511: Decisions made for you...move on or wallow in selfpity

Don't you love when you don't have to make the decision and it makes sense...like on a date, one person determines the type of food they will eat, or when you go to the movies, bowling, or even at work, someone makes the decision for you. It can work out great...

Or it can make you feel like shit.

Case in point. Last night, I was blown off by the girl I had been communicating with, feeling out the dating process, etc. Now, it wasn't your typical blow off. She still allowed me to sit next to her with a group of people, but something was wrong, and very standoff-ish. Someone with a substandard intellect could have seen that the same cuteness was gone. You know, along with the text messaging, whatever. So I finally asked, "you mad at me?" "No," was the reply. My retort, "Well, if you want me to leave, I will..." "Nah, you're cool to chill with." .......REALLY?

I'm not an idiot. I'm not exactly a rarebreed genius, but communications ARE my strong suit, as it allows me to excel in my chosen field. This is far from the feeling out the dating process line.

So, the night continues, and as her defenses subside with alcohol. new ones present themselves. Some in the form of other people, some in the form of moving from one table to another where she isn't sitting directly next to me.

Tino finished playing his set, and as everyone left, it was time for confrontation. I looked right at her, and she said that when she flew up to Maine to bury her friend, she rekindled something with someone that started like 6 years ago, and that she didn't feel anything like that for me.

The decision was made before anything could begin. I was told by a girl that less than two weeks ago was slipping up in her words like a highschool girl with her first crush, that there was nothing. Best part, she wouldn't look me in the eye. First rule of denial. She tells me she's sorry, and I ask why? "Because I like you as a friend, and I didn't want to hurt you." This time I get the eye contact. Her words are true there, after something she wasn't fully honest about. I turn to her and ask, "Well, if there wasn't anything there, how could I be hurt?"

I told her I was happy for her if she had found happiness, and she stated something along the lines that I helped her get there, as well as the untimeliness of her travels. I am not sure how a blooming SOMETHING with a person led you to full-blown romance with someone else, and I'd not care to find out.

At this point, her eye contact was more previlent, as if she were trying to make sure I was okay, while reassuring me that it wasn't me, and that it was her. Yes, I went there with this. Her speech was filled with a thick Maine accent, that really felt like it was more remembered than true.

Throughout the night, I found her minorly insulting different things I enjoyed, digging to push away, and now I knew why...a long distance relationship. Humorous as it may be, I held it together, not really one for emotion in these types of situations. I DID, however, laugh at her when she told me she didn't feel anything for me, and she asked, "why are you laughing?" Why not. While maybe not a bold faced lie, it wasn't the truth, and anyone that had seen us together, hanging out, knew that was the case. I'm not sure what made it feel right, but it did...

So anyway, I gave her a hug, and now, at 3:15am, she looked at me, tilting her head, I explained to her it's all in the eyes, and she didn't understand. I explained that my latest drawing of eyes were hers, and they said something different than the words coming from her lips. She let out a "hmph" and a sigh, to which I asked her to explain the sound, and she let me know that it would take another hour to explain, and then deflected by stating she had to be home to pick up her kids in a few short hours.

I told her fine, and she reiterated being sorry, and asked if we could be friends. I told her I liked her again, and said I wasn't sure about the friend thing. I told her it should be possible, if there really wasn't anything there, but who knows.

I can say, I'm glad I get to go to NY and get my head out of anything close to this for a week. My facebook status update explained my feelings in pure words:

Life's too short, I'm too old, looks like its back to the drawing board. I'll go ahead and sound conceited and say it isn't my loss, but the two weeks of nice change that I gained. Too bad the exploration ends on the surface, instead of really getting on the inside. Here's to tomorrow, friends.

Part of that statement, I'd be saying, looking you in the eye...the other part, I'd turn my attention away, because it isn't all true. But I have to start believing it, just as she has to start believing it was nothing.

510: Conclusions made...

So I'm reading this book that my day-job boss gave me, called Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and it is out there to really get you into the understanding that while being a genius can help you with the realization of potential, it's those that figure out how to apply that to everyday thinking that creates success. It is an interesting source material and I wonder how I should apply it to my everyday thinking. Obviously, I just started reading the thing, so I assume that I still need to read the whole thing to grasp it, and not even in its entirety.

Some conclusions about what's going on with me have been made. Some BY me, some apparently for me without equivocation. We all saw that I started writing about someone and began enjoying FEELING something again. Well, it all stopped, suddenly, and without my knowledge, it seems. This seemed to be going well, and she had a tragedy strike. Pardon me if I've written this much into the blog to date, but since then, we had two times that we were chatting and now, a full seven days later, there is NO COMMUNICATION back towards me from her.

I understand that people grieve differently, and I've apologized for telling her how I would have tried to handle the tragedy now, after having lived through a couple from people that were close to me...I understand that this was something I shouldn't have done without first being asked for said opinion, and that's why I apologized. I knew that while what I was saying may not have been wrong, it was not my place to say what I would do, something in my work field and typically in my life field, I have to do on the regular...so I apologized, and still, nothing. I tend to believe this means one of two things...

1) Leave her alone so she can continue to grieve on her own time and at some point, if there was anything, it will begin again if I haven't moved towards something else...

2) She decided that she wants nothing to do with a 33 yr old male who likes her and is worried about her after the tragedy and she wants to get through it with just those closest to her, since things were just starting between us.

I don't know which one is the answer, but I know my rebuttal...I'm going to continue to live my life. If she shows up and I'm somewhere, I'll deal with it...handle it...or do what I always do, and not make a scene and just be me and go on like nothing happened. Who knows, I really don't know what I'd do, except that I'm going to continue to do the things I do, because I shouldn't put my life aside while I wait for someone to figure out that I'm an awesome person to be around and wants to know what's going on with them...

Yes, that was the arrogance coming out that everyone knows I exude. Call it my charm, call it my humor...but make sure, you call it me. And I'm not going to stop being the guy I am now because I actually like me.

Success in everything...and nothing...all at the same time.

509: More thoughts bummin me...

So I think what may have been starting with someone is over. My own fault, really, trying to be something to someone when we weren't at that level. I screwed it up, but in a way that it shouldn't be "done" but apparently it is. I'm getting no feedback, and I'm really hacked in it.

Anyway, I downloaded the droid app to start posting, so you may start seeing more but shorter posts...who knows, maybe not, too :).

508: To give up or not...?

So, that girl I kinda dug...well, I must have pissed her off, because suddenly, I'm getting no responses from her while she's dealing with a personal tragedy. I said something she didn't like, and while I tried to make her understand what I meant by what I said, I don't think she followed, and well, I guess I don't know her well enough to try to be a friend in this situation.

I don't know what to do here...but this type of thing urges me to want to try and fix the issue, but everyone is different here and if she is still grieving, she's got to have time for that...I know this, and I'm being unselfish, but I need to know if I should keep trying, or if I should just let it blow over, and start over, someone new...yada yada.

She needs her time and space, obviously, but I'm also wondering if this is going to be where she'll still show up at the same place as me one night and we'll just see where that goes...

I dunno. I'm freaking out over this, and I suddenly seem depressed, when I'm really not.

I dunno...I just keep wrapping my head around this really big zit...I just wish it would pop one way or the other...

507: 100% or nothing

I run everything in my life pretty much the same way. I give it everything, or I just don't do it. Work, relationships, hobbies...you name it, I bust my hump for it. Sometimes, it puts people off because they don't understand the headfirst slide into home...me...it's just how I roll.

The people that love me for it are wonderful...but I don't think everyone "gets it." So, due to that, the relationships I build tend to be for life, the ones that break tend to be forever and the ones that come back is typically because they learned a valuable lesson.

I'd walk on fire coals for people that I know care about me...why? It's engrained into me. It's how I feel. It's how I live.

506: not even an "oopsy"

I've made mistakes. I'm normally TOO man enough to accept them...but recently, I can't help but feel I've made some recent ones I can't take back...just me stating that, here, is more than enough to make others think that as a person...I'm growing...yet, for when it matters most, I think I've already made some of the mistakes that prevent me from moving forward.

How? ...I just opened my big mouth.

Why? I don't know...my mouth just opens sometimes.

Do I deserve forgiveness? Maybe.

Do I want it? Uncontrollably...yes. I don't know know, but I want to be forgiven and moved forward, rather than stepping back...sad but true.

Who knows where this is headed? We'll see shortly, I'm sure...?

Too bad, I had just started enjoying the situation outside of my norm.

505: How I roll...

So I'm feeling all out of sorts, and I'm not sure why. Butterflies in the stomach are NOT something I'm known for but yesterday, I had a terrible day at work, and it wasn't because anyone said or did something, it just was. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, except I did more work than I usually do, school kids are out right now, which means heavier business flow than usual, and no help to get more done. I even did a drawing yesterday of Batman, where I went for a Frank Miller meets Neal Adams piece. I used Gerard Butler as the face, and yes, I can tell the proportion looks funny, but that's kinda out the reference looked. Also, I know the right side of the mask seems off, but here it is anyway...and since I always use ink for the works, there's no real correction available without caking on the whiteout.

Today, I want to be a better day than yesterday, but I'm still outta whack. Not sure why, but I'm blaming short-timer syndrome, more work than usual and not feeling special, lol.

Yes, I noticed when I brought the blog back for it's latest go round that I've started using TXT speak, and oh well, it isn't like anyone's reading the damned thing, anyway, and if they are, I can't understand why...Sappy guy talks comics and being really bad at relationships...sounds like a winner to me...?

Gotta get my head in the game, probably need to punch a wall til my hand bleeds...that normally gets the adrenaline going...even if it makes it so I want to kill someone even more...just talk, there folks, I have no tendency for that, just a temper :).

504: Preparing for work, and just more mindlessness

I am a week from a vacation, something I haven't done in a year, and I finally feel like I'm burning on both ends of the candle with work. I got my review, I wasn't exactly satisfied with the score, but I'm cool with the end result. My rent is about to go up, and I have to ask, why is it that apartments are the only real company that can offer a brand new person a discount, but not the people that are comfortable and are willing to stay? I mean, even cell phone companies offer customers the same deal as new customers if they stay satisfied long enough. What gives?! So, it looks like my rent will be going up about $50 per month for the year...sheesh. I want to start writing a book again. I've had some ideas, even pressed the old publisher to see if anything would be to my liking, but alas, he wasn't sold on my reboot of a classic idea, and while he said he'd resubmit LANDIS to his agents, without any controlling interest, he isn't nearly as excited to do so, and who can blame him? Gears of War 3's beta is up and active, and I tried it out, and even posted my initial thoughts on Facebook about it, in a quick snippet, it's good...dern good. But the people on there are already getting themselves up to level 15, and I'm a lowly level one. I did my my curbstomps in, though, so it wasn't all bad. I just wish I personally had more time to do more with it, than an hour here and an hour there kinda stuff. At least I played it before the Bulletstorm buyers, and next week, it'll get real flooded with the GameStop preorder customers joining the fray. Think I need to find an alternative source of income. I'm finding that until I get either my car or my debt paid off, I still have a problem living on the income I bring in personally. I don't think this will be an issue at all after next July, when my car gets paid off, but damn it'd be nice to get rid of a $300 payment for something I can't even take advantage of now. Add in the almost $200 in insurance a month and 25% of my income is gone from something I can't even use... sheesh. Oh well, is what it is, I guess. Just gotta be more responsible with the little bit of cash I have, but with this being me, I am not sure that's a possibility :). With that all said...I'm out for now.

503rd Blog: Day of movies, typing and not much else

So I weeped my eyes out earlier to nobody reading, haha, and now I still have this itch to write more that no one else will read, unless they do a search for Rob Potchak, and then they might actually stumble into it, but if they are doing a search for me, I guess it's okay, and I probably WANT them to know more about me, lol. So I watched this movie earlier called "This Girl's Life" and it was about an internet pornstar who's contract is up, she's got another one on the table, as well as she's trying to understand why 99% of guys if given the offer to cheat with a hottie will accept, while 99% of women in the same position will tell the men to fuck off, so she starts a "Would you cheat" business. The movie was interesting, filled with nudity from her "profession," but the interesting part was really the role James Woods played in the film. The lead actress was Juliette Marquis, who I guess I could look up on IMDB if I wanted to see more, because she was simply stunning, which is why she pulled the role so well. James Woods actually plays her ill father, who has horrible Parkinsons, and he plays the part fabulously. Rosario Dawson also plays a small role, as does Michael Rappaport. Woods stole the movie with his representation of a failing man just remarkable. The rest of the movie was questionable, but what are you going to do on a Sunday when you don't want to do real work? I also finally watched the final episode of 24 ever, and have to say, I was a little disappointed. I didn't even watch like the last 6-8 episodes, and I really didn't feel like I missed much, which is sad that the show was that predictable. I remember a Playboy interview with Sutherland stating that he could see the show continuing without him (this was during Season 3), if they had the right actor to take his spot, similar to the LAW AND ORDER series. Obviously, Fox thought differently. Finally, I decided to watch FROM PARIS WITH LOVE from Luc Besson, more recognized for Leon: The Professional and La Femme Nikita, and more recently, Taken. Travolta is pretty insane in it which is funny, and Jonathan Rhies Myers is hysterical trying to not have a Brit accent. Definitely not the pace that you normally see from Besson, but its pretty good so far. Pretty humorous that they are supposed to be Agents, and Myers is running around with a vase. Alrigh, I'm thinking about that first movie again. It does interest me what they spoke about, the 99er, as they called it. I don't think I'd be one of the guys, but we all want to say that. If this woman were to have asked me, then even though part of me would be asking to see her last test to make sure she was clean, I know it would not be easy to pass. I'm a man, I have urges, and I do believe that it's hard for me, as a man, to always believe I can be the better man. An average woman when I've got a good thing going? That's a different story, similar to throwing away the phone number. I know that if I'm putting the effort into something, that its kinda what I want... sure, that may be a "right now" situation, but I tend to know what I'm going for. alright...here's sappy coming out again...I really miss what its like having someone wanting you around...arms around you, warmth of the skin, all that. Yup, there, I said it. I am lonely. didn't think I was until I remembered what it was like to have someone tell me they like me...anyway, ... hm. Maybe I'll continue this later.

My 502nd Blog...Yowsa. Confessions of a guy who doesn't understand dating.

I think about a lot of things WAY TO MUCH. In fact, part of the reason to have a blog is the ability to spill your guts about something that you probably don't want to talk to everyone about, and sometimes it's just downright private...however, able to be found on the internet, apparently, lol. I'm a very OPEN person when it comes to what's going on in my head, but that doesn't stop the fact that sometimes, you should get it out, leave it out, so you don't continue to think about it and drive you crazy. When I get something or someone in my head, I try to make it or them everything I'm about. That's why when I'm writing a project and I have a deadline, I get the work done, normally it's well done and then boom, next project, rinse, cycle, repeat...The opposite can be said for when I'm doing work myelf without a deadline, and for one reason or another, I'm full steam ahead until I think, "Hmm...this isn't DUE today, so I'm going to let my mind wander." Truly, I do not let my mind wander, but I can't stay focused on the task because I just have other things going on, and when deadline nor pay are there...it waits. I have personally kept myself from trying to get to know all but one person for the last two years, and that person has a shut off personality, so getting to know her and wanting to know her are two different things. I think this is why I'm drawn to wanting to know her, because she looks like someone that needs it, but has enough selfworth that she doesn't NEED someone else, or so it seems. What's funny is I still feel that with her, I've developed a pretty good friendship, have learned a bit about her, though it is definitely in a "Single Serving Friend" kind of way. What's sad, is that while I'd be willing to drop whatever to be with this girl, I know that's probably never going to be an option, so I've made sure to start looking down other avenues. I have some issues in my life. I am seen as someone who's got his head on straight, is passion and profession driven and self-motivated. These are mostly true, and when people meet me, feel me out, or pursue me, this is what they get at the beginning. This is what you want people to see, as well, but like with selling used cars, you sell them on the good, and then the bad and the ugly come with the first inspection update. Haha. Where am I going with this blog? Oh, who the hell knows, but I'm going to continue. I like this girl. Suddenly, I think I really like this girl because I'm talking about her more than I normally talk about anyone not named Rob Potchak... I enjoy her company, wonder how we get along since on the base, we don't seem to have a lot of similar interests outside of karaoke night, beer and football, oh, and the same bars... She is a mom, works constantly, etc, however, I think this is the stuff I didn't gauge, initially. As a parent, she needs to not only protect herself, but also protect the children from any situation that could turn into an ugly situation, and having never dealt with that type of situation, I may be clamoring for more attention than a single mother who has defenses built up is ready to give. As I think more outside the box here than I am used to, this also makes me rationalize other things. I can argue that by keeping me at bay may lead me to a different path, and have us try to maintain a friendship, that would be on me at this point, and not her. Wow, I think I just grew up a little with that statement. I posted on facebook that I was thinking about her while I was more than a little drunk... good, but not good. I didn't say anything stupid or whatever, but I'm not sappy, so I must maintain my arrogance and confidence, and not look like a silly awestruck guy. I also posted that with the level of social networking out and about, who knows what the rules of dating / comunication should be at this point? I don't know if she paid attention to these little things, but others saw them. The other night, I guess I got some of the information that one needs to hear, as a co-worker of hers came up, started to hit on me and gave me her phone number and when I asked her (the one I like) what I should do with it, she stated, "Burn it." She smiled, but the intent was clear, even though rules have not been established, she wanted it known that she wanted my attention, so I gave it to her that night. However, since that night, we've probably chat for a couple text msg and a little bit of time on Facebook, but nothing else. Yesterday, tornadoes were knocking down houses in the area, so I texted her to make sure she was safe while going to and from work, but with Verizon telling me for about an hour "Txt not sent" I kept trying to resend, probably leading to her getting the same msg from me about 10 times...of course, making me look a little obsessive. This time, however, it wasn't even my fault. So right now, I'm cooling it for a day or two on this, just so I can see what's up from the other side of the fence. Of course the normal night we hang out may be out of the question, since I have an inventory on Weds, the night I normally hang out with her.

#501 - rambles...

12:45am, still not sleeping. Thinking of what to do with my life, walking down a pathway, alone, but not lonely. Things have started changing, seemingly for the better, but a little scary as well. I feel like a 9th grader, with this new affection. Is it an obsession, is it me making it out to more than it really is? As I try to sit back and enjoy the ride, my mind takes over and tries to steer one way or another. I think sometimes people scare off because of how much you try to be around them. Others embrace the feeling of not being alone. Me? I do both. Sometimes I can just accept it, other times I like it so much I don't want to stop having it around. It seems like she may've had some hurt in her heart before, building up a wall and not wanting others to come in, like the third little pig, making it out of brick, unlike the fake walls of the other two. Its good, though, around her I just am me, not trying to impress, not overtly spending money I don't have, just me enjoying someone's company and acting goofy like I tend to do when I'm in a comfortable place. Interesting that I say comfortable when neither of us has stepped foot in the other's real lives, just the nighttime ones. The ones where they may be dreams, may be reality, and you just can't pick apart the real from the fairy tale. Why does she interest me? Maybe because she's interested IN me.

500th post on here! Here comes 2011!

So I've decided that 2011 will be a return year for me. A lot of people would agree that my art has taken huge strides this year (rpotchak.deviantart.com), but being the Renaissance Man that I am, I'm ready to jump on some writing projects too. With that said, I'll give some insight about what I'm in discussions to work on...

1) HOME GAME: This is going to be a written and drawn comic strip from me about a weekly poker game and the banter that ensues between the players. This will play on everything from current events, movies, video games, comic books, tv shows, etc. I've already contacted a well known online comic publisher for distribution on this, and depending on where you are reading this blog, that may tip you off...

2) I've discussed a Re-Imagining of a series I wrote a long time ago that actually DID see print. We'd be looking at this as a digital graphic novel on sites like Wowio, Comixology, etc.

3) DEAD EAST: This is an old western idea that plays off my love of those movies. Add in some teenage angst and my love of Road to Perdition, and you have an idea of this project I'm fleshing out.

4) I also really like the idea of a Zombie/Undead Monster vs. the Old West, ala Undead Nightmare. I'm really trying to flesh this out, because I think I'll be able to utilize some REAL characters and change up history enough to really screw this all up. I'm getting psyched up with this story idea because I really have some awesome feelings about this and ideas that are just going crazy...no name on it, yet, but the ones I've thought of are pretty good takes on where I'd want to take this.

5) I'll still be adding more artwork, but this year, I want to do more writing, but every project I do I think I'll get to draw variant covers for, because I really want my art getting out there, too...

There is always the chance that one of my old projects could get restarted, as well, but right now I'm interested in where my imagination takes me with new stuff...

Happy New Year everyone...stay tuned for more info!
-Potsy

12-16-10 - Something New...

So I'm getting that bug up my ass again to do something creative, however, right now, the day job is sapping my creativity...talked to the old publisher, shot some ideas around about either graphic novel ideas or new webcomics...

I think Im going to do a webcomic, as I've stated a lot, but this time I already have a name and the idea behind it, and I am trying to figure out an easy way to replicate the artwork from episode to episode, so that the style remains consistent, but the story continues to flow.

The graphic novel ideas were and old reboot and another one that seemed interesting and played up with my interests in the old west...

If you haven't checked out my recent artwork on deviant art, please do, rpotchak.deviantart.com, and I have a facebook fan page for the artwork, since I haven't really written anything new in almost two years.

Again, getting itchy about it, so I think I'm going to have to test the old keyboard and see what I can come up with...

I don't know where to begin here...today, I'm feeling down. This blog was originally created to give people insight on the good that was occurring from my work, both professional and amateur. Recently, I know that it has becoming a very sporatic explaining of my downed feelings, and its looking like that isn't going to end anytime soon, because just when I feel like things are starting to look better for me, things happen that lead me to wonder if they really are, if I'm being played and if this life is really what I want it to be.

I was married, I had a career, yada yada...that was over two years ago, and now...now I'm a single guy that doesn't remember how to be someone that another wants. I don't know how to be anything except successful at work.

I'm upset with something. I just am unsure of what it really is.

The day I found something that I wanted to persue, the day I felt like I started getting played. Given the opportunity, I know and am confident I can turn the game in my favor, but right now I feel as though I'm being strung along just enough to grab some control and then leave me hanging, and I'm better than that.

I don't know where I'm going with this struggle, but I feel as though I'm dealing with a juvenile highschool game when my personality, my drive, my determination etc...

I don't even know where I'm going with this, other than...why am I such a sucker?

497 - 7-27-10

Alone, restless...

In a moment of despair, I do something I haven't done in a while. Nothing illegal, but something just as intrusive. I give up. I realize that part of my life is over. The feeling of invasion, now, ceases and I go back to my business.

I am just as sad as I have been for months, maybe years. Alone in a world that is full of people with someone. Getting older by the year, the month, the week, the day and the hour, I fall back into a pit that I thought I had crawled myself out of.

I still talk of it as if it were yesterday, and truth is, its less than three months from two years. What is the draw, why is it so hard? What's out there for ME?

I try to pull myself together and realize that I can't. I realize that I'm in this pit for an undefined time to come. As much as I think I can find happiness in myself and in someone else, I find myself still in this moment. The stand still that is moving at full speed. The hour that is truly weeks months and years.

Why do I trample the I have now, hoping for a glimpse of the past? Where did my happiness go? Where will I finally track it down?

496 - 6/29/2010 - Life as we know it...

It's 11am on a Tuesday, and I sit here contemplating where to go with things. You see, as open as I am, as awesome as I am to hang out with and converse with, I seem to have one mental block that prevents me from doing something...I can't ever seem to talk to a girl I like and let them know I like them.

I'm not afraid of much, but I am definitely against rejection. I wish I just had the same confidence I do in my professional life in my personal one. I think I'm a great person to be around, but I feel something prevents me from being able to say some of the things I want, because I'm afraid of the general: "I have a boyfriend," or "well, I dunno" or my favorite, "I'm just not into you..." I should be able to look at them and say, "that's too bad, because my type is better..." and just be the confident Rob I am in everything else I do.

I want to change that. I want them to be interested and me give them more reason. My tastes are peculiar, but genuine. I want someone that wants me back for me, not because they "should." I like the idea of a challenge, but it got me nowhere except 8 years older the last time.

My mind is strong, my heart tries, and my soul is yearning...how do I get them all to sync up and get me where I need to go?

I even drew a pic of the person I'm interested in right now...I'm posting it here just because I think I'm the only person reading this anymore, and it makes me feel a little better just getting it out there.

Rob

495 - 6-17-2010

I have no idea what I was writing about last night. I'm disappointed in my life right now because of the mistakes I've made that don't seem to be helping me move on, and in fact are helping me regress into a depressed state.

While I'm not in danger here, it does suck that I'm on probation which is basically like being told you are the scum of the earth, and my probation officer makes me feel that way. I had one in Durham that was okay, she seemed to understand that I was a first time troublemaker and that I wasn't the scum that she sees on a regular basis, but when my case got transferred back to Wake County, it seemed to go all differently, and now I feel like I have no control over something which isn't good for someone like me.

I expect some sort of respect for being a business professional that fucked up in his personal life, but I'm being treated like someone who was a drug traffiker.

Just ranting.

494 - 5/4/2010

Tonight I get home after realizing that once again, I'm still not over the one that I should be. How do I know? When I begin talking about wanting to be with someone, she comes up. That's enough to go on. I wish it wasn't, but it is. Every time my mom and I talk about me getting over the personal issues, she comes up and I sound like someone that can't get over the hump.

Truth is, I need something new to get my mind looking elsewhere. Honestly? After we were seperated for 18 months and she saw me, we got back together. That was then...the same would never happen again. She'll do the same damage to her next relationship as she did to ours, but the problem ther remains...how do I prevent the same problems that occurred with US...AND how do I get to the point where I want there to be an us with another person...?

I'm really broken up, to the point that I haven't really pursued, but I also don't think I've found ANY worth pursuing...am I wrong?

493 - 4/23/2010

I'm bored, tired, and sick. Probably a sinus infection that requires antibiotics, but I refuse to go to the doctor and try to get over it myself, since I don't want to go to the doctor, where I risk getting even more sick.

I've felt de-motivated recently. I used to write all the time. Here, comics, stories, whatever, and until recently, I felt I was pretty good at it. Now, its been almost a year since I wrote anything of substance, and I'm pretty upset at myself for that.

I haven't had any motivation, and I haven't had anyone that I want to read a masterpiece from me, I guess. I just don't feel like I have anything good cooking currently.

Oh well, maybe I ought to look at what I've written in the past, read it and see if it makes me want to make it better. I haven't even wanted to draw for the past couple days, which is awkward, but mainly because while I do really cool lightbox work, if I were to do freehand drawing recently, I feel like a no talent assclown.

I dunno. I'm pretty down on myself, and its probably just because I'm sick, but that's not really any excuse. I keep myself motivated at the job, so hopefully with my hobbies I can begin to do the same?

4/16/2010 - still low...

so it amazes me that everyone looks at me believing my life to be the epitome of excellence. I'm bored with a lot of things, but what worries me most is my unhappiness with the ME here.

I like what I do for a living, I like who I am around people that care about me, but overall...I'm unhappy. This family trip to Disney World made me realize it more than I had in two + years.

My ex, Christy and I split up in November, 2008, after she left my in October claiming I had created most of her problems in life. Well, now she's gotten her divorce, had her parents pay for everything and she's in the clear, living the same life she did 8 years ago, before I stepped into the picture, and what will undoubtedly end in her marrying another guy, only to have it end when she gets bored with him, too...to which her parents will probably blame themselves and the other guy for and not her...

Anyway, I'm upset...same as I was the other night, and while I know I could always have been better during our marriage, I realized that during my trip to Orlando, that I've always been the one that the blame gets placed on no matter what the situation...case in point...

My nephew Drew wet the bed this morning....I got blamed because they told me the temperature was too low...now one, I didn't play with the thermostat...two, my genes did not make this child and three, he was under ALL THE COVERS...if anything made the boy PEE it was the fact that the temperature was TOO WARM...he didn't have a way to cool off, so his body corrected this abstruction for the third night in a row.

I don't know what the real reason is, and I also do not care. I'm upset about this because I did NOTHING and yet got blamed.

My family has ALWAYS done this and I'm tired of it...people wonder why I don't spend a lot of time with my family if given the option and this is why...I'm apparently the black sheep that is the catalyst to everyone's problems, when ultimately...no one wants to help me with my own.

I really wish I had someone I could talk to about these things, because I'm tired of the face I put on and the truth that is never seen...but right now? They'd never believe the pain I'm really in, and they'd probably blame me for it anyway...

4-14-2010

I'm on a family vacation in Disney World and I'm depressed. I've been upset with life for a while, but no one seems to understand, offering their, "Well, you are better off" explanation...truth is, I am. BUT, that doesn't stop the fact that on a daily basis I see things going on, and realize that not being married anymore really puts a damper on those things.

I won't go into detail and I won't try to help others understand, but let me put it this way. I still love my ex-wife...but not her, just the wife part, the objectification of her...she could be anyone. I miss the person that was supposed to be there for me, for all reasons and purposes.

I recently realized that after she attempted to friend request me on facebook, it wasn't because she wanted to rub her new boyfriend in my face (though she would be), it was because she wanted to keep the friendship that we had...at the same time, she doesn't realize she destroyed that, along with my heart and for a while, my mind, along with it...I won't ever be friends with her again, and part of that pains me, but its because she destroyed everything I was to get what she wanted, and when I needed her at all, she bolted for the door...not the type of person you want for a friend.

She was supposed to think about what she wanted when she got home from her time in an institution, which at this point, she probably looks at as fiction...and she was supposed to look at how to fix US...she didn't, and fixated on wanting something else, and blamed me for everything.

I'm unhappy with this, because now, she thinks we are friends, and she's sorely mistaken. I am not friends with people who outright lie and manipulate me...and I'd never give the time of day to someone who cheats on it...

It is upsetting I think about this when I should be enjoying myself, but I am because I haven't found that lightning rod that grounds me...and until then, I remain upset...

(490) - 3/15/2010

Sorry I'm not creating new names for every time I write here. Hell, it had been a long time since I'd written anything on here, and now I'm writing much more frequently again.

I'm moving out of my place this weekend, and moving into my parents for a bit as I await approval on financing of the new place. I'm getting a little more excited because it will free me up a bit more to go out and do things, since I'll be much closer to the people I'm hanging out with on a more consistent basis.

Right now, Iam kind of glad I'm not in any kind of relationship, because this time of year seems to put strain on them. I'm not sure why, I always thought it was the change of the weather, but who knows. People just seem to go crazy, which causes real turmoil. I'm seeing a lot of people I know going through stuff that doesn't seem like a big deal to others, but for some reason, they obsess about it until its huge. Who knows...just right now, I'm glad I'm single.

After two really good weeks of poker games, I've had two really lousy ones, keeping myself in third place of our tournament standings, though I don't want to be in first place, as I'd play a bit more aggressive and lose my footing pretty quick, so I'm okay where I am, though I wouldn't mind being second place going into the finals, and it is within reach.

doing more art recently, and I ask that you check out rpotchak.deviantart.com, since I've put up some really great photo reference pieces of different tv shows and movie characters. I'm always taking suggestions, too.

Gonna cut this short, I really need to be productive before work today.

(489) 3/10/2010

Tonight, a buddy of mine said that he was lonely, and my statement back was that he should join the club, but if he needed someone to talk to, I'd listen. I now feel that my statement was harsh.

Loneliness is what you make of it. You can either embrace your time alone, or you can be really allow the depression to set in. The unfortunate thing, though I don't believe I'm depressed, I am lonely. I wish I had someone to help with that, someone I could call and have them be there for me, and help me through my pain, like I typically am willing to help others through theirs.

I have ten days left in the house I'm in now, then a couple (hopefully) weeks with my folks, and then I start really living a different life. I hope I continue to live a decent life, and not a lie, as I now know my marriage was for a long while.

It's sad when you know that you aren't ready to give yourself to someone because of the bitterness you hold onto about past discretions. What's worse is that you always want something to fill the gap, but the life you lead, you don't ever think you'll find someone that would help you do that.

I know this blog has gotten depressing if anyone is actually reading it...sometimes I don't know how I'll walk through the rain, let alone smile in the sunshine.

(488) - 3/6/2010 - Another morning like the others

Am I depressed? I don't think so, but I wouldn't be surprised. I mean, I am on here just typing instead of trying to find someone to talk to. Of course, its nine in the morning, my internal clock won't allow me to sleep past 8, and then I find myself bored with what's going on around me.

Amazing how quickly a week changes everything. Last week, I was writing about how someone and I were mutually into each other, and how I was becoming more fascinated with the idea. After that long conversation with her, I think it became awkward...kinda like the morning after a sexual encounter with someone that you really just want to be friends with, except, like always, I get this situation to happen...when there is no sex involved.

So due to that, the friendship has become a quick chat here or there and has dissipated into nothing more. I do think there is a little more avoidance going on from her side of the coin, due to the awkwardness of the situation. Oh well, that's the way my life rolls, and no matter what, it will not get to roll all the way back down the hill this time. Not only will I not allow it, I'll continue to make my personal strides, with some blatant hiccups I'm sure, but the hole I was in last year and have just now begun climbing out of, I will continue to do that, make myself stronger, and not care what the opinions of just anyone are.

I really like what I'm doing with my art, but I can't help but feel like a fraud. A lot of artists make their livings lightboxing and mashing up the art. Tony Harris has made a career out of photographing people and then using those photos to make issues of comics. I can't imagine how painstaking it is, but it must mean that he puts in more time and effort than most other artists, since there are extra steps involved.

Every lightbox drawing I do is actually a lot of work. I have to find the right photo, then I have to mess with the contrast and brightness on it until it looks like something that can be done on the box, and then I have to make it happen.

I've had a few recently that looked so bad due to how thick the pen line was that I had to toss them. While this has not been the norm, when it happens, I've been terribly disappointed in the final product, so much so that I do something I never usd to do...throw out the final product, rather than allow it to be picked apart or critiqued.

You know, I started this by asking if I was depressed, and I think I know what the truth here is... I lost something a long time ago. Someone who understood and accepted me, flaws and quirks and all. I allowed myself to be TOO involved, and now do not trust enough to do it again... for now. I am lonely, in mind and in heart, and who knows when I'll get that back.

(486) 3-3-2010

So today, I signed paperwork to purchase a new place to live. Approximately 2.4 miles from work, this will allow me to not have to worry about getting help to and from work so much, as worst case scenario, I'll be able to walk. I'm happy with the place that I picked out, and am hoping that everything goes according to plan, since I have to have my divorce finalized, and after that, I can go out, get the new mortgage loan, and move on with everything. I've also got to come up with $2500 for the downpayment, and then probably cut back on a lot of my other extracuricular activities if I am not going to want to involve a roommate.

Anyway, I'm pretty down, and as I stated earlier, I really don't have that person that I can 100% open myself up to, and recent attempts to qualify a person into that position have fallen on incapable. I haven't tried that hard, but then, I probably like coming across as more of a bad ass than as someone willing to shed tears. It really hasn't been a great time in my life, but I'm working through it, and moving forward. I've made strides, and really have begun enjoying the ride of life again, after a long year of not appreciating anything but family. I have a long ways before I feel like I'm right for myself, or anyone else, but I'm much closer to feeling that way than I've been for a really long time.

I'm actually growing tired of always putting on the happy or professional face, and now, at this point, I just want to let the chips fall where they may. It isn't the smartest play, but its the play I feel like I want to make.

I've been drawing a lot recently, and actually have intentions of putting together an artbook/sketchbook. I haven't done this before, and typically would be against the idea, but a lot of the art I've done recently, I think SHOULD be out there for others. If I get Microsoft Publisher or anything up and running on this, I shold even be able to piece the book together.

I'm not sure what exactly is going on in my head that's causing me to not be as happy as I have been in recent history, and I'm hoping it won't take long to start feeling like me, again...at least, here is really hoping on it.

Life was so much easier when I was twelve.

3/3/2010 - Weird dreams and stuff.

I had this really awkward dream, where I woke up wondering what the hell it was all about. It was like I was in highschool again, but at my current memory levels...like 90210 weird.

Anyway, I've really been cranking out some good artwork recently. I'm up to 9 pieces, and I figure as soon as I'm at 24 that I like, I'll probably put together a sketchbook and try selling it at a local convention.

My fan page on Facebook is now up to 90 fans, which for only sending it to my friends is kinda cool, especially when I look through the fans and see people like Diamond Distribution's Steve Geppi as one of them.

I've got about 2.5 weeks to get my stuff moved and get out of my current house. Good news is I've already found a new place to want to move into, and will probably be securing the loan and for it really soon. Only real downside to it is I'll have to live somewhere else until it all goes through, and I'll have to find somewhere to put my one dog until I do. Mom is afraid to take my big dog, and there is typically a lot of yelling at that house, but its to get to the next stage in my life, so its only a hiccup.

I gotta make this a quick blog, so if anybody wants to see the current art, checkout (rpotchak.deviantart.com) where I've got all my latest pieces put up.

3-1-2010 (485)

I changed up the look of the blog a little. I haven't figured out how to change the graphics to make it really my own, so it still looks pretty plain, but then again, this is a private blog now. I haven't written anything on this that really shows the status update of my comics work, because I haven't done any.

I've started many projects over the past five years...THIEF, TAGGER, REHAB, and a couple others, and none have been completed. I wonder if this is how Leonardo DaVinci felt, as he'd get so caught up with "the next BIG idea," only to have it die out in his mind.

I feel that my creativity only goes so far, and while I can brainstorm the fuck out of things, I don't seem to get much further than that anymore.

My mind seems to be racing with about three weeks left before I HAVE to move, and I haven't figured out where I'm moving, though I think I do. I want so many things to go my way, and all of last year, they did not.

Last year I wish I could redo. I lost a lot of myself in that last year, and now feel like I'm coasting on the tidal wave, but not underneath and overwhelmed, but finally surfing somewhere under the cusp, but not anywhere in danger. I feel a sense of hope coming back into the light, though even that, I feel is somewhat misguided.

I wrote about knowing about chemistry with another person, yet, while I know it's there, I know that person is juggling inner turmoil of past relationships, much like myself, but where mine is over and I want it to be done with, theirs is seemingly still having a possibility of coming back. As the friend, I asked, "so what's up with you two?" and the response was "I dunno..." I stated that 'I dunno' by itself would have been an up in the air, while adding an elipses to it made it seem at even more of a discord.

My biggest problem going on now in my life is I hae no one that I can fully open up to. I think I need a good cry, but none of my friends are the type that you can do that with. There is no break down in front of person, but I think I need a good heartfelt one...after that, I think I'd feel cleansed, and ready to take back the world.

On a professional front, I believe I'm going to print a sketch book in my latest artstyle, which is all line work from photo reference. A buddy of mine, who seems to be promoting local comic shows now actually told me I should set up a booth and try to sell them there. I'll have to figure out pricing and everything, but even I could piece together a sketchbook, right?

To anyone that actually finds and reads this, thanks. I don't know if this will continue to be a public blog, or even if it remains that way, whether ALL posts will be that way.

2-28-10: caught in a loop... (484)

So as the message states, I find myself caught in a loop.

You ever felt like you are wanting something, even if you shouldn't want it? Ever felt as though someone telling you that everything is bad for you is because you untimely think you are good for them?

Two days ago, I knew there was chemistry between me and another person. Is she involved with someone...yes, no, maybe. Facebook might lead one to believe "its complicated."

You get told that the type of profession they are is bad for you. You get told seven other things you would like are bad for you. And then it happens.

you knew there was some sort of chemistry. You joke about it, you flirt about it, and then the awkwardness of it sets in...you both know its there, and you try to ignore it like the 400 lb pink elephant that seems to show up with alcohol. It's there. Neither have denied it, but one has said that "knowing it would end badly, I'd like to keep it where it is..."

I've been through this before, and it did end badly. Twice, in fact, with the same person. In fact, the pieces still haven't ALL been picked up again. I'm still collecting myself, and do not want to be broken into more.

I'm finding myself more interested, and trying to play it into my hand, one way or another, and not be in the position to be taken advantage of...however, after countless LONG discussions until any hour of the night, I find myself starting to long for it.

I'm writing it here because this is my last safehaven. A place where I do not anticipate anyone reading me, and if they do, congrats. I haven't been able to open up in a long while, and while I do say what I feel...I haven't felt like I could just open up and let out raw emotion like I once did.

I used to be a flame of emotion that could not be put out, and then...I was extinguished by lies, deceit, and a ruined image of the perfect life. I opened my eyes to see that only in work can ONE person be the reason things go the way you want...whenever it comes to two sides...it really takes a concerted effort.

I don't know why I'm fawning over it...or becoming emotional about this person, but she's got me in a minor tizzy...but a major tizzy doesn't feel like its far off.

While some of its been discussed between both parties, in many ways it hasn't. I can not speak for the other person, because I don't know what's in their head. I can try to get in there, and it is fun to try, but this person when it comes to psychobabble, should have been crying like a little boy, but I haven't felt less than equal.

I've been labeled too nice. I am a nice guy, no doubt. But I command respect from a group, and don't typically allow myself to be frowned upon. I lead the charge, but I got told I'd get walked all over. I explained this to her as selfishness and sabotage.

It sucks when you see this much in common with another soul...and you aren't sure its the right thing to persue it, but for some reason...your mind starts going for it...and your heart can't stop, and must follow...

Post 483: 8/1/09 - Trying to feel inspired.

So I drew this before I went on Vacation, but when I got home I wanted to see if I still had it in me to sit down, fully ink something and move on to the next project.

What we have here is Deadpool meeting up with Lobo, and as you can tell, the Main Man ain't no slouch to the won't shut up merc.

I've included two photos of this, one of the whole thing and a closeup of their heads and chests.

I know on Deadpool, I screwed up on his shoulder, but I really like how Lobo came out on the piece. I was going to just fully black in his vest and then add whiteout for effect, but I think this came off just as well with a textured look.

While this was done in a more cartoony way, I don't suspect that all my new art will be done as such, as I still prefer the traditional comic book look, though as I get older, I think I'm moving further away from my prime and my best work.

Well, anyway, I hope everyone enjoys this piece, and we'll probably be seeing more of them.

I just noticed that since I started updating this site that elisalandis.com has started receiving hits again, probably because Chris Crosby had linked up the two sites. That's good, because it means as long as people are going to the site, Keenspot's still generating something from it I believe.

I've also collected some of the pages from Landis and will be posting them on my deviant art page, rpotchak.deviantart.com, so that anyone that hasn't seen these in the past can see some of them now.

Post 482: First day of Vacation...not doing anything...

So I decided that I'll meet up with the family tomorrow for the "start" of my vacation. While it only goes Friday to Friday, I'm intending on doing some clean up around the house...hanging out with the dog, hanging out with some people I don't get a lot of time with and playing poker.

My buddy Chris has just informed me that he intends to come up to AC Monday night, and while I wasn't intending on gambling with very much (if any money, hehe), I will now be attempting to get a room at one of the local casinos for Tuesday night, and that way I can be there from Tuesday afternoon sometime to Wednesday. It ought to be interesting. I believe he's told me I'll be on the poker table with him.

I'm still trying to sell my house, but last night I heard that the new apartments at North Hills will be opening around October, and while they aren't cheap, the convienence is amazing. Its located above a Harris Teeter, which makes shopping easy, its two blocks from my work, and they are offering Studio apartments starting at $885...with $200 off PER MONTH, so though its quite a bit smaller than my current place, if they allow pets, its ultra convienent.

So I'll be making probably my last drive to Jersey for the next couple years this week...with my court case still pending, and me believing I'll lose my license for 4 years, I'll be taking rides from whomever will offer, or I'll be hanging out in the same places a lot more often. Who knows though, as I may just spend more time at work, hope the years fly by, try to save some money, and live the good life when I can...

I really do want to spend some of this coming week writing, and who knows, maybe I will. I'll be energized by hearing what's happening at CCI: SD...so that may help.

I really gotta bog down and get somewhere with writing. My story ideas get a lot of people buying in, but I lose interest, and I have to just keep trucking...

Post 481 - 7/12/09 - Some art and other things

I haven't used my scanner in a while, so most scans I do of artwork are from my phone, so they are going to appear gray, though the paper is white.

My buddy Junior Bruce has asked me to try to do more completed artwork, instead of just sketching from time to time, so I am trying to accomodate, like with this here, my pic of Solid Snake from Metal Gear.

I really like how the head came out, however, there are definite issues with the body. However, for not drawing for years it seems, I think I'm jumping right back in pretty well.

Post 480: 7/9/09 - The first offer...

Today I'm to get the first offer on my house...I'm assuming they are going to low-ball, but by how much is the question? I know this isn't a long post (working in 30 minutes) but I'll be back on later announcing if I liked the offer or not...

7-8-09: After a lonnnng hiatus...

I'm returning to my blogspot roots and will be posting more blogs here...right now, you can also visit me on myspace: www.myspace.com/potsandpansink on facebook: www.facebook.com/RobPotchak and twitter: www.twitter.com/potchak .

I'll be posting updates about me, my life, reposting all my "Memoirs of an @$$hole" stories and taking my comic career back to where it should be, which is simple...working on stories I want to write, and maybe draw, so who knows.

Later y'all.

MYSPACE BLOGGING...

Hey folks, if you hadn't guessed, I haven't updated this blog in some time, and its for no other reason than pure laziness. For this fact, I ask that everyone join me over at http://www.myspace.com/potsandpansink to check out my latest rants, art, and all around pure goodness. Thanks!

12/4/07 - 477 - J Michael Strazcinski agrees...

JMS as he's referred to in all media outlets, has been a writer for Amazing Spider-Man for wow... the last six plus years it seems, and while his final story is ONE MORE DAY, the story that is toying with twenty (thanks Eric) years of continuity and getting rid of the Peter/Mary Jane marriage that in Marvel's eyes 'should have never been,' it has now come out that JMS doesn't agree with the story either...in fact here's an excerpt...

Comic By Comic links to a post from Straczynski on JMSNews in which the writer admits, “there’s a lot that I don’t agree with, and I made this very clear to everybody within shouting distance at Marvel, especially Joe”:

"I’ll be honest: there was a point where I made the decision, and told Joe, that I was going to take my name off the last two issues of the OMD arc. Eventually Joe talked me out of that decision because at the end of the day, I don’t want to sabotage Joe or Marvel, and I have a lot of respect for both of those. As an executive producer as well as a writer, I’ve sometimes had to insist that my writers make changes that they did not want to make, often loudly so. They were sure I was wrong. Mostly I was right. Sometimes I was wrong. But whoever sits in the editor’s chair, or the executive producer’s chair, wears the pointy hat of authority, and as Dave Sim once noted, you can’t argue with a pointy hat.

So at the end of the day, all one can do is try to do the best one can with the notes one is given, and try to execute them in a professional way…because who knows, the other guy may be right. The only thing I *can* tell you, with absolute certainty, is that what Joe does with Spidey and all the rest of the Marvel characters, he does out of a genuine love of the character. He’s not looking to sabotage anything, he’s not looking to piss off the fans, he genuinely believes in the rightness of his views not out of a sense of “I’m the boss” but because he loves these characters and the Marvel universe.

And right or wrong, you have to respect that."

Unfortunately, you do NOT have to respect it. I love Joe Quesada and what he's done in his time as the leader of Marvel Comics...but here's the problem...we're getting rid of 20 years of Continuity that then makes the reason for the Ultimate Marvel Universe's existense not necessary, yet they'll continue to publish it.

Here's the problem we run into...

The Ultimate Universe was created to get rid of convoluted continuity while returning Peter Parker to his highschool roots, albeit in a more modernized setting.

What's the point in this universe's existence if we get rid of Peter Parker's livelihood of the last twenty years, to remove convolution from continuity and place him in a more modern setting? Wait...that's what they're doing. The only thing they are getting rid of is the teenage angst. They're giving Peter life in the real world without the life of a married man.

I don't get it. Why?

Does anyone else see this as the CLONE SAGA that eats Joe Q's job away from him, much as Bob Harras had happen before him? And I'd think that Bob was more profitable in his time with Marvel.

Man, the more I write about this...the more I know my chances of EVER writing for Marvel are dwindling...

12/4/07 - Post 476 - Just random shit tonight...

So I'll start by saying that I've updated The Ardy Vanstarr Adventures homepage with a new "Re-Coming Soon..." piece. I know JB has been real busy with his day job, much like myself, but I hope he gets the time to stay on the project for the long haul this time. Right Now I'd love to RESTART it by February, but we're going to do it on the timeframe that meets both of our needs. Its just a page now that will be visible at ardyvanstarr.com until the time to update gets placed on this site.

I think I'm going to start playing with website design, too. I know I'm not going to find a lot of time before Christmas, but at this point, I'd love after the holidays to jump onto ardyvanstarr.com and give it a facelift...however, what this means is actually LEARNING how. This is a goal, so it doesn't necessarily mean it'll happen, but here's hoping. The other thing I'd like to do is actually give robpotchak.com a facelift and go with that, but I may have to re-buy the site, since I think its expired.

My dog Landis is limping pretty bad for the last three or four days recently, and its very depressing. My wife and I are about as broke as we've ever been, and we are going to need to find a way to pay for our dog's vet bill, which is going to be pretty outrageous (since I know their shots are outdated...bit quite a bit)...honestly, though, it was either buy a new AC unit to prevent the dogs from dying of heat exhaustion, or get them to the vet...now, I'll make sure they get to the vet by the time our tax check comes in....I love my pets, and need to get them taken care of, but just like now going to the dentist, if it doesn't hurt, it can wait a little longer (I hope).

Anyone looking for a WORLD OF WARCRAFT: BURNING CRUSADE Limited Edition? I still have one, and am willing to part with it, as it is still unopened, and I just noticed it in the computer room. I thought my cousin played, but it turns out he didn't.

I've had a lot of people talking nicely about my Killzone Rifle picture (on my deviantart page...rpotchak.deviantart.com), so I wanted to take this moment to say thanks. No, I'm not parting with this thing, yet, but the gestures people have made asking about it are pretty funny.

I haven't been drawing lately because my scanner is busted. Its disappointing knowing that you can't put the art up after you do it. I completed a piece of Wolverine on cardstock, and can't do anything with it because the scanner is crapped.

Finally, I'd also like to say that I believe that Christy and I are also about 60-75% done with Christmas shopping, which is a good thing. Still looking for my mom, her parents, my sister Michelle, Brother David and Brother-in-law Andy...if you aren't on this list, your done. So far, I've also got to say we're about as creative as we've ever been with gifts, except maybe her brother, but we got him something we know he'll enjoy. We're going for a common theme on gifts this year...simple but awesome. Its tough, but the wife and I are pretty smart.

11/30/07 - POST 475! - One More Flaw...Spoilers Ahead!

Yes, my 475th blog post...wow. Anyway, lets get to the matter at hand, since I have to get ready for work shortly.

Marvel Comics is "putting the cat back in the bag," so to speak with its current storyline, ONE MORE DAY, in the Spider-man books. Spoilers start here, folks...

Aunt May is on her death bed and no one can do anything for her, but Peter KNOWS there must be something that can be done. So what happens? Mephisto mentions that he can fix her for a price...well, that price is a 30 year old marriage in the comic, something that Marvel's Editor in Chief, Joe Quesada, has stated to be against since he started as the guy in charge. Here's the problem, the characters have been together for 30 years, and Peter at this point in his life would get over the death of his aunt by blaming everyone else.

While I DO believe there are stories that can be told with them not being married, what does this say about Marvel's stance on marriage? An old woman, who has lived her entire life and is ready to go, or the marriage that has helped keep him together for years? See, I have a problem with this. Would any of us give up "our better half" in a real life situation for an aunt? I doubt it. In fact, this whole story just rings wrong, and I think Marvel is dropping the ball with it. Is this a situation where Mary Jane ends up finding him later and then they get back together?

Apparently a piece of their souls will know that something is wrong and missing, but they won't know what, and they won't know how to fix it...

I just don't get it. If you don't want their marriage to work, write it out of the book with a death of a character or a divorce because it gives her a chance to have a normal life, but don't take away THIRTY YEARS of Continuity...

This happened once before, when someone at Marvel thought it would be a good idea to have a clone of Peter Parker, calling himself Ben Reilly, was the REAL Spider-man and then something happened to public perception...they hated the book because they lost 30 years of reading relatively overnight...Marvel had to Ret-con the Ret-con, and suddenly Peter WAS Peter, not the clone and we got what we wanted, and MJ "lost" her baby...

Why is it okay for Reed and Sue Richards to be married, but not Peter Parker? Yeah, I agree, his wife shouldn't be a movie star or a model, but come on, Marvel, don't take away a natural progression of characters after 30 years...its just going to end badly.

Even with the talent you have on Spider-man coming up, people will be upset that it was a 30 year marriage that took all of 4 issues to get rid of...

11-30-07: Back for a bit...

So, I noticed I've been really busy and haven't been able to get on here as much...so next year, I'm going to try to find a way to make this blog into a podcast, because then I can share my thoughts any everything as I dictate them into an audio file and then post it that way. Yeah, a fun aspiration, but who knows if that one will come to fruition, as well.

So Junior Bruce and I have almost completed the "first season" of The Ardy Vanstarr Adventures, and I believe we'll be reposting the ENTIRE thing in full color as we go back and recolor and reletter all previous pages. JB wants to keep a very static look to the coloring, to make it look like an old-school Saturday morning cartoon, where I want to add a little flair of the computer add with color seperation in it, but his way transfers to black and white comics a little easier than mine.

He has also established a much more polished art format for it, going to a more conventional 3 panel layout, however that will change depending on the page in question, I'm sure.

I originally said I'd love to re-introduce it in January, but there's no real time-table, and we'll launch it when its ready, in 3-per week intervals, so that we can be on the Keenspot dropbox and main page, since we feel that seriously hurt our overall visibility on the web.

So I've played through Mass Effect, and its amazing. Yes, there are framerate issues, but the game's story and building of character relationships is so good, you may not even notice. I can't say enough about the amount of work that went in from BioWare, I just truly hope they intend to give me my next helpign sooner...rather than later.

I'm also playing Rockband, and its the first time my wife, Christy, and I can do something together in terms of gaming...how, you ask? She wants to sing, and I like playing the guitar, so we just play, and the other night played until 3 am. This game is amazing, and today, I'm buying an Xbox Live points card so that I can buy all the extra tracks that are already available. I can't wait.

Finally, something I'm a little agitated about at my job. Throughout the year, we go up against our numbers on sales that we did last year. No big deal, right? Except the mall stores are the stores that see an increase in sales to about 10X their normal at this time of year, whereas a strip center store will see an increase of 3-4X. What this means is more sales, faster transactions, and not as much time to put in to get the other things that make up our ranks. The problem here is that even if sales are that much better than anywhere else, we're against our sales from last year, and NOT against the other stores...where does this affect me most? In my pocket...

At this time of year, we've been told that the top 25% of store managers will receive a 10% of their salary bonus. While this is amazing news, they also stated that the top 75% of managers will receive a bonus, but they haven't explained what it is. No where have they explained what it is, how much it is, or how many (actual number) stores will get it. This is wrong. I need to know what I'm fighting for. Do I want to be in the top 25% of stores? Absolutely. Do I anticipate that I'll end up there? Not likely. I'm trending at the 33% mark at the moment, and I'm 100% fine with that...its just that I have no idea what I lose by being there when there isn't really anything I can do to get to the higher spot because of the way they rank us.

Oh well, guess I'll just suck it up and hope my boss gives me a good raise next year.

11/13/07 - Cabela's Monster Wha?!

"Do y'all have this in stock?"

I bet that's a great game as you go fishin for bitches down the ghetto pipeline.

Sorry, a little finger fun.

11/10/07 - Notre Dame Drops another, so why am I happy for my team?

So I just got done watching Notre Dame fall to 1-9. Now, before I get into the high's and low's, I want to discuss something else, the fact that NO ONE thought Notre Dame was good this year. It's true. ANY TRUE FAN would have known that the team would struggle without Quinn, Samardzia, McKnight, Walker and others. Most fans were HOPING for a 7-5 year, but that just wasn't how it would play out. The team has two more WINNABLE games left on the schedule after losing to Air Force, but does that mean they will be favored to win, or actually win the games? Not necessarily, however, there are things to look forward to for this squad of guys. Really good things. Sure, the defense is on the field WAY TO LONG per game, but overall, as these young guys get older, isn't this a good thing for their game stamina over the course of four years? This one I'm guessing on, but I think it should mean they'd be stronger later in games as they progress.

Alright, now time to get into the nitty gritty of what will come for the Blue and Gold boys come next year.

Notre Dame has only been penalized EIGHT times in the last three games...that's one more penalty than in the game against Boston College alone. What does this mean? The team is learning discipline, and becoming better at not losing yards on false starts, encroaching, or pass interference. This is a huge step, since the team is young.

How young is the team? The starting quarterback is a freshman, and although he's had a hard time adjusting to the speed of the game, he performed well this week, and his receivers dropped A LOT of catchable passes. Their leading rusher (Aldridge) is a sophmore, so he has a lot more time to grow and hone his game. Their second leading rusher (Allen), is a freshman with lightning quickness, and IS averaging 4.4 yards per carry. The crazier this gets, huh? The two leading receivers, Parris and Kamara are Sophmore and Freshman as well. This is just on offense. Yes, their best player, John Carlson will be overshadowed when it comes to being an All-American, even though he would have been drafted by the third round of the NFL draft last year, is a senior, but Notre Dame has already shown that they can develop hybrid Tight Ends, as I believe before Carlson got to shine when Fasano left, he had caught all of 6 passes the year prior. On defense, yes, they have more leadership in the form of Seniors, like Zibikowski and Trevor Laws, but they are young, too, especially in the Linebacker core. And they'll only get better...and younger.

This brings me to the final reason WHY Notre Dame will get better in their off-season...recruiting. Do I believe ALL the numbers when it comes to recruits? Do I believe who has the best team based on who they bring in, when they are playing highschool talent, instead of NFL laden boys? Not really, but their are HUGE promising spots here. Let's look at what Rivals.com, the top college recruiting site out there has got locked down as Notre Dame commitments.


COMMITTED/NOT YET SIGNED
Pos Stars Ht Wt 40 RR Hometown
Dayne Crist
QB 5 6-5 228 4.66 6.1 Sherman Oaks, CA
Kyle Rudolph
TE 5 6-6 229 4.6 6.1 Cincinnati, OH
Steven Filer
LB 4 6-3 220 6.0 Chicago, IL
Jonas Gray
RB 4 5-10 213 4.44 6.0 Detroit, MI
Ethan Johnson
DE 4 6-4 266 4.8 6.0 Portland, OR
Robert Blanton
DB 4 6-1 177 4.5 5.9 Matthews, NC
Lane Clelland
OL 4 6-5 270 - 5.9 Owings Mills, MD
Sean Cwynar
DT 4 6-4 284 - 5.9 Woodstock, IL
Darius Fleming
LB 4 6-3 230 - 5.9 Chicago, IL
Michael Floyd
WR 4 6-3 195 4.55 5.9 St. Paul, MN
Omar Hunter
DT 4 6-1 295 4.7 5.9 Buford, GA
Jamoris Slaughter
DB 4 6-1 185 4.5 5.9 Stone Mountain, GA
Braxston Cave
OL 4 6-4 295 5.09 5.8 Mishawaka, IN
Joseph Fauria
OL 4 6-8 250 4.75 5.8 Encino, CA
John Goodman
WR 4 6-4 192 4.5 5.8 Fort Wayne, IN
Dan McCarthy
DB 4 6-2 190 4.5 5.8 Youngstown, OH
Anthony McDonald
LB 4 6-3 220 4.5 5.8 Sherman Oaks, CA
Mike Golic
OL 3 6-5 260 5.1 5.7 West Hartford, CT
David Posluszny
LB 3 6-0 206 4.62 5.7 Aliquippa , PA
Hafis Williams
DT 3 6-3 285 - 5.7 Elizabeth, NJ
Brandon Newman
DT 3 6-1 300 5.09 5.6 Louisville, KY

Hmm, weird that names like Posluzny, Golic and Fauria show up, huh? Yeah, these kids have dads that played at the highest level, or at least highly taughted siblings. Charlie wants the right fits for his schemes, much like the two Bill's he used to work for.

Notre Dame's recruiting class has a nice mix of both offense and Defense, though if you were creating a class for NCAA 2009 football from EA sports, this team has 15 4 star recruits. On the 360, this would mean ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED. So far they are ranked #1 in overall recruiting this season, and that though some are verbals only, most have stayed with Charlie for a reason...THE BEST GUY PLAYS...period. Look at the freshmen playing right now. When they are seniors, don't you think they'll be ready for whatever they want?

Sure, Notre Dame is "no better" than when Ty Willingham was here, but lets be honest. Sure the records are really close to the same, but how many $14 Million dollar BCS bowls did he take them to? Charlie's paid for his contract already, now he just needs to keep his team content with learning more, and getting better in the offseason. And this means, making sure that Jimmy Clausen is trying to throw more footballs through moving tires (ala Doug Flutie), while running away from a speeding truck...

But heck, it can't get much worse than only winning one game, right?

11/10/07 - Mullet of the Week...maybe the Year!

I liken this to a MEGGET...ie, a MEGA MULLET. This bad boy from Tijuana let that monster hang out, eat some teriyaki chicken and just overall, steal our hearts with this fucker.

Yeah, I went all non-children with that statement...but yea, that dead antelope was all business in the front and partying like it was 1999 in the back...

Wow. And I know what you are asking, "Did he let me take the picture?"

And the correct answer is, "No." He did not. I just pulled my phone from my pocket and decided I HAD to get this ugly bastard's best Ron Jeremy impersonation captured for the world to see.

Congratulations, all, you just saw history.

11/10/07 - The big Big BIG TAVA Update!

11/10/07 - The big Big BIG TAVA Update!
So who out there misses my comic strip, THE ARDY VANSTARR ADVENTURES...(still located at ardyvanstarr.com for anyone that wants to go back and check it out, still with the less than stellar website, but still a fun read story)? Well, I'm not going to say when...but it is coming back!

Both Junior Bruce (JB for short and now on...) and I have decided that our hiatus that has allowed us both some serious thinking time, should come to an end and we should give back to the fans...and how do we intend to do that?

Easy...we want to get back into THE ARDY VANSTARR ADVENTURES in a big way...JB has said that he wants to go back through and re-letter and...dun duh duh...COLOR every strip that has already happened, and we'll begin republishing it from the beginning.

Not a Hoax, NOT an April Fool's joke (five months early?). We want to come back in a major way, and we want everyone to take notice this time.

JB and I have had two stories we've always wanted to complete...and this goes back YEARS upon YEARS here, folks. We have two next storyline ideas in place for after the intial story, though they DO have to be re-written...and they are SPRING BROKE and INDOMITABLE FORCES. Don't worry, BOTH are Ardy (and Torch) stories...and yes, both will be retouched so that they have the feel of what we've already done here.

We intend to continue to give you the quality of product that we have always been about giving to the fans, and this means a couple things. We want to come back, and update THREE times a week (part of Keenspot's premiere line, so we get on the drop box and on the main page), but we also need everyone's help. When it restarts, we're going to need hits...lots of hits. We want to be able to give you back the product, but we want to know you love it...post links on your blogs, websites, bathroom stalls...this means a lot to us, it should mean a lot to you as well...

Okay, I said I wasn't going to do it, but here's what I had intended...I'm HOPING for a January re-start, but no guarantees...New Year...New Ardy. That's the way I want it to go.

11/9/07 - Dane "What a Silly Bitch" Cook...

11/9/07 - Dane "That silly Bitch" Cook...Merry F’in Christmas...

So I took the wife to see Dane Cook for her christmas present. Yeah, I know what you are thinking..."Rob, Christmas isn't for another 50 something days..." And Dane gave the information about it, that makes me remember why I hate that fucking time so goddman much...his' recounting of walking into a Brookstone and not seeing a line, but a pile of people that roll off one by one to the register, holding their bags up like decapitated zombies and then crossing people off their list because you just don't want to wait for them...remembering that they yelled at you in the fifth grade, just to justify you not getting them shit besides a bonzai tree...personally, Dane, I'd go after that magic wrap thing in the mall that they grab your dying carcass out of thin air and make you see how this is, "the greatest shammy ever created..."

He talked about how he'd rather just sit and play Call of Duty than go shopping at Christmas, and then made some pretty funny statements...

My wife has already told of her experience last night, which was the only present I've ever gotten her that I know she truly wanted...man candy. Here's where her post is...http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=77053571&blogID=326897587&Mytoken=A8C2444E-6172-4E97-AEC2B672B77F265B14356256

She talks about our drive, our waiting in line, but she didn't tell about the coolest things that happened during this whole experience...First...this line that we were standing in was wrapping around a city blog, and we were standing in it. I then ask a cop if it was the right line for will call and he says you have to go inside to the ticket desk for will call. I go inside and the guy at the door tells me to get my wife and tell her to come on in, because no one is at that door...yoink! Zang Za Damn...we're in, in front of about 2000 people! (Not to mention, we literally parked less than a block away...)

So after that, Christy and I are walking around...we go in, we find our seats, and I ask if she wants anything, because we're at least 45 minutes early...we go for a walk and we see desks of employees giving out what look to be tickets. I'm thinking its where the Charlotte Bobcats are getting their next sell out from, but it turns out that they are giving upgraded tickets out. I don't want to say I was cheap on the tickets, but Christy has been out of her bar job for a week, now, and that is where a lot of our income comes from, so I bought the cheapest tickets I could get, because I didn't want us going into the hole...so we went from about twelfth row from the top...to twelfth row! Wow.

Only thing I could have lived without last night, was the dumb bitch sitting right behind us and trying to "talk" directly to Dane with her, "Ha ha, I knew that one Dane" at LOUDER than the man himself with the entire sound system behind his voice...but hey, to go from $30 tickets to $100 tickets FOR FREE, I'll take it and do what I can to forget about her.....

10/16/07 - Greatest Interview EVER...Must read!

So today, I decided that I was going interview for Christmas positionsat my little Babbages, and I have to say, one interview went well, and we hired the young lady, and the other interview...well, let's just say, its going to be known as a Tomlinson for as long as I interview anybody ever again...

This gentleman, whom we'll just call by his last name Tomlinson, showed up to be interviewed in a white long t-shirt, a pair of not necessarily clean jeans and a dumbfounded look on his face. I asked him to sit in the food court and I'd be with him in a minute, because I knew this one was for the record books... I just got that feeling.

I grab my counterpart, Jason, from his Gamestop store in the mall because we typically try to do dual interviews so we can go back and forth with how we feel afterwords and determine if someone deserves the job or not. Well, today, it was more for shits and giggles than anything else. I tell him we're interviewing a guy in a t-shirt and jeans, and he says, "At the end of the day, sometimes all we need is a warm body to interview because that's all we really need..." and although true, this was not the body we want to hire...

So we sit down with him and introduce each other, and I ask, "What do you know about Gamestop...?" Answer..."Umm...well..." and then he starts to rub the top of his head, and then rubs his chin...through ALL of these exchanges, this is his general response..."I don't really know about the company."

Jason: "How do you feel one person affects a company?" Answer...shrug, rub head, rub chin..."um..." rub chin, rub head, rub chin..."I don't know what the question means."

Jason: "What's your favorite game of all time...?" Answer..."I dunno. Maybe NBA Live 2007 or maybe it was 08..."

Rob: "Sell it to me." Answer: "Huh? Sell what?"

Rob: "Your favorite game to me. Sell me a copy of NBA Live 08." Answer: "Ummm..." rubs head, chin, head, chin, "I only played it a couple times."

Jason: "Your favorite game, you've only played a couple times?" Answer: "Uh, well, I never really play games."

I look at him at this point and ask, "Are you feeling overwhelmed by the questions we're asking? You don't seem to be giving us much information, or answering any of our questions..." Answer: "Nah...hm. I'm, uh, not hm...overwhelmed."

Rob: "Do you know that you applied for a sales job?" Answer: "Uh" shrug, chin, head, chin, chin, chin..."Hm, uh, I put and application in."

Jason: "Rob, do you have any more questions for him, because I feel like I've got everything I need..."

Rob: "Yeah, just one more...If you were the boss of a business, and this was the interview that you just had to hire someone...would you hire that person?"

This question's response was terrific...chin...chin...chin...head...head...head..."uh, um..."...chin...chin...chin...::breath::...chin, chin...head, head, head..."I'd, uh...well, I'd have to think about it..."

Jason: "You know, you only get one chance to make a first impression..."

Rob: "You know, we're trying to give you a fair chance here...but you haven't answered ANY of our questions, you haven't given us anything to go by, so we'll be doing our call backs in about a week. You've got our number, right?"

Answer: "Um...uh. Well...yeah."

Rob and Jason: "Alright, then, have a good one."

Wow, just writing about it here, it doesn't get the same gusto that a lot of my stories get, because you really have to animate the hair and chin rubbing, because there was A LOT of it...this guy, afterwords, here's the conversation Jason and I had about him...

Rob: "Jason, you said warm bodies...I don't think he qualified even for that classification...I think he was dead."

Jason: "Wow. That was the greatest interview of all time. I mean, I'll look back for months, maybe years, and go, "Well, it still wasn't as bad as Tomlinson..."

And you know what? He's probably right.

10/4/07 - Sace Us 222 and more...

Viral websites seem to be the "big it thing" on the internet now, where the website is full of subliminal-ness and just off the wall code to secretly give you the message...now, the WWE is involved with it. SAVE-US.222 is their new thing. They make no mention of it on their television, though Jim Ross has made mention of it on his blog, stating that "its working." Apparently, if you stop and start the video per frame, there's a hidden message that says, "te/jer_ico_moive" and on the next line says, "save_raw"...

Now this has a lot to do with former superstar, Chris Jericho, who has always been brought in with the use of really cool tactics (ie, his being brought in in late 1999 as Y2J), and who has recently (rumored) signed a new agreement with WWE. Now here's where it gets interesting, is it possible that they move his return up REAL FAST to this Sunday now that John Cena has torn his Pec from his bone? Here's hoping they do.

So today I received my EIGHT Gigabyte memory stick for my PSP game system. I spent $84 on it, and am satisfied, since the cheapest I can find them in the US is $169. I'll be using it for movies and TiVo files, since otherwise, what's the necessity of an 8 gb card? It is pretty awesome tho.

This week, GREAT comics came out. Sinestro Corp Cyborg Superman special was terrific, and I hope to see more Patrick Blaine art. He's the same man that did all the promo art for GOD OF WAR and GOD OF WAR II for the PS2, so seeing him work in comics is great. GREEN LANTERN CORPS #16 came out this week, as well, and its another terrific issue. The new Action Comics issue came out, and gives SOME explanation on how the Bizarro world came from, though I don't think Richard Donner is really writing any of it anymore. ENDANGERED SPECIES #14 (of 17) shipped in Uncanny X-Men this week, as well, and actually the whole issue was darn good, except for the unnecessary entrance of Spiral. Countdown is becoming more and more of a boredom book, however Detective Comics does not disappoint.

The only real disappointment of the day was having to go to my store to set something up that cost me $26 on my day off because I figured someone there would have totally come up with an excuse as to why it was NOT done if I hadn't done it.

Well, that and the fact that the Indians and the Rockies beat my Yanks and Phils...boo that.

10/1/07 - Lying in the Gutters...

So I read and submit to a rumor mill for comics entitled LYING WITH THE GUTTERS by Rich Johnston for cbr.cc (comic book resources) and this past week, I sent Rich an email, and then he posted something on his site...here's the email, and what he posted:

EMAIL: (Titled: New TITANS Comic?)


from

Rob Potchak
Sep 27 (4 days ago)
to

richj@comicbookresources.com

date
Sep 27, 2007 8:08 PM

subject
NEW Titans comic?

mailed-by
gmail.com

"So rumors are now circulating that DC is going to launch a new TITANScomic with the team of Nightwing, Starfire, Cyborg, Beast Boy, Flash,Red Arrow and a few others...now I haven't heard any teams named forart, but Judd Winick's name is all over the project.Hopefully they'll at least get Perez on covers."
rob potchak

LYING IN THE GUTTERS SPOT:

TITANIC DAYS (Posted 10/1/07)
"So rumors are now circulating that DC Comics is going to launch a new "Titans" comic with the team of Nightwing, Starfire, Cyborg, Beast Boy, Flash, Red Arrow and more. Now I haven't heard any people named for art, but Judd Winick's name is all over the project.
Odds are they'll get George Perez on covers. "

Now, Rich, normally you give people credit for their rumors that sound like they are pretty accurate, but this time, my friend, you seem to have forgotten to credit me, and damn near purgered my statement. Other than my forgetting a space and changing the last sentence, everything else was word for word with better punctuation, which is pretty surprising, because I had to have been drinking to not do spell check.

Anyway, I think I'm going to link Rich to this, because I want to make sure he knows that I know he did this, but he's a swell enough guy, and again, has credited me in the past for my rumors.

In other rumored news, I would assume that Rags Morales or Mike McKone ARE the artist on said series, but that's my speculative mind here, since those two guys haven't been announced for any projects yet, though Matthew Clark is another one I wouldn't be surprised with.