518: 2 hours before work

Just some random quick thoughts:

- I hope the WWE turns Christian heel after his title loss and keeps him in the title picture. I want a good heel, though, one who thinks he's righteous, so before you know it, he turns face again and you love him even though you are supposed to boo him...y'know...like the ROCK.

- Lots of changes happening at the day job, and I worry for my boss. I think he sees the door closing on him, and it has a lot to do with his other managers. I was upset that my store fell from 99 in the company (out of 4400) to 223 this past week because of one bad week. But the ONE BAD WEEK, was absolutely the worst week my store has had in years. Sad thing is, most stores would have killed for a week at 3027. Notice the difference there?

- I got an invite to Nintendo's E3 press conference, so I am now on the list and just have to get myself to their shuttle pickup to go to it. I'm SUPER excited as they will be showing a NEW console for the first time since the Wii! WOWSERS!

- I haven't drawn anything in a while and feel as though I need to do more freehand work, instead of just the photorealistic work.

- My new attitude on things seems to be a hit, LOL. I am enjoying just being myself, but I really don't have a shut off valve for my mouth right now, so watch out. I feel if I were to meet some new people, I may be the hit of THEIR party, too.

- I have started watching Dr. Who (the new version), and I have to say, it seems like stupid british genius. I'm only two episodes in, but it's wacky and has a 70's Buck Rogers feel to it.

- I can't wait for White Collar's return. Or Burn Notice. Or The League.

- My dog won't stop whining and it is really beginning to piss me off. It's just damned annoying.

- You should play Portal 2.

- ach, time to bolt.

517: the empty hole again.

feeling a bit low
trying to pull back up
thinking I'm too good
to be held back
taking my beatings
licking my wounds
drawing from my heart
seeing the world in new light
power radiates
burning from within
knowing I'm better
waiting for someone to see
that's why I'm me
in this empty hole again

---

Did I expect to write poetry tonight? No. Why should I? I haven't written anything like that in a very long time, nor do I typically feel prosey. As you can tell, the words I write in poetry are just fractioned sentences, feelings poured on the page. I don't consider myself good at writing poetry because I don't follow any of the rules.

The reason for this entry is because while I know I'm busting my ass at work and trying to sustain life as I know it, I am finding myself more and more listless. I want something else, and I'm starting to crave it, in a desperate frame, if you will. While I'm not begging or anything like that, I can feel the heart wander and demand, while I still sit back, holding myself back from going out and getting what I want.

I've started saying what I want and how I feel, but I am still not all there with that way of living. I am moving into that role, being me, liking me and selling me for top dollar. I'd love to just dive in, but my approach is babysteps, here...even though I know it CAN'T be.

oh well, what'cha gonna do?

516: on my mind...Dissection of Rob:Body and Mind

So I get told these things all the time...stop me if you have heard them all:

1- You are a great guy, and someday, you'll make a woman very happy

2- You are cool people, and I like hanging out with you

3- Why are you single?

4- With all your talents, I can't believe you aren't with someone

So it's easy to dissect them, because all of these statements have come from women that I've been close to, wanted to be close to, or are just friends that have opinions that matter to me. Actually, some of them are just random girls I know, as well, but I hear these things constantly?

The rumor that it will find you if you aren't looking is NOT true. That's the biggest bunch of bullshit I've ever heard. What I don't get, though, is if I'm such a catch...why haven't I been caught? Many people would take this as a sign of depression, the ol' woe is me approach, but seriously...what am I missing, what am I lacking, and why, in the eyes of women who let me in the front door as a friend, am I really that great of a guy that will make someone happy?

I have no answers to any of these questions. Here's how I typically look at myself:

We'll start with my negative feelings about myself
I'm 33 years old
pale complexion with freckles
25 pounds overweight right now
when it comes to saying what I like, I'm shy. I have a hard time going to start the convo.
I'm short. 5'8"
I work in a field that is dominated by male customers, so women are hard to come by, and when they do, it's normally for their man.
I'm honest to a fault (some of these are huge positives, as well, mind you).
I'm a nerd, geek, and want someone who is not against these things (video games, comics, pro-wrestling, sports, scifi, horror, etc)
I'm T-shirt and Jeans...
I don't drive (currently)

Okay, I've downtrodden myself enough here, so let's go with the positives:
I am loyal
I'm devoted
I have an ungodly amount of charisma
I am brutually honest
I WILL make you laugh
I can sing
I can write
I can draw
I am outgoing to where I bring the party
I am good with kids
I love dogs
I love my family
I love my friends

So let's break this down...notice: EVERY single one of my "flaws" is physical and EVERY positive is something that you have to see or get to know. You can't beat those odds, because I know that while those are the things in my mind, it stems back to a long time before that, when I would hear it.

This is why I've taken my current approach of "Love me or hate me, I'm still me...and I WILL show (tell) you that." It isn't much different than how I've always been, but truth is, I am going to start telling you I think you are attractive, and I think I'm even going to start telling people that they are missing out, and you know why?

Because every girl polled knows it, and maybe its time the rest the them did, too.

Woot.

515: I don't feel like being on the computer all day, so about last night...

So last night was the first time I'd seen "the girl" since she decided to re-hook with a former interest and left me in the rain. No sweat, I'm actually okay with it, but it was a little on the awkward side when she comes up, gives me a hug, and just stops talking with him, asks me how my trip was, and tell me she was jealous I went to Yankee stadium...oh, then introduced me.

But what was funny about the whole situation, I shook his hand as I was leaving and as I left the bar, he followed me out and stopped me to chat. I don't know if I just didn't want to like the guy or whatever the case may be, but...this dude was boring. He just started talking about nothing, and it seemed that maybe, besides her, he wanted to have a friend here...and I just think I'd sympathize for him, but I couldn't help but yawn at him.

She came outside, and looked cold, I of course, wearing a jacket and offer it to her, she declines and then HE insists she take it...LOL, really? He wanted to continue talking about just random nothings. She's freezing, wearing my jacket and he wants to just continue with the blah blah blah.

He walked away to put out his smoke, and she kinda looked at me and shrugged her shoulders.

Wow...I guess if they really have something special when they are alone, that's one thing, but while I was worried about having things in common, I just think this guy's best act is to put others to sleep at night.

I know I sound like I'm hating, and I'm not trying to, but the reason why people like me is the personality, and he just seemed to be sorely lacking. The kind of guy that won't sing at the karaoke bar, while standing to watch with his arms crossed like he's ready to go.

And having been the person that found that lost love after a long layover somewhere else... it normally doesn't work out the second time for the same reasons it didn't the first time. The only problem is, you try to keep it going much longer the second time...and then it breaks you even harder.

It's no big deal, I've decided I'm just gonna be me and enjoy myself. I felt like a million bucks when I got back from vacation, and it's time to punch the depression in the mouth. Sure, coming home alone to the pups is a little disheartening, but I think I've put up a front and don't try to talk to people when I probably should...I want to try something else, and think I'm going to.

514: Try again...

There are no words to really describe how you feel about your oldest friends. Brother, "My boys" etc. Often times we do not say we love them, but you know it. The same can be said about a budding relationship that builds over time. You know it, they know it, but it isn't until it's said that it takes a foothold.

John explained to me that the first time he took Raquel out, he had started kinda seeing someone. But it wasn't until a few days after his first date with Raquel, when she called him to tell him she had a nice time that it took that hold. Me, I would have thought it would have been after she said yes to the first date being an AC/DC concert... I mean, that should have had john putting a ring on her finger there.

I don't know when they became a couple officially, but I
know that when I meant Raquel, john was trying to say it wasn't serious, while in a juvenile way was kinda motioning "check out what I landed! YEAH!"

John's always been very meat and potatoes...at least up til about 2-3 years ago, when he started traveling the world, and getting more cultured than his "Roll Tide" persona. He will probably disagree, but I bet it had to do with impressing someone.

I don't know Raquel well,  but you can see that these two really enjoy each other, respect each other and finally, love each other.

They don't seem to question each other, they simply stand by each other knowing that they can handle anything that stands in their way. John's a special guy and Raquel must be special as well, for these two to have found each other and built a bond that stand the test of time.

None of us lose here, folks...we all gain. Some gain a son, others a daughter, a brother or a sister, or even those not related, gaining another piece to our lifelong friendsbips...Let's ring them in with a toast and wish them a lifetime of happiness.

513: The speech.

I'm going to write a little into this, a heads up if you will.

John and I have known each other for well over a decade, and he's probably the only friend I have never had a fight with. I'm not sure why, we have seen each other at our best and at what was probably each other's worst. We've seen each other go through nasty break ups, and even both got dumped on "Independence Day."

While most of our long conversations consist of sports, I know he's heard me break down, and I'm pretty sure I've heard him do it as well.  Anyway, he's one of my best friends, and I probably should have known my marriage wouldn't last when he told me he couldn't make it. So let's try to write a speech.

Hmm...I have writers block. Haha...let's get back to it.

512: Okay, time to get passed it...

So I'm telling myself I have to get passed the situation because I have a feeling I'm going to see her more often than I'd like, because at least our Wednesday social circles overlap, and I want to believe she was being honest on her "don't want to hurt you" statement. I do think that if she liked what was happening between us, it should have been the other guy she told she had something with someone else, but whatever. I know long distance things don't work, but I don't know what her deal is and I guess I shouldn't care, either...so I am going to move away from this.

Today, first day I was in NY, and it really felt good. I hadn't seen John in about two years and what's great is we just get along, give our opinions and our friendship has always been a shining spotin my life and I am honored and privileged to be his best man this weekend. Our trip to Atlantic City tomorrow is gonna be a crazy go round, though I've got to be careful with the money, as I really don't have any to waste, and I'll still be wasting some of it, lol.

Other friends show up tomorrow and while it has a chance to be THE HANGOVER, I don't think it will ever get that crazy, but what do I know?

Raquel, John's fiancee, seems great for him as they just get along and compliment each other well, which is good. I have seen him put himself out there in other relationships and this time, I think that it really has to do with the compliment feelig that drew him to her and he told me a story of how he met her and how he knew he wanted to continue talking to her after she called him back and told him she enjoyed it. She reached out and he liked that. He wasn't chasing her and she wasn't chasing him. It was a partnership from launch, and that's what he needed.

Wonder if I'll ever find that for myself...since I am not just "fun to chill with, " I typically make the party what it is.

511: Should I be hurting or feeling this much?

Over the past 24 hours, I have given people access to this blog that I normally think I would have just kept to myself, so that they may see how I felt, and what happened that made me think something was starting, before the train of fear detailed whatever may've been going on.

The people I discussed it with all said I had a reason to be not just upset, but mad, because they know I don't let the emotions start unless it is seemingly going to be worth the ride.

When I would look in her eyes, I saw something, sure, but I do think she mistook something, and I believe that I'm being true by saying I never asked for a relationship from her, but to see where a blossom was headed. The playfulness of the situation was new, fresh and witty to me. Sure, it made me feel things I hadn't felt in years for someone, but that led to excitement of all possibilties.

If I tried to put myself in her shoes, a single mom of two, who had been hurt not just emotionally, but physically, than I am 100% different than those that came before me, so psychologically, am something completely different than what she is used to or understands. (Hm, why do I tend to choose the broken projects? Maybe I'll come back to this in a minute or another post) I get the fear from her, but not the lying veil to create space.

Maybe I am part of the problem, too. My emotions here did not create a lash out, but a need for understanding and a desire for the truth. I have a strong personality. I know this, but I pretty much give everything to those I care about (at least in my mind) and give my opinion ALL the time (for better or worse ). It is who I am, and is definitely an underlying theme of this blog, if you hadn't noticed. Maybe she felt I was asking too much of her, or more than she is willing to open up, even though to me, that isn't an issue because I am an open book. I really do believe that being honest is key, and here there was already someone doing their damndest to NOT be honest.

The topic of this entry was whether I should be hurt or mad at her for this situation. If she really looked someone else in the eye and saw love at first (re)sight, I guess that's one thing. And even then, just TELL ME. I am a goddamned man, and I handle the truth better than most because I demand it. She fell into the normal trappings of wanting to ease her pain, and I think she expected me to get mad at her for it, and all I did was say, I wish you have just told me. At thhat moment, I don't think I was mad, but now, I am not so sure.

I'm bummed, that much is for certain, because, with my heart on my sleeve, it got sneezed on, the nose wiped and then thrown away, rather than embraced, or at least continued on with its innocence.

I have been told it's her loss by male and female friends alike, and while the sentiment is nice, they give me too much credit. I am a good guy, yes, but not without fault. Do I deserve someone nice, loving, and caring that "gets" me, sure, I think everyone does, unless they are a fucking prick, to which I don't feel they deserve the ground where they stand.

Alas, I am preparing to board a plane, knowing that while I am hurt, I have to bury that to send my bachelor friend off to marital bliss, and knowing that two other close friends also cemented their relationship foundation with an engagement this week. Good for all of them, I am happy, proud, and glad to be a part of the rides. This trip couldn't come at a better time bit I'm hoping I can be the ME I am rather than the me I am right this moment.

I guess I will continue to ponder whether I should be mad or not. I still haven't figured out whyI actually car about it this much...

511: Decisions made for you...move on or wallow in selfpity

Don't you love when you don't have to make the decision and it makes sense...like on a date, one person determines the type of food they will eat, or when you go to the movies, bowling, or even at work, someone makes the decision for you. It can work out great...

Or it can make you feel like shit.

Case in point. Last night, I was blown off by the girl I had been communicating with, feeling out the dating process, etc. Now, it wasn't your typical blow off. She still allowed me to sit next to her with a group of people, but something was wrong, and very standoff-ish. Someone with a substandard intellect could have seen that the same cuteness was gone. You know, along with the text messaging, whatever. So I finally asked, "you mad at me?" "No," was the reply. My retort, "Well, if you want me to leave, I will..." "Nah, you're cool to chill with." .......REALLY?

I'm not an idiot. I'm not exactly a rarebreed genius, but communications ARE my strong suit, as it allows me to excel in my chosen field. This is far from the feeling out the dating process line.

So, the night continues, and as her defenses subside with alcohol. new ones present themselves. Some in the form of other people, some in the form of moving from one table to another where she isn't sitting directly next to me.

Tino finished playing his set, and as everyone left, it was time for confrontation. I looked right at her, and she said that when she flew up to Maine to bury her friend, she rekindled something with someone that started like 6 years ago, and that she didn't feel anything like that for me.

The decision was made before anything could begin. I was told by a girl that less than two weeks ago was slipping up in her words like a highschool girl with her first crush, that there was nothing. Best part, she wouldn't look me in the eye. First rule of denial. She tells me she's sorry, and I ask why? "Because I like you as a friend, and I didn't want to hurt you." This time I get the eye contact. Her words are true there, after something she wasn't fully honest about. I turn to her and ask, "Well, if there wasn't anything there, how could I be hurt?"

I told her I was happy for her if she had found happiness, and she stated something along the lines that I helped her get there, as well as the untimeliness of her travels. I am not sure how a blooming SOMETHING with a person led you to full-blown romance with someone else, and I'd not care to find out.

At this point, her eye contact was more previlent, as if she were trying to make sure I was okay, while reassuring me that it wasn't me, and that it was her. Yes, I went there with this. Her speech was filled with a thick Maine accent, that really felt like it was more remembered than true.

Throughout the night, I found her minorly insulting different things I enjoyed, digging to push away, and now I knew why...a long distance relationship. Humorous as it may be, I held it together, not really one for emotion in these types of situations. I DID, however, laugh at her when she told me she didn't feel anything for me, and she asked, "why are you laughing?" Why not. While maybe not a bold faced lie, it wasn't the truth, and anyone that had seen us together, hanging out, knew that was the case. I'm not sure what made it feel right, but it did...

So anyway, I gave her a hug, and now, at 3:15am, she looked at me, tilting her head, I explained to her it's all in the eyes, and she didn't understand. I explained that my latest drawing of eyes were hers, and they said something different than the words coming from her lips. She let out a "hmph" and a sigh, to which I asked her to explain the sound, and she let me know that it would take another hour to explain, and then deflected by stating she had to be home to pick up her kids in a few short hours.

I told her fine, and she reiterated being sorry, and asked if we could be friends. I told her I liked her again, and said I wasn't sure about the friend thing. I told her it should be possible, if there really wasn't anything there, but who knows.

I can say, I'm glad I get to go to NY and get my head out of anything close to this for a week. My facebook status update explained my feelings in pure words:

Life's too short, I'm too old, looks like its back to the drawing board. I'll go ahead and sound conceited and say it isn't my loss, but the two weeks of nice change that I gained. Too bad the exploration ends on the surface, instead of really getting on the inside. Here's to tomorrow, friends.

Part of that statement, I'd be saying, looking you in the eye...the other part, I'd turn my attention away, because it isn't all true. But I have to start believing it, just as she has to start believing it was nothing.

510: Conclusions made...

So I'm reading this book that my day-job boss gave me, called Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and it is out there to really get you into the understanding that while being a genius can help you with the realization of potential, it's those that figure out how to apply that to everyday thinking that creates success. It is an interesting source material and I wonder how I should apply it to my everyday thinking. Obviously, I just started reading the thing, so I assume that I still need to read the whole thing to grasp it, and not even in its entirety.

Some conclusions about what's going on with me have been made. Some BY me, some apparently for me without equivocation. We all saw that I started writing about someone and began enjoying FEELING something again. Well, it all stopped, suddenly, and without my knowledge, it seems. This seemed to be going well, and she had a tragedy strike. Pardon me if I've written this much into the blog to date, but since then, we had two times that we were chatting and now, a full seven days later, there is NO COMMUNICATION back towards me from her.

I understand that people grieve differently, and I've apologized for telling her how I would have tried to handle the tragedy now, after having lived through a couple from people that were close to me...I understand that this was something I shouldn't have done without first being asked for said opinion, and that's why I apologized. I knew that while what I was saying may not have been wrong, it was not my place to say what I would do, something in my work field and typically in my life field, I have to do on the regular...so I apologized, and still, nothing. I tend to believe this means one of two things...

1) Leave her alone so she can continue to grieve on her own time and at some point, if there was anything, it will begin again if I haven't moved towards something else...

2) She decided that she wants nothing to do with a 33 yr old male who likes her and is worried about her after the tragedy and she wants to get through it with just those closest to her, since things were just starting between us.

I don't know which one is the answer, but I know my rebuttal...I'm going to continue to live my life. If she shows up and I'm somewhere, I'll deal with it...handle it...or do what I always do, and not make a scene and just be me and go on like nothing happened. Who knows, I really don't know what I'd do, except that I'm going to continue to do the things I do, because I shouldn't put my life aside while I wait for someone to figure out that I'm an awesome person to be around and wants to know what's going on with them...

Yes, that was the arrogance coming out that everyone knows I exude. Call it my charm, call it my humor...but make sure, you call it me. And I'm not going to stop being the guy I am now because I actually like me.

Success in everything...and nothing...all at the same time.

509: More thoughts bummin me...

So I think what may have been starting with someone is over. My own fault, really, trying to be something to someone when we weren't at that level. I screwed it up, but in a way that it shouldn't be "done" but apparently it is. I'm getting no feedback, and I'm really hacked in it.

Anyway, I downloaded the droid app to start posting, so you may start seeing more but shorter posts...who knows, maybe not, too :).

508: To give up or not...?

So, that girl I kinda dug...well, I must have pissed her off, because suddenly, I'm getting no responses from her while she's dealing with a personal tragedy. I said something she didn't like, and while I tried to make her understand what I meant by what I said, I don't think she followed, and well, I guess I don't know her well enough to try to be a friend in this situation.

I don't know what to do here...but this type of thing urges me to want to try and fix the issue, but everyone is different here and if she is still grieving, she's got to have time for that...I know this, and I'm being unselfish, but I need to know if I should keep trying, or if I should just let it blow over, and start over, someone new...yada yada.

She needs her time and space, obviously, but I'm also wondering if this is going to be where she'll still show up at the same place as me one night and we'll just see where that goes...

I dunno. I'm freaking out over this, and I suddenly seem depressed, when I'm really not.

I dunno...I just keep wrapping my head around this really big zit...I just wish it would pop one way or the other...

507: 100% or nothing

I run everything in my life pretty much the same way. I give it everything, or I just don't do it. Work, relationships, hobbies...you name it, I bust my hump for it. Sometimes, it puts people off because they don't understand the headfirst slide into home...me...it's just how I roll.

The people that love me for it are wonderful...but I don't think everyone "gets it." So, due to that, the relationships I build tend to be for life, the ones that break tend to be forever and the ones that come back is typically because they learned a valuable lesson.

I'd walk on fire coals for people that I know care about me...why? It's engrained into me. It's how I feel. It's how I live.

506: not even an "oopsy"

I've made mistakes. I'm normally TOO man enough to accept them...but recently, I can't help but feel I've made some recent ones I can't take back...just me stating that, here, is more than enough to make others think that as a person...I'm growing...yet, for when it matters most, I think I've already made some of the mistakes that prevent me from moving forward.

How? ...I just opened my big mouth.

Why? I don't know...my mouth just opens sometimes.

Do I deserve forgiveness? Maybe.

Do I want it? Uncontrollably...yes. I don't know know, but I want to be forgiven and moved forward, rather than stepping back...sad but true.

Who knows where this is headed? We'll see shortly, I'm sure...?

Too bad, I had just started enjoying the situation outside of my norm.

505: How I roll...

So I'm feeling all out of sorts, and I'm not sure why. Butterflies in the stomach are NOT something I'm known for but yesterday, I had a terrible day at work, and it wasn't because anyone said or did something, it just was. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, except I did more work than I usually do, school kids are out right now, which means heavier business flow than usual, and no help to get more done. I even did a drawing yesterday of Batman, where I went for a Frank Miller meets Neal Adams piece. I used Gerard Butler as the face, and yes, I can tell the proportion looks funny, but that's kinda out the reference looked. Also, I know the right side of the mask seems off, but here it is anyway...and since I always use ink for the works, there's no real correction available without caking on the whiteout.

Today, I want to be a better day than yesterday, but I'm still outta whack. Not sure why, but I'm blaming short-timer syndrome, more work than usual and not feeling special, lol.

Yes, I noticed when I brought the blog back for it's latest go round that I've started using TXT speak, and oh well, it isn't like anyone's reading the damned thing, anyway, and if they are, I can't understand why...Sappy guy talks comics and being really bad at relationships...sounds like a winner to me...?

Gotta get my head in the game, probably need to punch a wall til my hand bleeds...that normally gets the adrenaline going...even if it makes it so I want to kill someone even more...just talk, there folks, I have no tendency for that, just a temper :).

504: Preparing for work, and just more mindlessness

I am a week from a vacation, something I haven't done in a year, and I finally feel like I'm burning on both ends of the candle with work. I got my review, I wasn't exactly satisfied with the score, but I'm cool with the end result. My rent is about to go up, and I have to ask, why is it that apartments are the only real company that can offer a brand new person a discount, but not the people that are comfortable and are willing to stay? I mean, even cell phone companies offer customers the same deal as new customers if they stay satisfied long enough. What gives?! So, it looks like my rent will be going up about $50 per month for the year...sheesh. I want to start writing a book again. I've had some ideas, even pressed the old publisher to see if anything would be to my liking, but alas, he wasn't sold on my reboot of a classic idea, and while he said he'd resubmit LANDIS to his agents, without any controlling interest, he isn't nearly as excited to do so, and who can blame him? Gears of War 3's beta is up and active, and I tried it out, and even posted my initial thoughts on Facebook about it, in a quick snippet, it's good...dern good. But the people on there are already getting themselves up to level 15, and I'm a lowly level one. I did my my curbstomps in, though, so it wasn't all bad. I just wish I personally had more time to do more with it, than an hour here and an hour there kinda stuff. At least I played it before the Bulletstorm buyers, and next week, it'll get real flooded with the GameStop preorder customers joining the fray. Think I need to find an alternative source of income. I'm finding that until I get either my car or my debt paid off, I still have a problem living on the income I bring in personally. I don't think this will be an issue at all after next July, when my car gets paid off, but damn it'd be nice to get rid of a $300 payment for something I can't even take advantage of now. Add in the almost $200 in insurance a month and 25% of my income is gone from something I can't even use... sheesh. Oh well, is what it is, I guess. Just gotta be more responsible with the little bit of cash I have, but with this being me, I am not sure that's a possibility :). With that all said...I'm out for now.

503rd Blog: Day of movies, typing and not much else

So I weeped my eyes out earlier to nobody reading, haha, and now I still have this itch to write more that no one else will read, unless they do a search for Rob Potchak, and then they might actually stumble into it, but if they are doing a search for me, I guess it's okay, and I probably WANT them to know more about me, lol. So I watched this movie earlier called "This Girl's Life" and it was about an internet pornstar who's contract is up, she's got another one on the table, as well as she's trying to understand why 99% of guys if given the offer to cheat with a hottie will accept, while 99% of women in the same position will tell the men to fuck off, so she starts a "Would you cheat" business. The movie was interesting, filled with nudity from her "profession," but the interesting part was really the role James Woods played in the film. The lead actress was Juliette Marquis, who I guess I could look up on IMDB if I wanted to see more, because she was simply stunning, which is why she pulled the role so well. James Woods actually plays her ill father, who has horrible Parkinsons, and he plays the part fabulously. Rosario Dawson also plays a small role, as does Michael Rappaport. Woods stole the movie with his representation of a failing man just remarkable. The rest of the movie was questionable, but what are you going to do on a Sunday when you don't want to do real work? I also finally watched the final episode of 24 ever, and have to say, I was a little disappointed. I didn't even watch like the last 6-8 episodes, and I really didn't feel like I missed much, which is sad that the show was that predictable. I remember a Playboy interview with Sutherland stating that he could see the show continuing without him (this was during Season 3), if they had the right actor to take his spot, similar to the LAW AND ORDER series. Obviously, Fox thought differently. Finally, I decided to watch FROM PARIS WITH LOVE from Luc Besson, more recognized for Leon: The Professional and La Femme Nikita, and more recently, Taken. Travolta is pretty insane in it which is funny, and Jonathan Rhies Myers is hysterical trying to not have a Brit accent. Definitely not the pace that you normally see from Besson, but its pretty good so far. Pretty humorous that they are supposed to be Agents, and Myers is running around with a vase. Alrigh, I'm thinking about that first movie again. It does interest me what they spoke about, the 99er, as they called it. I don't think I'd be one of the guys, but we all want to say that. If this woman were to have asked me, then even though part of me would be asking to see her last test to make sure she was clean, I know it would not be easy to pass. I'm a man, I have urges, and I do believe that it's hard for me, as a man, to always believe I can be the better man. An average woman when I've got a good thing going? That's a different story, similar to throwing away the phone number. I know that if I'm putting the effort into something, that its kinda what I want... sure, that may be a "right now" situation, but I tend to know what I'm going for. alright...here's sappy coming out again...I really miss what its like having someone wanting you around...arms around you, warmth of the skin, all that. Yup, there, I said it. I am lonely. didn't think I was until I remembered what it was like to have someone tell me they like me...anyway, ... hm. Maybe I'll continue this later.

My 502nd Blog...Yowsa. Confessions of a guy who doesn't understand dating.

I think about a lot of things WAY TO MUCH. In fact, part of the reason to have a blog is the ability to spill your guts about something that you probably don't want to talk to everyone about, and sometimes it's just downright private...however, able to be found on the internet, apparently, lol. I'm a very OPEN person when it comes to what's going on in my head, but that doesn't stop the fact that sometimes, you should get it out, leave it out, so you don't continue to think about it and drive you crazy. When I get something or someone in my head, I try to make it or them everything I'm about. That's why when I'm writing a project and I have a deadline, I get the work done, normally it's well done and then boom, next project, rinse, cycle, repeat...The opposite can be said for when I'm doing work myelf without a deadline, and for one reason or another, I'm full steam ahead until I think, "Hmm...this isn't DUE today, so I'm going to let my mind wander." Truly, I do not let my mind wander, but I can't stay focused on the task because I just have other things going on, and when deadline nor pay are there...it waits. I have personally kept myself from trying to get to know all but one person for the last two years, and that person has a shut off personality, so getting to know her and wanting to know her are two different things. I think this is why I'm drawn to wanting to know her, because she looks like someone that needs it, but has enough selfworth that she doesn't NEED someone else, or so it seems. What's funny is I still feel that with her, I've developed a pretty good friendship, have learned a bit about her, though it is definitely in a "Single Serving Friend" kind of way. What's sad, is that while I'd be willing to drop whatever to be with this girl, I know that's probably never going to be an option, so I've made sure to start looking down other avenues. I have some issues in my life. I am seen as someone who's got his head on straight, is passion and profession driven and self-motivated. These are mostly true, and when people meet me, feel me out, or pursue me, this is what they get at the beginning. This is what you want people to see, as well, but like with selling used cars, you sell them on the good, and then the bad and the ugly come with the first inspection update. Haha. Where am I going with this blog? Oh, who the hell knows, but I'm going to continue. I like this girl. Suddenly, I think I really like this girl because I'm talking about her more than I normally talk about anyone not named Rob Potchak... I enjoy her company, wonder how we get along since on the base, we don't seem to have a lot of similar interests outside of karaoke night, beer and football, oh, and the same bars... She is a mom, works constantly, etc, however, I think this is the stuff I didn't gauge, initially. As a parent, she needs to not only protect herself, but also protect the children from any situation that could turn into an ugly situation, and having never dealt with that type of situation, I may be clamoring for more attention than a single mother who has defenses built up is ready to give. As I think more outside the box here than I am used to, this also makes me rationalize other things. I can argue that by keeping me at bay may lead me to a different path, and have us try to maintain a friendship, that would be on me at this point, and not her. Wow, I think I just grew up a little with that statement. I posted on facebook that I was thinking about her while I was more than a little drunk... good, but not good. I didn't say anything stupid or whatever, but I'm not sappy, so I must maintain my arrogance and confidence, and not look like a silly awestruck guy. I also posted that with the level of social networking out and about, who knows what the rules of dating / comunication should be at this point? I don't know if she paid attention to these little things, but others saw them. The other night, I guess I got some of the information that one needs to hear, as a co-worker of hers came up, started to hit on me and gave me her phone number and when I asked her (the one I like) what I should do with it, she stated, "Burn it." She smiled, but the intent was clear, even though rules have not been established, she wanted it known that she wanted my attention, so I gave it to her that night. However, since that night, we've probably chat for a couple text msg and a little bit of time on Facebook, but nothing else. Yesterday, tornadoes were knocking down houses in the area, so I texted her to make sure she was safe while going to and from work, but with Verizon telling me for about an hour "Txt not sent" I kept trying to resend, probably leading to her getting the same msg from me about 10 times...of course, making me look a little obsessive. This time, however, it wasn't even my fault. So right now, I'm cooling it for a day or two on this, just so I can see what's up from the other side of the fence. Of course the normal night we hang out may be out of the question, since I have an inventory on Weds, the night I normally hang out with her.

#501 - rambles...

12:45am, still not sleeping. Thinking of what to do with my life, walking down a pathway, alone, but not lonely. Things have started changing, seemingly for the better, but a little scary as well. I feel like a 9th grader, with this new affection. Is it an obsession, is it me making it out to more than it really is? As I try to sit back and enjoy the ride, my mind takes over and tries to steer one way or another. I think sometimes people scare off because of how much you try to be around them. Others embrace the feeling of not being alone. Me? I do both. Sometimes I can just accept it, other times I like it so much I don't want to stop having it around. It seems like she may've had some hurt in her heart before, building up a wall and not wanting others to come in, like the third little pig, making it out of brick, unlike the fake walls of the other two. Its good, though, around her I just am me, not trying to impress, not overtly spending money I don't have, just me enjoying someone's company and acting goofy like I tend to do when I'm in a comfortable place. Interesting that I say comfortable when neither of us has stepped foot in the other's real lives, just the nighttime ones. The ones where they may be dreams, may be reality, and you just can't pick apart the real from the fairy tale. Why does she interest me? Maybe because she's interested IN me.

500th post on here! Here comes 2011!

So I've decided that 2011 will be a return year for me. A lot of people would agree that my art has taken huge strides this year (rpotchak.deviantart.com), but being the Renaissance Man that I am, I'm ready to jump on some writing projects too. With that said, I'll give some insight about what I'm in discussions to work on...

1) HOME GAME: This is going to be a written and drawn comic strip from me about a weekly poker game and the banter that ensues between the players. This will play on everything from current events, movies, video games, comic books, tv shows, etc. I've already contacted a well known online comic publisher for distribution on this, and depending on where you are reading this blog, that may tip you off...

2) I've discussed a Re-Imagining of a series I wrote a long time ago that actually DID see print. We'd be looking at this as a digital graphic novel on sites like Wowio, Comixology, etc.

3) DEAD EAST: This is an old western idea that plays off my love of those movies. Add in some teenage angst and my love of Road to Perdition, and you have an idea of this project I'm fleshing out.

4) I also really like the idea of a Zombie/Undead Monster vs. the Old West, ala Undead Nightmare. I'm really trying to flesh this out, because I think I'll be able to utilize some REAL characters and change up history enough to really screw this all up. I'm getting psyched up with this story idea because I really have some awesome feelings about this and ideas that are just going crazy...no name on it, yet, but the ones I've thought of are pretty good takes on where I'd want to take this.

5) I'll still be adding more artwork, but this year, I want to do more writing, but every project I do I think I'll get to draw variant covers for, because I really want my art getting out there, too...

There is always the chance that one of my old projects could get restarted, as well, but right now I'm interested in where my imagination takes me with new stuff...

Happy New Year everyone...stay tuned for more info!
-Potsy