apologize. I want time away from this to digest it..."

To me, time is something that isn't minutes or a two day layoff, this is something I really wanted to think about.

Last night, I got told, "You wanted time, but it's been more like 2 weeks, not two days." She then proceeded to tell me to figure out what I wanted, which is funny, because she stated that she had been asked out by someone else, and had felt that based on things said between us, that *I* had already made up my opinion here and she was "taking the hint."

I told her to enjoy herself with the other person, but what did she want from me? I was done with it. I don't need to hear, "I really enjoy our conversations, and you are a great friend, but..." bullshit. You are telling me that I wasn't a good friend ten seconds before, but you want me around? 

I'm getting too old for this shit.

567: Confusion sets in...

So last night, while texting with Katherine, she told me that we had entered the friend zone. That dreaded place where you can never get out of it, and you can never be more...but it wasn't true to me, and she said it was my actions that placed her in my friend zone. She stated that every time she put herself out there, I would shoot it down, and this was not the case.

I'm a pretty sensitive guy, for being the egotistical asshole I am, but when I like someone, I normally try to move at an old-fashioned pace to make sure things are more right...unfortunately, I'm in a digital age, so that isn't always an accepted brand anymore.

So, with both of us receiving what we felt were mixed signals, she fold me I needed to figure out what I wanted, because she thought I was either wanting too much, or not enough, and my overactive mental state when it comes to things like this (ie, why I write a blog about what I'm thinking) had me all sorts of confused.

She told me that she always cared and she was always the one that ended up hurt. I think this is because lines and boundaries were not drawn, or explained.

"you dont want to be only friends, you dont want a relationship so what does that mean... u dont want me to date other people you dont care if i do date other people... you want to what? you dont want to what? you cant put me in limbo land like that"

She told me to think about it and then kinda stopped chatting with me. I felt she was telling me she wanted me to really ponder what I wanted from her/us, and what's really awkward, is she didn't say what she wanted, only that I shouldn't go to her until I knew what I wanted....

Then, about 830pm, she text me a frown face and when I asked why, she wrote "because I hadn't heard from you all day" and so,etching else.   So I wrote this (paraphrasing here):

I really like you. But I don't think it would be fair to jump into a full blown relationship with you because we haven't even gone on a real date. So I'd like to take you out, feel it out and see if it is something we both want to pursue.

I then told her that at this point, I'd like to hear how she feels and by asking it, I would do whatever I could to not upset her or hurt her if she was just honest with me about it.

Her answers after that got kinda shortened and she even stated, 'someone else just asked if I wanted to do something, so let me figure it out and I'll get back to you...an hour and a half later she tells me she got into a conversation on with her roommate, and then told me she didn't want to come over.

Its frustrating because I gave her the truth, as ND I got nothing in return...I wish she were a bit more straightforward sometimes, because it would be easier to not get frustrated....

Oh well, its time for bed...

I just reread my last post...

Twice this week, I have felt like that post. This time, part of me thinks it's over, something else leads me to wonder whether or not it really is THAT far...

My problem is I like someone. I have been 100% honest with her, and on more than one occasion I have been asked, "tell me something that I don't know about you."...in fact, I believe I'm up to the fourth time that question has been asked, and under each circumstance, I've made sure that each of those moments I talk about are relevant about me...my DUIs, my marriage, my dad from his stroke. All things that lead me to be the person I am, and the strength that defines me.

I met her about a month ago, when my buddy Mike introduced us during a Notre dame football game. I enjoyed her company, but she ducked out before we could exchange numbers. I used my coy detective skills to figure out how to reach her, and before I knew it, we were texting constantly.

We don't get to hang out a lot, and while some questions asked have been about where to go, we just continued chatting, and seeing each other sporadically when we could.

We hung out a couple nights ago, she watched as I sang karaoke, and she told me her favorite band is a band that I have a big fondness for, Sister Hazel. Anyway, I sang some of their music and went back to hang. I walked her to her vehicle went through just listening to her discuss her things she wanted to discuss. She asked me what my Thursday plans were, and I told her I didnt have any and we made plans to hang out over the next few days. The next day, it all went awry.

To be continued...