526: Full day...

I told myself I had to get a lot done, today. I had to take my bike down to Durham to get it looked at, and then repaired.  Turns out that the carbeurator had been completely blocked, and thus, needed to get a massive cleaning, and then it worked fine. The trip itself took me an hour and a half to get down to the place to do it, because even though I only live about 25 miles from it, there's no easy way there. I was, however, able to get back from there in an hour and five minutes, I guess less waiting at lights, the bike was running better so it probably was going a tad faster, as well. 

I also had to head to downtown Raleigh to get my travel permit for my E3 trip next week, which while its going to be awesome, looks like it is going to have one crazy snag...I can't use my cellphone, because Verizon thought it nice enough to tell me I may be over my minutes AFTER I went over my minutes. So, here, I'll finish the part about the travel permit, and then write my frustrations about the rest, next.  I had my friend pick me up in Durham, and after a side track, we headed to Raleigh, I waited 15 minutes for my permit, and then she showed up, I signed the sheet of paper and bazinga, I was on my way BACK to Durham, so that she could get her Driver's License renewed, and then we headed back for my bike. So yes, Raleigh, Durham, Raleigh, and Durham again.

The sidestep that we had was to get me fitted for a Tuxedo for a wedding at the end of the month. Man, did I look FAT in it...not to be mistaken, however, I did look damn good for a fat guy...So they are right, I liked the way I looked...and they guaranteed it...for $180. Yeesh.

Okay, so back to the cellphone business. I just sent an email to my boss regarding this measure, because my phone at my store for some reason, the tone on the #3 button does not allow me into our conference call, so I've had, on multiple occasions, to call from my cell phone. So each of these calls made from my personal number should be reimbursable, as they were probably the majority of my minutes, since I almost never TALK on the phone, and I have both unlimited msg and data.  So, I'm hoping that I get reimbursed for this, because I believe its $.45 per minute over and as of this morning, I was already over by 12...

I also checked in on my dog, who hasn't been doing well, and the doctors now know that what she has is "Lung Related," so hopefully they can give her the drugs necessary to boot it out of her system.  Here's hoping, anyway, because I would really like to see her healthy again.

Now to something else:

Over the past week or so, I realized something that I hadn't noticed before...I was getting sentimental about stupid little shit, and it led me to make the distinction that I believe I'm depressed. No, not to the point where I'd go, and someone will find me all David Carradine'd in my bathroom, or anything, but to the point where I'm in a funk that I'm not sure how to rid myself of.

Okay, here's the selfish part, besides friends, family, dogs and work, I don't have a lot going on. I miss the companionship that I once had. No, I do not miss my ex-wife, but I miss the ability to go home, and find myself able to not just talk about my day, but rest next to someone else.  I'm one of those people who actually likes that, and while I like my own thing more often than not, I have recently wanted to just be in that kind of warm fuzzy moment that comes with a relationship...

Therein lies the dilemma...I don't think I want another relationship, though, as after I get comfortable, I tend to take those for granted.  I just kinda want to feel something out, enjoy the moments, and really like someone enough to where it makes me WANT more. I thought I was gaining in that area, and then it just seemed to stall out like a bad moped with a blocked carberator...see what I did there?

I know what my emotional hangup is. I don't take that chance because I typically only bet on the sure thing. Hell, reason I took the chance I did recently was because I knew she was into me, when she made a move while hammered on her birthday, and that allowed me the inch I needed to make the courage thing happen. I need that opening, and I just don't know when its there, and when someone is just being "Nice." I guess I could make my own luck, since that's what so many others do, but I play the numbers game, and it is always logic beating emotion.  It sucks, too, because I'm an emotional cat, and yet I feel as though my rationale prevents me from taking certain risks because they aren't in the "high odds" category.

You can't get this much fodder anywhere else, can you?  I mean, I'd talk about this with almost anyone that would listen, as that's just who I am, but I need something else in my life. Something that will garner me cleaning the apartment, something that will make me will myself to do things on my day off that I'd never consider right now (like going for a WALK), etc. 

I have had a lot of different things that I wanted to do in my life, but I've never felt like I was really told, "You should DO THAT!" and then go out and become famous at it. My family negatively motivates, because they were negatively motivated. They don't always realize that's what they are doing, but they are. I love'm, and wouldn't trade them for a player to be named later, but sometimes, you just have to have that new person that not only do you impress them, but their words impress you...

And its been a long time since I have had someone that I have felt the need to impress with me.

525: Attempting Video...First attempt.

So this is my first attempt at a video blog...vlogging, if you will. I can see that the sound is very low, so I'll have to see if I still have a microphone to determine if I want to continue this again.  I also saw that I can actually record just the computer screen if I want to, which is pretty weird, or just do podcasting audiostyle, if I'd like, which I may go to, since most people probably don't need to see my mug.

Anyway, this video is about 6 minutes long or so,just me going from random thought to random thought, but I figured it's the first try, so I'll bang around a bit with it.

529: Am I the only one left?

I don't normally complain about being lonely, but recently, my brother noted that a lot of people we know are getting married this year, and it struck him as odd. At the same accord, while it doesn't strike me as odd, it does strike in my chest from time to time as I feel that the relationship business has swept out and passed me by. I mean, when you think about it, Christy and I were together for so long that I forgot proper etiquate for dating, don't know the first thing about starting an open ended conversation not related to video games, wrestling or comic books, and I just am unsure about my "machismo" or whatever bullshit you want to call it.  Is it an insecurity within me that prevents me from being able to make myslef interesting? 

It shouldn't be that last thing as I know I'm not only interesting, but dammed loyal, almost to a fault.

I don't get it, but I'm not throwing a woe is me out there, I just don't get why they aren't interested. I'm a decent looking guy, I bend over backwards to get things done and I still just don't understand it.

Oh well, maybe I will be the last guy left, which means that at some point, I'm bound to fall into something...and it has to be better than this rut I find myself in.

It's interesting that I keep coming back to this issue, since I obviously have no idea how to correct it or move myself from it. Some nights I tell myself I'm a million bucks and I will show people I'm worth that, but then at half past ten, I'm back to just being the awkward guy who is always in the same place because it's comfortable, rather han breaking my mold, trying something different and showing more people that I should be the catch.

More interesting is that the things that interest me are becoming more popular, as can be seen by the abundance of good comic book related movies, TV series, etc that are attracting more women to them, and yet... still, no dice. Que?

I had a conversation with a younger girl that is interested in what seems to be a lot of the things I am also interested in and she seems to be in the same boat. She doesn't live nearby, either, otherwise I would probably try to show more interest, but we always seem to want what we can't have and it isn't even seemigly because we can't have, but because they don't want...

What is the trick? Is it lowering the standards? Is it random abductions and hoping for Stockholm syndrome? Or is it supposed to be, stop looking and it will find you? Because I think I would have a better chance with the second one over the third...though, ladies, that is NOT my style, lol.

With that said, I don't think I'm the only person suffering from mild depression, as I know that after an episode the other night, I believe another person is and apparently his life ain't where he wants either.

Okay, so I'll just say flat out that I'm writing and posting this guy from my phone, so if you notice spelling errors that I don't normally have, this is from my phone and when I go on a rant, I don't stop and look at the spelling, so some words may be replaced with garbage predictive text or whatever...

Oh, and I don't know if tonight is "Ladies Night" at the Fox and Hound in Raleigbbut there are more attractive women here than I have seen anywhere in months tonight...just saying.

And on that note, peace out...

524: I had two 522's...

I hadn't written in a while and actually had someone text message me about it, but I told him I hadn't really had anything I wanted to write about...so I just didn't.

Situations with that girl have stalled entirely because she's had another family tragedy, so I haven't seen her, and aside from some texts and whatnot, no other communication so it just is what it is.  I had gotten pissed off at the situation because I felt she made a bad choice, but in life those are the choices she's allowed to make and obviously, the logical thinker's opinion doesn't matter, no matter bow right it sounded or appeared.

Work has totally kicked my ass and whipped me back into shape with getting shit done, as well.  I worked about 55-60 hours last week, getting my store in order the way my new regional manager wanted and I'm still unsure if it's exactly how he'd like, but it definitely allowed for some personal touch thinking, something I had not been allowed to do in probably the last two years.

My district manager told me the other night that I am not "where you should be professionally" due to the not being able to critically think for myself when those that stand out normally are allowed to make choices that can help their business.  It stinks to hear, because I hadn't thought I changed, but I had, and now it's more about gettin the labors of my staff to where they need to be so that I can concentrate on directing the business. It is an interesting change in perspective, and will continue to be so going forward as long as the movement and growth are not taken from me again like a lobotomy.

I also saw Hangover Part Two, and it wasn't as funny as the first one, but it was hysterical and you should.definitely wait for the end credit photos.  The movie was full with the same stylized jokes from the first film and Todd Phillips really knows bow to keep.someone entertained. This movie should definitely be taken in, and I think would be even better if you watched both together. I won't ruin it for anyone, but the drug dealing monkey is awesome.

Til next time...

522: lots on the mind, not sure how the words will flow.

So my new regional boss is kicking my ass. I felt like I was busting my own ass, but apparently not. I believe him when he says he will get you to where you want to go, only I can't tell if he's trying to make that decision a "quit" as my choice, or a "promote me" from me.

He's intense, good at what he does, and he will never let.you feel like you accomplished something. These are good traits, unless you HAVE accomplished a lot of things. 

Anyway, unlike EVERYONE else, he has been in my store almost everyday this week, and he really does put in the time.

The girl situation is still bugging me, but only because she's been in a down mood recently, and I can't figure out why.  I just haven't been communicating with her as much because I have nothing to gain from it, and while I worry about her, if she isn't willing to say, "this is what's bothering me" than I can't help and all advice from everyone is generic and doesn't accomplish anything... but what do I know...

I guess more soon...

522: Investing too much of myself to nothing.

So I had this want to call her last night, and I just didn't. I also wanted or felt the need to get a drink last night and I didn't.  I also woke up at 7am this morning, when I don't have to be at work until 3pm... this is a terrible feeling, as I will undoubtedly run out of gas before that.  Unfortunate, too, as I have my boss and his boss coming to my store tonight for the launch of LA Noire, and then tomorrow, I'm supposed to possibly have THEIR boss coming to my store...yeesh.

Anyway, I feel that I'm at the end of trying to feel for something that isn't really there.  I'm not anticipating gaining anything from how I feel for someone in this specific situation, as I've already run most of the outcomes through my head, and really feel like Tony Stark at the beginning of Civil War...a futurist.

Isn't it weird when you have all the answers, know what the proper solution is, but because you've deduced that through logic, it has to be thrown out the window because it isn't about logic, it's about emotion, and the feelings you have.

If I were able to just convert the feelings to understand the logic, I'd already be moving to the next situation. Oh well, guess that's part of my self management that needs to be worked on as well.

I'm finding myself getting pissed off at the situation from the other night. Not because I didn't do anything, but because the asshole gets a pass for talking shit about defenseless people. Everyone gets to choose how they live their life, but for fuck's sake...really? I just don't get people.

Argh...I'm sure my mind will still be on this later...

521: Calm before a storm or two...

Apparently, I upgraded the look of blogger, LOL and didn't even realize it.  I've been thinking of adding some Vlogging to the site, since all I have to do is click that little button and add videos, now.  I dunno, though, because normally, when I'm typing on here, I'm a little "less than appropriate," as I am typically not "business casual" while typing.

The rewrite on BEFORE THE DAWN is coming along. I almost want to just scan the original proposal in, as I said it was 10 years old, but it has to be older than that, because it was before Smallville started, and that show, having just finished it's tenth season, had to have been going longer than that, with hiatus' and how seasons linger into the new year, etc. 

My LIKE page on Facebook (search Rob Potchak, it's the hand drawn art one), has 262 likes, and I'd like to increase that. I have stated for every 50 new LIKES, I will give free artwork away. I think this is a pretty swank offer, but what do I know? People always want me to draw something, but they never want to pay for it?  Did it take time for me to do it? Yes. Did I put an effort into making you look good in it? Yes.  Why can photographers get paid for it, and anyone with another talent just gets brushed to the side as, "oh, nice hobby, can you draw ...?"

I'm in a bit of a mood today, as my poker game got cut short with this hand... I had in the pocker Ace, Seven. I call the raise because it's just two people.  Flop comes up: Queen Seven Seven...Three of a kind. I've stoned the other player. Now, rope him in...I check, he bets, I raise, he calls.  Next card, a nine. He bets, I raise, he calls. WTF does he have? River, a Jack.  He checks, I go all in, he calls and yells, "I flopped a straight..." He had King Ten, so he did WIN the hand, but are you serious? You flopped GARBAGE... you kept betting it...and while you were dominated, you basically took about a 2.5% chance, and ended up catching it.  ANY other of those cards shows up other than an inside straight jack, on the river, and I double up and the rest of the game goes differently. 

I have to work today, tomorrow, a midnight opening the next night and then on Tuesday. Originally I was working through Thursday, but now, my assistant manager has explained that he has an engagement party on Saturday that HE NEVER REQUESTED OFF FOR...Really? How the fuck am I supposed to know you want the time off when you didn't follow the request for time off rules?!  Am I being too hard on the situation? I don't think so. This is like the 4th time he's had an issue with the schedule, and his statement was, "I didn't get a chance to talk to you about my schedule before you wrote it..." you are right, because you didn't follow the guidelines.  I should make him work that shit. I feel for the kid, I really do, but this is like the third time he's fucked with a weekend off for me because he didn't follow a VERY SIMPLE RULE.

Anyway. I need to actually get ready for work, and figure out what to do with no money, since my debit card was left in a cash machine, I believe...God, I'm an idiot sometimes.

520: Emotionally Intelligent? Or am I preparing for emotional letdown, again?

So I took a test yesterday as part of the book I'm reading (Emotional Intelligence 2.0) required, and here are the results of it vs. people in the same age bracket and work field:


Overall Emotional Intelligence: 82.0%
Your overall emotional intelligence score of 86 is higher than 82.0% of Male ages 30-39 living in North America with a job function of Sales and with a job title of Manager.
Personal Competence
76.0%    Self-Awareness
Your score of 85 is higher than 76.0% of Male ages 30-39 living in North America with a job function of Sales and with a job title of Manager.
57.0%    Self-Management
Your score of 79 is higher than 57.0% of Male ages 30-39 living in North America with a job function of Sales and with a job title of Manager.
Social Competence
85.5%    Social Awareness
Your score of 87 is higher than 85.5% of Male ages 30-39 living in North America with a job function of Sales and with a job title of Manager.
93.5%    Relationship Management
Your score of 93 is higher than 93.5% of Male ages 30-39 living in North America with a job function of Sales and with a job title of Manager.




Why is this important? It allows me to see that while there is still areas for improvement in my own management ability (especially in the Self Management category), I have a very keen understanding in how to run a business, but also, an even stronger sense in how to read people, feel them out, and keep a strong running business.
This is all wonderful, until we try to shift it to personal life. Why am I saying this? It appears that I am more socially aware of things than I am self-aware, implying I know more about what's going on AROUND me, than I necessarily know about myself. Almost as if, I know your emotions, and can use them to my advantage, but when turned around, and needing to utilize my own, I do not do it in nearly the same fashion…hence…


We'll use my current personal turmoil. With "Girl," was able to understand that she had a serious doubt about her recent decision, only two weeks after making the decision. She said things like she shouldn't have wanted space when trying to deal with the passing of a friend, but she didn't know how to ask for anything else. She knew she didn't want to push me away, and felt my words were pushing her away, or at least that's what she said. Now, when you add that to the changing in old boy's behavior when he's had a few drinks and discussed her with his family, she questions a decision that was so clear cut, just a short while ago. But while she was questioning the decision, she would not SAY she was questioning the decision, and her "look" and her lack of decision making forced me to do one of two things…make a move, or tell her I'd respect her original decision until she decides it was wrong. I could tell her I felt she made the wrong decision, but my opinion of it is bias, and all semi-intelligent amoebas could see that.
In a way, I had the same hiccup she did. In my work environment, we call this STAR vs. STARAR…
SiTuation + Action = Result vs. SiTuation+Action=Result +Alternate action = new Result.
Basically, the definition of insanity vs. the realization that a new action must be taken to get a different result.
Now, in a workforce environment, this is easier implemented. In an personal environment, you have specific things your mind builds around, buffers, disconnects and bumps in the road that have led you to the decisions you make.
Here, I made the decision to NOT do something and respect her, instead of trying to make a move on her that would have given her the ability to react in a way that I could see she wanted, but then the alternative result could have been different than sitting there for 2 hours and talking… ie, could have been good, like she tell me that I am right and she needs to make the right decision; she could have felt an extreme amount of guilt, shied away and left a lot faster, or I could have been totally wrong on my read (which I don't for a second believe), and she could have told me that I was completely wrong, called me an ass for making a pass at a vulnerable woman, and left in disgust.
Obviously, there are many other possible results that could have come up, here, but the general rule is the most logical decisions are just that, though when it comes to emotion, there's no real way to tell which result will come, and because of that, I typically choose the result before the alternative action can take place…ie, the simple road, and due to that, I think I'm setting myself up for emotional letdown.
Sure, I liked the result…talking to someone I'm interested in for 2 hours, just me and her, letting my opinion of what's going on with her out in the open and discussing my feelings when this is something I haven't done since my ex-wife. I'm opening up to a person who has the same disconnects, but while I'm opening up, she's sitting there and staying hardshelled and wall built, stating "I've never been allowed to say what I'm feeling, so I can't."
My actions make me want to push the situation, be closer to her, so I can help mold the decisions, but I'm not sure that's fair.
I explained it like the movie INCEPTION. In the movie, the idea is to place a base fragment of a memory in someone's brain so they believe the idea is theirs, it grows, so a decision can be made that is different from any decision they may've come up with on their own. With Girl, this is probably what I'm doing.
I know she has feelings for me, but I want to mold those feelings so that she knows that I was the right choice, vs. the guy she's known for years, had something special with and now, shortly after they've rekindled, already having some serious issues with. The idea is to make myself into the better man, have her realize SHE came up with that distinction, and have her make the decision.
Is it a mind game? Yes. Why would it not be, everything else in the cat and mouse game is, why would this be any different? Problem is, the history she shares with him gives him mulligans that I just have not built up, and thus, it's not only an uphill battle, but a damned near impossible one if the guy never makes another mistake…
Then I'm just the oddball left out.

519: Keys to the castle

I'm almost wondering if I should change the name of this blog to the subject line, because that's pretty much what this is...the keys to the inner me. Hell, I even took the dissection of Rob and made it into my online dating profile because I figured it was better to be real, and let people know what they are getting into ahead of time.

---

So last night was an interesting one. Besides hitting up two different bars and having a good time with different people, I watched my buddy Tino sing a set, and then got to the Fox to sing two songs, and then it got interesting.

The girl I have been writing about (whom I refer to as girl, because it really isn't fair to talk about her by name), was at the Fox and I asked if everything was okay. She had written a msg on her facebook page talking about people's true colors, and while a part of me thought she may've been talking about me, but overall, I knew I hadn't done anything or said anything since the week prior, so I wanted to see what she meant.

She told me she "guessed" she was alright, but her dude had said hurtful things to her, regarding not just herself, but others in her life, and then claimed it was a drunken stupor rant and that he didn't remember any of it.

I gave her a warning statement that I was going to say something, and I would tell her whether I liked her or not in a more than friend kinda way (because that's how ballsy I am, lol). I said, "when people are drunk, the truth comes out. To claim he doesn't remember is cowardice, and it isn't something you need."

I didn't really say much else, but when we left, I walked her to her car, and the two of us just kinda sat down and started talking...well, her listening more than talking. She looked at me and was like, "what, Rob?" so I just went ahead and told her, "You made the wrong decision." We talked for another hour an a half after that, and it was just a talk, with quips at everything she had said to me. I learned some things, like the fact that after her friend passed away, she felt I tried to push her away, which I am not sure how, when I said I think that was reversed. I told her I would give her whatever she needed at that point, whether it be a hug, a shoulder, or space. I wasn't sure what she wanted, and she chose door number 3, and last night told me that space wasn't the right choice.

I pointed out that the reason a lot of what I said sounded like it came off wrong is because the one thing we didn't do was talk on the phone or in person about it, and I think that it was misconstrued. I told her that my statement to "celebrate the person's life" is because that's what the person looking down on you would want...not all the crying and hubbub. I said, if anyone understands this, it's me, because my grandmother passed on my birthday and then I received the birthday card from her later in the week. Anyway, getting back to it...

The main point I was getting at was because she didn't tell me HOW to be there for her, I couldn't, and I can't take all the blame, but I was still wrong for not SAYING it and just typing it.

We continued talking, and she started giving me "the look." I told her to stop, and she was like, "I'm just lookin at you." and we both knew she wasn't. I diverted attention to the fact that technically, she "had a man," and that the look she was giving me was going to get someone in trouble. I made a couple jokes and got real laughter out of her, and commented on it, saying, "Yeah, that's all me. I bet it's been a long while since you laughed like that...it's because I'm a funny mother fucker."

She told me her hurt wall was back up, but she rested her head on my shoulder. We just sat there, and every time I'd ask her what she was thinking, she would clam up. So I told her to just say something, and she goes, "Trees are green." ...I corrected her, "Trees are brown, leaves are green. Duh." more laughter.

I got the look again, and I said that I had too much respect for her to try to make a move while she was "with someone else."

At about 3:45am, we said our goodbyes, she said she'd let me know when she got home...and she still hasn't. ...let me know...maybe she hasn't gotten home yet...I dunno. I'm probably going to wait a tad longer (like noon), and call her to make sure she did get home, because as the nice asshole I am, I was a tad worried.

518: 2 hours before work

Just some random quick thoughts:

- I hope the WWE turns Christian heel after his title loss and keeps him in the title picture. I want a good heel, though, one who thinks he's righteous, so before you know it, he turns face again and you love him even though you are supposed to boo him...y'know...like the ROCK.

- Lots of changes happening at the day job, and I worry for my boss. I think he sees the door closing on him, and it has a lot to do with his other managers. I was upset that my store fell from 99 in the company (out of 4400) to 223 this past week because of one bad week. But the ONE BAD WEEK, was absolutely the worst week my store has had in years. Sad thing is, most stores would have killed for a week at 3027. Notice the difference there?

- I got an invite to Nintendo's E3 press conference, so I am now on the list and just have to get myself to their shuttle pickup to go to it. I'm SUPER excited as they will be showing a NEW console for the first time since the Wii! WOWSERS!

- I haven't drawn anything in a while and feel as though I need to do more freehand work, instead of just the photorealistic work.

- My new attitude on things seems to be a hit, LOL. I am enjoying just being myself, but I really don't have a shut off valve for my mouth right now, so watch out. I feel if I were to meet some new people, I may be the hit of THEIR party, too.

- I have started watching Dr. Who (the new version), and I have to say, it seems like stupid british genius. I'm only two episodes in, but it's wacky and has a 70's Buck Rogers feel to it.

- I can't wait for White Collar's return. Or Burn Notice. Or The League.

- My dog won't stop whining and it is really beginning to piss me off. It's just damned annoying.

- You should play Portal 2.

- ach, time to bolt.

517: the empty hole again.

feeling a bit low
trying to pull back up
thinking I'm too good
to be held back
taking my beatings
licking my wounds
drawing from my heart
seeing the world in new light
power radiates
burning from within
knowing I'm better
waiting for someone to see
that's why I'm me
in this empty hole again

---

Did I expect to write poetry tonight? No. Why should I? I haven't written anything like that in a very long time, nor do I typically feel prosey. As you can tell, the words I write in poetry are just fractioned sentences, feelings poured on the page. I don't consider myself good at writing poetry because I don't follow any of the rules.

The reason for this entry is because while I know I'm busting my ass at work and trying to sustain life as I know it, I am finding myself more and more listless. I want something else, and I'm starting to crave it, in a desperate frame, if you will. While I'm not begging or anything like that, I can feel the heart wander and demand, while I still sit back, holding myself back from going out and getting what I want.

I've started saying what I want and how I feel, but I am still not all there with that way of living. I am moving into that role, being me, liking me and selling me for top dollar. I'd love to just dive in, but my approach is babysteps, here...even though I know it CAN'T be.

oh well, what'cha gonna do?

516: on my mind...Dissection of Rob:Body and Mind

So I get told these things all the time...stop me if you have heard them all:

1- You are a great guy, and someday, you'll make a woman very happy

2- You are cool people, and I like hanging out with you

3- Why are you single?

4- With all your talents, I can't believe you aren't with someone

So it's easy to dissect them, because all of these statements have come from women that I've been close to, wanted to be close to, or are just friends that have opinions that matter to me. Actually, some of them are just random girls I know, as well, but I hear these things constantly?

The rumor that it will find you if you aren't looking is NOT true. That's the biggest bunch of bullshit I've ever heard. What I don't get, though, is if I'm such a catch...why haven't I been caught? Many people would take this as a sign of depression, the ol' woe is me approach, but seriously...what am I missing, what am I lacking, and why, in the eyes of women who let me in the front door as a friend, am I really that great of a guy that will make someone happy?

I have no answers to any of these questions. Here's how I typically look at myself:

We'll start with my negative feelings about myself
I'm 33 years old
pale complexion with freckles
25 pounds overweight right now
when it comes to saying what I like, I'm shy. I have a hard time going to start the convo.
I'm short. 5'8"
I work in a field that is dominated by male customers, so women are hard to come by, and when they do, it's normally for their man.
I'm honest to a fault (some of these are huge positives, as well, mind you).
I'm a nerd, geek, and want someone who is not against these things (video games, comics, pro-wrestling, sports, scifi, horror, etc)
I'm T-shirt and Jeans...
I don't drive (currently)

Okay, I've downtrodden myself enough here, so let's go with the positives:
I am loyal
I'm devoted
I have an ungodly amount of charisma
I am brutually honest
I WILL make you laugh
I can sing
I can write
I can draw
I am outgoing to where I bring the party
I am good with kids
I love dogs
I love my family
I love my friends

So let's break this down...notice: EVERY single one of my "flaws" is physical and EVERY positive is something that you have to see or get to know. You can't beat those odds, because I know that while those are the things in my mind, it stems back to a long time before that, when I would hear it.

This is why I've taken my current approach of "Love me or hate me, I'm still me...and I WILL show (tell) you that." It isn't much different than how I've always been, but truth is, I am going to start telling you I think you are attractive, and I think I'm even going to start telling people that they are missing out, and you know why?

Because every girl polled knows it, and maybe its time the rest the them did, too.

Woot.

515: I don't feel like being on the computer all day, so about last night...

So last night was the first time I'd seen "the girl" since she decided to re-hook with a former interest and left me in the rain. No sweat, I'm actually okay with it, but it was a little on the awkward side when she comes up, gives me a hug, and just stops talking with him, asks me how my trip was, and tell me she was jealous I went to Yankee stadium...oh, then introduced me.

But what was funny about the whole situation, I shook his hand as I was leaving and as I left the bar, he followed me out and stopped me to chat. I don't know if I just didn't want to like the guy or whatever the case may be, but...this dude was boring. He just started talking about nothing, and it seemed that maybe, besides her, he wanted to have a friend here...and I just think I'd sympathize for him, but I couldn't help but yawn at him.

She came outside, and looked cold, I of course, wearing a jacket and offer it to her, she declines and then HE insists she take it...LOL, really? He wanted to continue talking about just random nothings. She's freezing, wearing my jacket and he wants to just continue with the blah blah blah.

He walked away to put out his smoke, and she kinda looked at me and shrugged her shoulders.

Wow...I guess if they really have something special when they are alone, that's one thing, but while I was worried about having things in common, I just think this guy's best act is to put others to sleep at night.

I know I sound like I'm hating, and I'm not trying to, but the reason why people like me is the personality, and he just seemed to be sorely lacking. The kind of guy that won't sing at the karaoke bar, while standing to watch with his arms crossed like he's ready to go.

And having been the person that found that lost love after a long layover somewhere else... it normally doesn't work out the second time for the same reasons it didn't the first time. The only problem is, you try to keep it going much longer the second time...and then it breaks you even harder.

It's no big deal, I've decided I'm just gonna be me and enjoy myself. I felt like a million bucks when I got back from vacation, and it's time to punch the depression in the mouth. Sure, coming home alone to the pups is a little disheartening, but I think I've put up a front and don't try to talk to people when I probably should...I want to try something else, and think I'm going to.

514: Try again...

There are no words to really describe how you feel about your oldest friends. Brother, "My boys" etc. Often times we do not say we love them, but you know it. The same can be said about a budding relationship that builds over time. You know it, they know it, but it isn't until it's said that it takes a foothold.

John explained to me that the first time he took Raquel out, he had started kinda seeing someone. But it wasn't until a few days after his first date with Raquel, when she called him to tell him she had a nice time that it took that hold. Me, I would have thought it would have been after she said yes to the first date being an AC/DC concert... I mean, that should have had john putting a ring on her finger there.

I don't know when they became a couple officially, but I
know that when I meant Raquel, john was trying to say it wasn't serious, while in a juvenile way was kinda motioning "check out what I landed! YEAH!"

John's always been very meat and potatoes...at least up til about 2-3 years ago, when he started traveling the world, and getting more cultured than his "Roll Tide" persona. He will probably disagree, but I bet it had to do with impressing someone.

I don't know Raquel well,  but you can see that these two really enjoy each other, respect each other and finally, love each other.

They don't seem to question each other, they simply stand by each other knowing that they can handle anything that stands in their way. John's a special guy and Raquel must be special as well, for these two to have found each other and built a bond that stand the test of time.

None of us lose here, folks...we all gain. Some gain a son, others a daughter, a brother or a sister, or even those not related, gaining another piece to our lifelong friendsbips...Let's ring them in with a toast and wish them a lifetime of happiness.

513: The speech.

I'm going to write a little into this, a heads up if you will.

John and I have known each other for well over a decade, and he's probably the only friend I have never had a fight with. I'm not sure why, we have seen each other at our best and at what was probably each other's worst. We've seen each other go through nasty break ups, and even both got dumped on "Independence Day."

While most of our long conversations consist of sports, I know he's heard me break down, and I'm pretty sure I've heard him do it as well.  Anyway, he's one of my best friends, and I probably should have known my marriage wouldn't last when he told me he couldn't make it. So let's try to write a speech.

Hmm...I have writers block. Haha...let's get back to it.

512: Okay, time to get passed it...

So I'm telling myself I have to get passed the situation because I have a feeling I'm going to see her more often than I'd like, because at least our Wednesday social circles overlap, and I want to believe she was being honest on her "don't want to hurt you" statement. I do think that if she liked what was happening between us, it should have been the other guy she told she had something with someone else, but whatever. I know long distance things don't work, but I don't know what her deal is and I guess I shouldn't care, either...so I am going to move away from this.

Today, first day I was in NY, and it really felt good. I hadn't seen John in about two years and what's great is we just get along, give our opinions and our friendship has always been a shining spotin my life and I am honored and privileged to be his best man this weekend. Our trip to Atlantic City tomorrow is gonna be a crazy go round, though I've got to be careful with the money, as I really don't have any to waste, and I'll still be wasting some of it, lol.

Other friends show up tomorrow and while it has a chance to be THE HANGOVER, I don't think it will ever get that crazy, but what do I know?

Raquel, John's fiancee, seems great for him as they just get along and compliment each other well, which is good. I have seen him put himself out there in other relationships and this time, I think that it really has to do with the compliment feelig that drew him to her and he told me a story of how he met her and how he knew he wanted to continue talking to her after she called him back and told him she enjoyed it. She reached out and he liked that. He wasn't chasing her and she wasn't chasing him. It was a partnership from launch, and that's what he needed.

Wonder if I'll ever find that for myself...since I am not just "fun to chill with, " I typically make the party what it is.

511: Should I be hurting or feeling this much?

Over the past 24 hours, I have given people access to this blog that I normally think I would have just kept to myself, so that they may see how I felt, and what happened that made me think something was starting, before the train of fear detailed whatever may've been going on.

The people I discussed it with all said I had a reason to be not just upset, but mad, because they know I don't let the emotions start unless it is seemingly going to be worth the ride.

When I would look in her eyes, I saw something, sure, but I do think she mistook something, and I believe that I'm being true by saying I never asked for a relationship from her, but to see where a blossom was headed. The playfulness of the situation was new, fresh and witty to me. Sure, it made me feel things I hadn't felt in years for someone, but that led to excitement of all possibilties.

If I tried to put myself in her shoes, a single mom of two, who had been hurt not just emotionally, but physically, than I am 100% different than those that came before me, so psychologically, am something completely different than what she is used to or understands. (Hm, why do I tend to choose the broken projects? Maybe I'll come back to this in a minute or another post) I get the fear from her, but not the lying veil to create space.

Maybe I am part of the problem, too. My emotions here did not create a lash out, but a need for understanding and a desire for the truth. I have a strong personality. I know this, but I pretty much give everything to those I care about (at least in my mind) and give my opinion ALL the time (for better or worse ). It is who I am, and is definitely an underlying theme of this blog, if you hadn't noticed. Maybe she felt I was asking too much of her, or more than she is willing to open up, even though to me, that isn't an issue because I am an open book. I really do believe that being honest is key, and here there was already someone doing their damndest to NOT be honest.

The topic of this entry was whether I should be hurt or mad at her for this situation. If she really looked someone else in the eye and saw love at first (re)sight, I guess that's one thing. And even then, just TELL ME. I am a goddamned man, and I handle the truth better than most because I demand it. She fell into the normal trappings of wanting to ease her pain, and I think she expected me to get mad at her for it, and all I did was say, I wish you have just told me. At thhat moment, I don't think I was mad, but now, I am not so sure.

I'm bummed, that much is for certain, because, with my heart on my sleeve, it got sneezed on, the nose wiped and then thrown away, rather than embraced, or at least continued on with its innocence.

I have been told it's her loss by male and female friends alike, and while the sentiment is nice, they give me too much credit. I am a good guy, yes, but not without fault. Do I deserve someone nice, loving, and caring that "gets" me, sure, I think everyone does, unless they are a fucking prick, to which I don't feel they deserve the ground where they stand.

Alas, I am preparing to board a plane, knowing that while I am hurt, I have to bury that to send my bachelor friend off to marital bliss, and knowing that two other close friends also cemented their relationship foundation with an engagement this week. Good for all of them, I am happy, proud, and glad to be a part of the rides. This trip couldn't come at a better time bit I'm hoping I can be the ME I am rather than the me I am right this moment.

I guess I will continue to ponder whether I should be mad or not. I still haven't figured out whyI actually car about it this much...

511: Decisions made for you...move on or wallow in selfpity

Don't you love when you don't have to make the decision and it makes sense...like on a date, one person determines the type of food they will eat, or when you go to the movies, bowling, or even at work, someone makes the decision for you. It can work out great...

Or it can make you feel like shit.

Case in point. Last night, I was blown off by the girl I had been communicating with, feeling out the dating process, etc. Now, it wasn't your typical blow off. She still allowed me to sit next to her with a group of people, but something was wrong, and very standoff-ish. Someone with a substandard intellect could have seen that the same cuteness was gone. You know, along with the text messaging, whatever. So I finally asked, "you mad at me?" "No," was the reply. My retort, "Well, if you want me to leave, I will..." "Nah, you're cool to chill with." .......REALLY?

I'm not an idiot. I'm not exactly a rarebreed genius, but communications ARE my strong suit, as it allows me to excel in my chosen field. This is far from the feeling out the dating process line.

So, the night continues, and as her defenses subside with alcohol. new ones present themselves. Some in the form of other people, some in the form of moving from one table to another where she isn't sitting directly next to me.

Tino finished playing his set, and as everyone left, it was time for confrontation. I looked right at her, and she said that when she flew up to Maine to bury her friend, she rekindled something with someone that started like 6 years ago, and that she didn't feel anything like that for me.

The decision was made before anything could begin. I was told by a girl that less than two weeks ago was slipping up in her words like a highschool girl with her first crush, that there was nothing. Best part, she wouldn't look me in the eye. First rule of denial. She tells me she's sorry, and I ask why? "Because I like you as a friend, and I didn't want to hurt you." This time I get the eye contact. Her words are true there, after something she wasn't fully honest about. I turn to her and ask, "Well, if there wasn't anything there, how could I be hurt?"

I told her I was happy for her if she had found happiness, and she stated something along the lines that I helped her get there, as well as the untimeliness of her travels. I am not sure how a blooming SOMETHING with a person led you to full-blown romance with someone else, and I'd not care to find out.

At this point, her eye contact was more previlent, as if she were trying to make sure I was okay, while reassuring me that it wasn't me, and that it was her. Yes, I went there with this. Her speech was filled with a thick Maine accent, that really felt like it was more remembered than true.

Throughout the night, I found her minorly insulting different things I enjoyed, digging to push away, and now I knew why...a long distance relationship. Humorous as it may be, I held it together, not really one for emotion in these types of situations. I DID, however, laugh at her when she told me she didn't feel anything for me, and she asked, "why are you laughing?" Why not. While maybe not a bold faced lie, it wasn't the truth, and anyone that had seen us together, hanging out, knew that was the case. I'm not sure what made it feel right, but it did...

So anyway, I gave her a hug, and now, at 3:15am, she looked at me, tilting her head, I explained to her it's all in the eyes, and she didn't understand. I explained that my latest drawing of eyes were hers, and they said something different than the words coming from her lips. She let out a "hmph" and a sigh, to which I asked her to explain the sound, and she let me know that it would take another hour to explain, and then deflected by stating she had to be home to pick up her kids in a few short hours.

I told her fine, and she reiterated being sorry, and asked if we could be friends. I told her I liked her again, and said I wasn't sure about the friend thing. I told her it should be possible, if there really wasn't anything there, but who knows.

I can say, I'm glad I get to go to NY and get my head out of anything close to this for a week. My facebook status update explained my feelings in pure words:

Life's too short, I'm too old, looks like its back to the drawing board. I'll go ahead and sound conceited and say it isn't my loss, but the two weeks of nice change that I gained. Too bad the exploration ends on the surface, instead of really getting on the inside. Here's to tomorrow, friends.

Part of that statement, I'd be saying, looking you in the eye...the other part, I'd turn my attention away, because it isn't all true. But I have to start believing it, just as she has to start believing it was nothing.

510: Conclusions made...

So I'm reading this book that my day-job boss gave me, called Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and it is out there to really get you into the understanding that while being a genius can help you with the realization of potential, it's those that figure out how to apply that to everyday thinking that creates success. It is an interesting source material and I wonder how I should apply it to my everyday thinking. Obviously, I just started reading the thing, so I assume that I still need to read the whole thing to grasp it, and not even in its entirety.

Some conclusions about what's going on with me have been made. Some BY me, some apparently for me without equivocation. We all saw that I started writing about someone and began enjoying FEELING something again. Well, it all stopped, suddenly, and without my knowledge, it seems. This seemed to be going well, and she had a tragedy strike. Pardon me if I've written this much into the blog to date, but since then, we had two times that we were chatting and now, a full seven days later, there is NO COMMUNICATION back towards me from her.

I understand that people grieve differently, and I've apologized for telling her how I would have tried to handle the tragedy now, after having lived through a couple from people that were close to me...I understand that this was something I shouldn't have done without first being asked for said opinion, and that's why I apologized. I knew that while what I was saying may not have been wrong, it was not my place to say what I would do, something in my work field and typically in my life field, I have to do on the regular...so I apologized, and still, nothing. I tend to believe this means one of two things...

1) Leave her alone so she can continue to grieve on her own time and at some point, if there was anything, it will begin again if I haven't moved towards something else...

2) She decided that she wants nothing to do with a 33 yr old male who likes her and is worried about her after the tragedy and she wants to get through it with just those closest to her, since things were just starting between us.

I don't know which one is the answer, but I know my rebuttal...I'm going to continue to live my life. If she shows up and I'm somewhere, I'll deal with it...handle it...or do what I always do, and not make a scene and just be me and go on like nothing happened. Who knows, I really don't know what I'd do, except that I'm going to continue to do the things I do, because I shouldn't put my life aside while I wait for someone to figure out that I'm an awesome person to be around and wants to know what's going on with them...

Yes, that was the arrogance coming out that everyone knows I exude. Call it my charm, call it my humor...but make sure, you call it me. And I'm not going to stop being the guy I am now because I actually like me.

Success in everything...and nothing...all at the same time.

509: More thoughts bummin me...

So I think what may have been starting with someone is over. My own fault, really, trying to be something to someone when we weren't at that level. I screwed it up, but in a way that it shouldn't be "done" but apparently it is. I'm getting no feedback, and I'm really hacked in it.

Anyway, I downloaded the droid app to start posting, so you may start seeing more but shorter posts...who knows, maybe not, too :).

508: To give up or not...?

So, that girl I kinda dug...well, I must have pissed her off, because suddenly, I'm getting no responses from her while she's dealing with a personal tragedy. I said something she didn't like, and while I tried to make her understand what I meant by what I said, I don't think she followed, and well, I guess I don't know her well enough to try to be a friend in this situation.

I don't know what to do here...but this type of thing urges me to want to try and fix the issue, but everyone is different here and if she is still grieving, she's got to have time for that...I know this, and I'm being unselfish, but I need to know if I should keep trying, or if I should just let it blow over, and start over, someone new...yada yada.

She needs her time and space, obviously, but I'm also wondering if this is going to be where she'll still show up at the same place as me one night and we'll just see where that goes...

I dunno. I'm freaking out over this, and I suddenly seem depressed, when I'm really not.

I dunno...I just keep wrapping my head around this really big zit...I just wish it would pop one way or the other...

507: 100% or nothing

I run everything in my life pretty much the same way. I give it everything, or I just don't do it. Work, relationships, hobbies...you name it, I bust my hump for it. Sometimes, it puts people off because they don't understand the headfirst slide into home...me...it's just how I roll.

The people that love me for it are wonderful...but I don't think everyone "gets it." So, due to that, the relationships I build tend to be for life, the ones that break tend to be forever and the ones that come back is typically because they learned a valuable lesson.

I'd walk on fire coals for people that I know care about me...why? It's engrained into me. It's how I feel. It's how I live.

506: not even an "oopsy"

I've made mistakes. I'm normally TOO man enough to accept them...but recently, I can't help but feel I've made some recent ones I can't take back...just me stating that, here, is more than enough to make others think that as a person...I'm growing...yet, for when it matters most, I think I've already made some of the mistakes that prevent me from moving forward.

How? ...I just opened my big mouth.

Why? I don't know...my mouth just opens sometimes.

Do I deserve forgiveness? Maybe.

Do I want it? Uncontrollably...yes. I don't know know, but I want to be forgiven and moved forward, rather than stepping back...sad but true.

Who knows where this is headed? We'll see shortly, I'm sure...?

Too bad, I had just started enjoying the situation outside of my norm.

505: How I roll...

So I'm feeling all out of sorts, and I'm not sure why. Butterflies in the stomach are NOT something I'm known for but yesterday, I had a terrible day at work, and it wasn't because anyone said or did something, it just was. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, except I did more work than I usually do, school kids are out right now, which means heavier business flow than usual, and no help to get more done. I even did a drawing yesterday of Batman, where I went for a Frank Miller meets Neal Adams piece. I used Gerard Butler as the face, and yes, I can tell the proportion looks funny, but that's kinda out the reference looked. Also, I know the right side of the mask seems off, but here it is anyway...and since I always use ink for the works, there's no real correction available without caking on the whiteout.

Today, I want to be a better day than yesterday, but I'm still outta whack. Not sure why, but I'm blaming short-timer syndrome, more work than usual and not feeling special, lol.

Yes, I noticed when I brought the blog back for it's latest go round that I've started using TXT speak, and oh well, it isn't like anyone's reading the damned thing, anyway, and if they are, I can't understand why...Sappy guy talks comics and being really bad at relationships...sounds like a winner to me...?

Gotta get my head in the game, probably need to punch a wall til my hand bleeds...that normally gets the adrenaline going...even if it makes it so I want to kill someone even more...just talk, there folks, I have no tendency for that, just a temper :).

504: Preparing for work, and just more mindlessness

I am a week from a vacation, something I haven't done in a year, and I finally feel like I'm burning on both ends of the candle with work. I got my review, I wasn't exactly satisfied with the score, but I'm cool with the end result. My rent is about to go up, and I have to ask, why is it that apartments are the only real company that can offer a brand new person a discount, but not the people that are comfortable and are willing to stay? I mean, even cell phone companies offer customers the same deal as new customers if they stay satisfied long enough. What gives?! So, it looks like my rent will be going up about $50 per month for the year...sheesh. I want to start writing a book again. I've had some ideas, even pressed the old publisher to see if anything would be to my liking, but alas, he wasn't sold on my reboot of a classic idea, and while he said he'd resubmit LANDIS to his agents, without any controlling interest, he isn't nearly as excited to do so, and who can blame him? Gears of War 3's beta is up and active, and I tried it out, and even posted my initial thoughts on Facebook about it, in a quick snippet, it's good...dern good. But the people on there are already getting themselves up to level 15, and I'm a lowly level one. I did my my curbstomps in, though, so it wasn't all bad. I just wish I personally had more time to do more with it, than an hour here and an hour there kinda stuff. At least I played it before the Bulletstorm buyers, and next week, it'll get real flooded with the GameStop preorder customers joining the fray. Think I need to find an alternative source of income. I'm finding that until I get either my car or my debt paid off, I still have a problem living on the income I bring in personally. I don't think this will be an issue at all after next July, when my car gets paid off, but damn it'd be nice to get rid of a $300 payment for something I can't even take advantage of now. Add in the almost $200 in insurance a month and 25% of my income is gone from something I can't even use... sheesh. Oh well, is what it is, I guess. Just gotta be more responsible with the little bit of cash I have, but with this being me, I am not sure that's a possibility :). With that all said...I'm out for now.

503rd Blog: Day of movies, typing and not much else

So I weeped my eyes out earlier to nobody reading, haha, and now I still have this itch to write more that no one else will read, unless they do a search for Rob Potchak, and then they might actually stumble into it, but if they are doing a search for me, I guess it's okay, and I probably WANT them to know more about me, lol. So I watched this movie earlier called "This Girl's Life" and it was about an internet pornstar who's contract is up, she's got another one on the table, as well as she's trying to understand why 99% of guys if given the offer to cheat with a hottie will accept, while 99% of women in the same position will tell the men to fuck off, so she starts a "Would you cheat" business. The movie was interesting, filled with nudity from her "profession," but the interesting part was really the role James Woods played in the film. The lead actress was Juliette Marquis, who I guess I could look up on IMDB if I wanted to see more, because she was simply stunning, which is why she pulled the role so well. James Woods actually plays her ill father, who has horrible Parkinsons, and he plays the part fabulously. Rosario Dawson also plays a small role, as does Michael Rappaport. Woods stole the movie with his representation of a failing man just remarkable. The rest of the movie was questionable, but what are you going to do on a Sunday when you don't want to do real work? I also finally watched the final episode of 24 ever, and have to say, I was a little disappointed. I didn't even watch like the last 6-8 episodes, and I really didn't feel like I missed much, which is sad that the show was that predictable. I remember a Playboy interview with Sutherland stating that he could see the show continuing without him (this was during Season 3), if they had the right actor to take his spot, similar to the LAW AND ORDER series. Obviously, Fox thought differently. Finally, I decided to watch FROM PARIS WITH LOVE from Luc Besson, more recognized for Leon: The Professional and La Femme Nikita, and more recently, Taken. Travolta is pretty insane in it which is funny, and Jonathan Rhies Myers is hysterical trying to not have a Brit accent. Definitely not the pace that you normally see from Besson, but its pretty good so far. Pretty humorous that they are supposed to be Agents, and Myers is running around with a vase. Alrigh, I'm thinking about that first movie again. It does interest me what they spoke about, the 99er, as they called it. I don't think I'd be one of the guys, but we all want to say that. If this woman were to have asked me, then even though part of me would be asking to see her last test to make sure she was clean, I know it would not be easy to pass. I'm a man, I have urges, and I do believe that it's hard for me, as a man, to always believe I can be the better man. An average woman when I've got a good thing going? That's a different story, similar to throwing away the phone number. I know that if I'm putting the effort into something, that its kinda what I want... sure, that may be a "right now" situation, but I tend to know what I'm going for. alright...here's sappy coming out again...I really miss what its like having someone wanting you around...arms around you, warmth of the skin, all that. Yup, there, I said it. I am lonely. didn't think I was until I remembered what it was like to have someone tell me they like me...anyway, ... hm. Maybe I'll continue this later.

My 502nd Blog...Yowsa. Confessions of a guy who doesn't understand dating.

I think about a lot of things WAY TO MUCH. In fact, part of the reason to have a blog is the ability to spill your guts about something that you probably don't want to talk to everyone about, and sometimes it's just downright private...however, able to be found on the internet, apparently, lol. I'm a very OPEN person when it comes to what's going on in my head, but that doesn't stop the fact that sometimes, you should get it out, leave it out, so you don't continue to think about it and drive you crazy. When I get something or someone in my head, I try to make it or them everything I'm about. That's why when I'm writing a project and I have a deadline, I get the work done, normally it's well done and then boom, next project, rinse, cycle, repeat...The opposite can be said for when I'm doing work myelf without a deadline, and for one reason or another, I'm full steam ahead until I think, "Hmm...this isn't DUE today, so I'm going to let my mind wander." Truly, I do not let my mind wander, but I can't stay focused on the task because I just have other things going on, and when deadline nor pay are there...it waits. I have personally kept myself from trying to get to know all but one person for the last two years, and that person has a shut off personality, so getting to know her and wanting to know her are two different things. I think this is why I'm drawn to wanting to know her, because she looks like someone that needs it, but has enough selfworth that she doesn't NEED someone else, or so it seems. What's funny is I still feel that with her, I've developed a pretty good friendship, have learned a bit about her, though it is definitely in a "Single Serving Friend" kind of way. What's sad, is that while I'd be willing to drop whatever to be with this girl, I know that's probably never going to be an option, so I've made sure to start looking down other avenues. I have some issues in my life. I am seen as someone who's got his head on straight, is passion and profession driven and self-motivated. These are mostly true, and when people meet me, feel me out, or pursue me, this is what they get at the beginning. This is what you want people to see, as well, but like with selling used cars, you sell them on the good, and then the bad and the ugly come with the first inspection update. Haha. Where am I going with this blog? Oh, who the hell knows, but I'm going to continue. I like this girl. Suddenly, I think I really like this girl because I'm talking about her more than I normally talk about anyone not named Rob Potchak... I enjoy her company, wonder how we get along since on the base, we don't seem to have a lot of similar interests outside of karaoke night, beer and football, oh, and the same bars... She is a mom, works constantly, etc, however, I think this is the stuff I didn't gauge, initially. As a parent, she needs to not only protect herself, but also protect the children from any situation that could turn into an ugly situation, and having never dealt with that type of situation, I may be clamoring for more attention than a single mother who has defenses built up is ready to give. As I think more outside the box here than I am used to, this also makes me rationalize other things. I can argue that by keeping me at bay may lead me to a different path, and have us try to maintain a friendship, that would be on me at this point, and not her. Wow, I think I just grew up a little with that statement. I posted on facebook that I was thinking about her while I was more than a little drunk... good, but not good. I didn't say anything stupid or whatever, but I'm not sappy, so I must maintain my arrogance and confidence, and not look like a silly awestruck guy. I also posted that with the level of social networking out and about, who knows what the rules of dating / comunication should be at this point? I don't know if she paid attention to these little things, but others saw them. The other night, I guess I got some of the information that one needs to hear, as a co-worker of hers came up, started to hit on me and gave me her phone number and when I asked her (the one I like) what I should do with it, she stated, "Burn it." She smiled, but the intent was clear, even though rules have not been established, she wanted it known that she wanted my attention, so I gave it to her that night. However, since that night, we've probably chat for a couple text msg and a little bit of time on Facebook, but nothing else. Yesterday, tornadoes were knocking down houses in the area, so I texted her to make sure she was safe while going to and from work, but with Verizon telling me for about an hour "Txt not sent" I kept trying to resend, probably leading to her getting the same msg from me about 10 times...of course, making me look a little obsessive. This time, however, it wasn't even my fault. So right now, I'm cooling it for a day or two on this, just so I can see what's up from the other side of the fence. Of course the normal night we hang out may be out of the question, since I have an inventory on Weds, the night I normally hang out with her.

#501 - rambles...

12:45am, still not sleeping. Thinking of what to do with my life, walking down a pathway, alone, but not lonely. Things have started changing, seemingly for the better, but a little scary as well. I feel like a 9th grader, with this new affection. Is it an obsession, is it me making it out to more than it really is? As I try to sit back and enjoy the ride, my mind takes over and tries to steer one way or another. I think sometimes people scare off because of how much you try to be around them. Others embrace the feeling of not being alone. Me? I do both. Sometimes I can just accept it, other times I like it so much I don't want to stop having it around. It seems like she may've had some hurt in her heart before, building up a wall and not wanting others to come in, like the third little pig, making it out of brick, unlike the fake walls of the other two. Its good, though, around her I just am me, not trying to impress, not overtly spending money I don't have, just me enjoying someone's company and acting goofy like I tend to do when I'm in a comfortable place. Interesting that I say comfortable when neither of us has stepped foot in the other's real lives, just the nighttime ones. The ones where they may be dreams, may be reality, and you just can't pick apart the real from the fairy tale. Why does she interest me? Maybe because she's interested IN me.

500th post on here! Here comes 2011!

So I've decided that 2011 will be a return year for me. A lot of people would agree that my art has taken huge strides this year (rpotchak.deviantart.com), but being the Renaissance Man that I am, I'm ready to jump on some writing projects too. With that said, I'll give some insight about what I'm in discussions to work on...

1) HOME GAME: This is going to be a written and drawn comic strip from me about a weekly poker game and the banter that ensues between the players. This will play on everything from current events, movies, video games, comic books, tv shows, etc. I've already contacted a well known online comic publisher for distribution on this, and depending on where you are reading this blog, that may tip you off...

2) I've discussed a Re-Imagining of a series I wrote a long time ago that actually DID see print. We'd be looking at this as a digital graphic novel on sites like Wowio, Comixology, etc.

3) DEAD EAST: This is an old western idea that plays off my love of those movies. Add in some teenage angst and my love of Road to Perdition, and you have an idea of this project I'm fleshing out.

4) I also really like the idea of a Zombie/Undead Monster vs. the Old West, ala Undead Nightmare. I'm really trying to flesh this out, because I think I'll be able to utilize some REAL characters and change up history enough to really screw this all up. I'm getting psyched up with this story idea because I really have some awesome feelings about this and ideas that are just going crazy...no name on it, yet, but the ones I've thought of are pretty good takes on where I'd want to take this.

5) I'll still be adding more artwork, but this year, I want to do more writing, but every project I do I think I'll get to draw variant covers for, because I really want my art getting out there, too...

There is always the chance that one of my old projects could get restarted, as well, but right now I'm interested in where my imagination takes me with new stuff...

Happy New Year everyone...stay tuned for more info!
-Potsy

12-16-10 - Something New...

So I'm getting that bug up my ass again to do something creative, however, right now, the day job is sapping my creativity...talked to the old publisher, shot some ideas around about either graphic novel ideas or new webcomics...

I think Im going to do a webcomic, as I've stated a lot, but this time I already have a name and the idea behind it, and I am trying to figure out an easy way to replicate the artwork from episode to episode, so that the style remains consistent, but the story continues to flow.

The graphic novel ideas were and old reboot and another one that seemed interesting and played up with my interests in the old west...

If you haven't checked out my recent artwork on deviant art, please do, rpotchak.deviantart.com, and I have a facebook fan page for the artwork, since I haven't really written anything new in almost two years.

Again, getting itchy about it, so I think I'm going to have to test the old keyboard and see what I can come up with...

I don't know where to begin here...today, I'm feeling down. This blog was originally created to give people insight on the good that was occurring from my work, both professional and amateur. Recently, I know that it has becoming a very sporatic explaining of my downed feelings, and its looking like that isn't going to end anytime soon, because just when I feel like things are starting to look better for me, things happen that lead me to wonder if they really are, if I'm being played and if this life is really what I want it to be.

I was married, I had a career, yada yada...that was over two years ago, and now...now I'm a single guy that doesn't remember how to be someone that another wants. I don't know how to be anything except successful at work.

I'm upset with something. I just am unsure of what it really is.

The day I found something that I wanted to persue, the day I felt like I started getting played. Given the opportunity, I know and am confident I can turn the game in my favor, but right now I feel as though I'm being strung along just enough to grab some control and then leave me hanging, and I'm better than that.

I don't know where I'm going with this struggle, but I feel as though I'm dealing with a juvenile highschool game when my personality, my drive, my determination etc...

I don't even know where I'm going with this, other than...why am I such a sucker?

497 - 7-27-10

Alone, restless...

In a moment of despair, I do something I haven't done in a while. Nothing illegal, but something just as intrusive. I give up. I realize that part of my life is over. The feeling of invasion, now, ceases and I go back to my business.

I am just as sad as I have been for months, maybe years. Alone in a world that is full of people with someone. Getting older by the year, the month, the week, the day and the hour, I fall back into a pit that I thought I had crawled myself out of.

I still talk of it as if it were yesterday, and truth is, its less than three months from two years. What is the draw, why is it so hard? What's out there for ME?

I try to pull myself together and realize that I can't. I realize that I'm in this pit for an undefined time to come. As much as I think I can find happiness in myself and in someone else, I find myself still in this moment. The stand still that is moving at full speed. The hour that is truly weeks months and years.

Why do I trample the I have now, hoping for a glimpse of the past? Where did my happiness go? Where will I finally track it down?

496 - 6/29/2010 - Life as we know it...

It's 11am on a Tuesday, and I sit here contemplating where to go with things. You see, as open as I am, as awesome as I am to hang out with and converse with, I seem to have one mental block that prevents me from doing something...I can't ever seem to talk to a girl I like and let them know I like them.

I'm not afraid of much, but I am definitely against rejection. I wish I just had the same confidence I do in my professional life in my personal one. I think I'm a great person to be around, but I feel something prevents me from being able to say some of the things I want, because I'm afraid of the general: "I have a boyfriend," or "well, I dunno" or my favorite, "I'm just not into you..." I should be able to look at them and say, "that's too bad, because my type is better..." and just be the confident Rob I am in everything else I do.

I want to change that. I want them to be interested and me give them more reason. My tastes are peculiar, but genuine. I want someone that wants me back for me, not because they "should." I like the idea of a challenge, but it got me nowhere except 8 years older the last time.

My mind is strong, my heart tries, and my soul is yearning...how do I get them all to sync up and get me where I need to go?

I even drew a pic of the person I'm interested in right now...I'm posting it here just because I think I'm the only person reading this anymore, and it makes me feel a little better just getting it out there.

Rob

495 - 6-17-2010

I have no idea what I was writing about last night. I'm disappointed in my life right now because of the mistakes I've made that don't seem to be helping me move on, and in fact are helping me regress into a depressed state.

While I'm not in danger here, it does suck that I'm on probation which is basically like being told you are the scum of the earth, and my probation officer makes me feel that way. I had one in Durham that was okay, she seemed to understand that I was a first time troublemaker and that I wasn't the scum that she sees on a regular basis, but when my case got transferred back to Wake County, it seemed to go all differently, and now I feel like I have no control over something which isn't good for someone like me.

I expect some sort of respect for being a business professional that fucked up in his personal life, but I'm being treated like someone who was a drug traffiker.

Just ranting.

494 - 5/4/2010

Tonight I get home after realizing that once again, I'm still not over the one that I should be. How do I know? When I begin talking about wanting to be with someone, she comes up. That's enough to go on. I wish it wasn't, but it is. Every time my mom and I talk about me getting over the personal issues, she comes up and I sound like someone that can't get over the hump.

Truth is, I need something new to get my mind looking elsewhere. Honestly? After we were seperated for 18 months and she saw me, we got back together. That was then...the same would never happen again. She'll do the same damage to her next relationship as she did to ours, but the problem ther remains...how do I prevent the same problems that occurred with US...AND how do I get to the point where I want there to be an us with another person...?

I'm really broken up, to the point that I haven't really pursued, but I also don't think I've found ANY worth pursuing...am I wrong?

493 - 4/23/2010

I'm bored, tired, and sick. Probably a sinus infection that requires antibiotics, but I refuse to go to the doctor and try to get over it myself, since I don't want to go to the doctor, where I risk getting even more sick.

I've felt de-motivated recently. I used to write all the time. Here, comics, stories, whatever, and until recently, I felt I was pretty good at it. Now, its been almost a year since I wrote anything of substance, and I'm pretty upset at myself for that.

I haven't had any motivation, and I haven't had anyone that I want to read a masterpiece from me, I guess. I just don't feel like I have anything good cooking currently.

Oh well, maybe I ought to look at what I've written in the past, read it and see if it makes me want to make it better. I haven't even wanted to draw for the past couple days, which is awkward, but mainly because while I do really cool lightbox work, if I were to do freehand drawing recently, I feel like a no talent assclown.

I dunno. I'm pretty down on myself, and its probably just because I'm sick, but that's not really any excuse. I keep myself motivated at the job, so hopefully with my hobbies I can begin to do the same?

4/16/2010 - still low...

so it amazes me that everyone looks at me believing my life to be the epitome of excellence. I'm bored with a lot of things, but what worries me most is my unhappiness with the ME here.

I like what I do for a living, I like who I am around people that care about me, but overall...I'm unhappy. This family trip to Disney World made me realize it more than I had in two + years.

My ex, Christy and I split up in November, 2008, after she left my in October claiming I had created most of her problems in life. Well, now she's gotten her divorce, had her parents pay for everything and she's in the clear, living the same life she did 8 years ago, before I stepped into the picture, and what will undoubtedly end in her marrying another guy, only to have it end when she gets bored with him, too...to which her parents will probably blame themselves and the other guy for and not her...

Anyway, I'm upset...same as I was the other night, and while I know I could always have been better during our marriage, I realized that during my trip to Orlando, that I've always been the one that the blame gets placed on no matter what the situation...case in point...

My nephew Drew wet the bed this morning....I got blamed because they told me the temperature was too low...now one, I didn't play with the thermostat...two, my genes did not make this child and three, he was under ALL THE COVERS...if anything made the boy PEE it was the fact that the temperature was TOO WARM...he didn't have a way to cool off, so his body corrected this abstruction for the third night in a row.

I don't know what the real reason is, and I also do not care. I'm upset about this because I did NOTHING and yet got blamed.

My family has ALWAYS done this and I'm tired of it...people wonder why I don't spend a lot of time with my family if given the option and this is why...I'm apparently the black sheep that is the catalyst to everyone's problems, when ultimately...no one wants to help me with my own.

I really wish I had someone I could talk to about these things, because I'm tired of the face I put on and the truth that is never seen...but right now? They'd never believe the pain I'm really in, and they'd probably blame me for it anyway...

4-14-2010

I'm on a family vacation in Disney World and I'm depressed. I've been upset with life for a while, but no one seems to understand, offering their, "Well, you are better off" explanation...truth is, I am. BUT, that doesn't stop the fact that on a daily basis I see things going on, and realize that not being married anymore really puts a damper on those things.

I won't go into detail and I won't try to help others understand, but let me put it this way. I still love my ex-wife...but not her, just the wife part, the objectification of her...she could be anyone. I miss the person that was supposed to be there for me, for all reasons and purposes.

I recently realized that after she attempted to friend request me on facebook, it wasn't because she wanted to rub her new boyfriend in my face (though she would be), it was because she wanted to keep the friendship that we had...at the same time, she doesn't realize she destroyed that, along with my heart and for a while, my mind, along with it...I won't ever be friends with her again, and part of that pains me, but its because she destroyed everything I was to get what she wanted, and when I needed her at all, she bolted for the door...not the type of person you want for a friend.

She was supposed to think about what she wanted when she got home from her time in an institution, which at this point, she probably looks at as fiction...and she was supposed to look at how to fix US...she didn't, and fixated on wanting something else, and blamed me for everything.

I'm unhappy with this, because now, she thinks we are friends, and she's sorely mistaken. I am not friends with people who outright lie and manipulate me...and I'd never give the time of day to someone who cheats on it...

It is upsetting I think about this when I should be enjoying myself, but I am because I haven't found that lightning rod that grounds me...and until then, I remain upset...

(490) - 3/15/2010

Sorry I'm not creating new names for every time I write here. Hell, it had been a long time since I'd written anything on here, and now I'm writing much more frequently again.

I'm moving out of my place this weekend, and moving into my parents for a bit as I await approval on financing of the new place. I'm getting a little more excited because it will free me up a bit more to go out and do things, since I'll be much closer to the people I'm hanging out with on a more consistent basis.

Right now, Iam kind of glad I'm not in any kind of relationship, because this time of year seems to put strain on them. I'm not sure why, I always thought it was the change of the weather, but who knows. People just seem to go crazy, which causes real turmoil. I'm seeing a lot of people I know going through stuff that doesn't seem like a big deal to others, but for some reason, they obsess about it until its huge. Who knows...just right now, I'm glad I'm single.

After two really good weeks of poker games, I've had two really lousy ones, keeping myself in third place of our tournament standings, though I don't want to be in first place, as I'd play a bit more aggressive and lose my footing pretty quick, so I'm okay where I am, though I wouldn't mind being second place going into the finals, and it is within reach.

doing more art recently, and I ask that you check out rpotchak.deviantart.com, since I've put up some really great photo reference pieces of different tv shows and movie characters. I'm always taking suggestions, too.

Gonna cut this short, I really need to be productive before work today.

(489) 3/10/2010

Tonight, a buddy of mine said that he was lonely, and my statement back was that he should join the club, but if he needed someone to talk to, I'd listen. I now feel that my statement was harsh.

Loneliness is what you make of it. You can either embrace your time alone, or you can be really allow the depression to set in. The unfortunate thing, though I don't believe I'm depressed, I am lonely. I wish I had someone to help with that, someone I could call and have them be there for me, and help me through my pain, like I typically am willing to help others through theirs.

I have ten days left in the house I'm in now, then a couple (hopefully) weeks with my folks, and then I start really living a different life. I hope I continue to live a decent life, and not a lie, as I now know my marriage was for a long while.

It's sad when you know that you aren't ready to give yourself to someone because of the bitterness you hold onto about past discretions. What's worse is that you always want something to fill the gap, but the life you lead, you don't ever think you'll find someone that would help you do that.

I know this blog has gotten depressing if anyone is actually reading it...sometimes I don't know how I'll walk through the rain, let alone smile in the sunshine.

(488) - 3/6/2010 - Another morning like the others

Am I depressed? I don't think so, but I wouldn't be surprised. I mean, I am on here just typing instead of trying to find someone to talk to. Of course, its nine in the morning, my internal clock won't allow me to sleep past 8, and then I find myself bored with what's going on around me.

Amazing how quickly a week changes everything. Last week, I was writing about how someone and I were mutually into each other, and how I was becoming more fascinated with the idea. After that long conversation with her, I think it became awkward...kinda like the morning after a sexual encounter with someone that you really just want to be friends with, except, like always, I get this situation to happen...when there is no sex involved.

So due to that, the friendship has become a quick chat here or there and has dissipated into nothing more. I do think there is a little more avoidance going on from her side of the coin, due to the awkwardness of the situation. Oh well, that's the way my life rolls, and no matter what, it will not get to roll all the way back down the hill this time. Not only will I not allow it, I'll continue to make my personal strides, with some blatant hiccups I'm sure, but the hole I was in last year and have just now begun climbing out of, I will continue to do that, make myself stronger, and not care what the opinions of just anyone are.

I really like what I'm doing with my art, but I can't help but feel like a fraud. A lot of artists make their livings lightboxing and mashing up the art. Tony Harris has made a career out of photographing people and then using those photos to make issues of comics. I can't imagine how painstaking it is, but it must mean that he puts in more time and effort than most other artists, since there are extra steps involved.

Every lightbox drawing I do is actually a lot of work. I have to find the right photo, then I have to mess with the contrast and brightness on it until it looks like something that can be done on the box, and then I have to make it happen.

I've had a few recently that looked so bad due to how thick the pen line was that I had to toss them. While this has not been the norm, when it happens, I've been terribly disappointed in the final product, so much so that I do something I never usd to do...throw out the final product, rather than allow it to be picked apart or critiqued.

You know, I started this by asking if I was depressed, and I think I know what the truth here is... I lost something a long time ago. Someone who understood and accepted me, flaws and quirks and all. I allowed myself to be TOO involved, and now do not trust enough to do it again... for now. I am lonely, in mind and in heart, and who knows when I'll get that back.

(486) 3-3-2010

So today, I signed paperwork to purchase a new place to live. Approximately 2.4 miles from work, this will allow me to not have to worry about getting help to and from work so much, as worst case scenario, I'll be able to walk. I'm happy with the place that I picked out, and am hoping that everything goes according to plan, since I have to have my divorce finalized, and after that, I can go out, get the new mortgage loan, and move on with everything. I've also got to come up with $2500 for the downpayment, and then probably cut back on a lot of my other extracuricular activities if I am not going to want to involve a roommate.

Anyway, I'm pretty down, and as I stated earlier, I really don't have that person that I can 100% open myself up to, and recent attempts to qualify a person into that position have fallen on incapable. I haven't tried that hard, but then, I probably like coming across as more of a bad ass than as someone willing to shed tears. It really hasn't been a great time in my life, but I'm working through it, and moving forward. I've made strides, and really have begun enjoying the ride of life again, after a long year of not appreciating anything but family. I have a long ways before I feel like I'm right for myself, or anyone else, but I'm much closer to feeling that way than I've been for a really long time.

I'm actually growing tired of always putting on the happy or professional face, and now, at this point, I just want to let the chips fall where they may. It isn't the smartest play, but its the play I feel like I want to make.

I've been drawing a lot recently, and actually have intentions of putting together an artbook/sketchbook. I haven't done this before, and typically would be against the idea, but a lot of the art I've done recently, I think SHOULD be out there for others. If I get Microsoft Publisher or anything up and running on this, I shold even be able to piece the book together.

I'm not sure what exactly is going on in my head that's causing me to not be as happy as I have been in recent history, and I'm hoping it won't take long to start feeling like me, again...at least, here is really hoping on it.

Life was so much easier when I was twelve.

3/3/2010 - Weird dreams and stuff.

I had this really awkward dream, where I woke up wondering what the hell it was all about. It was like I was in highschool again, but at my current memory levels...like 90210 weird.

Anyway, I've really been cranking out some good artwork recently. I'm up to 9 pieces, and I figure as soon as I'm at 24 that I like, I'll probably put together a sketchbook and try selling it at a local convention.

My fan page on Facebook is now up to 90 fans, which for only sending it to my friends is kinda cool, especially when I look through the fans and see people like Diamond Distribution's Steve Geppi as one of them.

I've got about 2.5 weeks to get my stuff moved and get out of my current house. Good news is I've already found a new place to want to move into, and will probably be securing the loan and for it really soon. Only real downside to it is I'll have to live somewhere else until it all goes through, and I'll have to find somewhere to put my one dog until I do. Mom is afraid to take my big dog, and there is typically a lot of yelling at that house, but its to get to the next stage in my life, so its only a hiccup.

I gotta make this a quick blog, so if anybody wants to see the current art, checkout (rpotchak.deviantart.com) where I've got all my latest pieces put up.

3-1-2010 (485)

I changed up the look of the blog a little. I haven't figured out how to change the graphics to make it really my own, so it still looks pretty plain, but then again, this is a private blog now. I haven't written anything on this that really shows the status update of my comics work, because I haven't done any.

I've started many projects over the past five years...THIEF, TAGGER, REHAB, and a couple others, and none have been completed. I wonder if this is how Leonardo DaVinci felt, as he'd get so caught up with "the next BIG idea," only to have it die out in his mind.

I feel that my creativity only goes so far, and while I can brainstorm the fuck out of things, I don't seem to get much further than that anymore.

My mind seems to be racing with about three weeks left before I HAVE to move, and I haven't figured out where I'm moving, though I think I do. I want so many things to go my way, and all of last year, they did not.

Last year I wish I could redo. I lost a lot of myself in that last year, and now feel like I'm coasting on the tidal wave, but not underneath and overwhelmed, but finally surfing somewhere under the cusp, but not anywhere in danger. I feel a sense of hope coming back into the light, though even that, I feel is somewhat misguided.

I wrote about knowing about chemistry with another person, yet, while I know it's there, I know that person is juggling inner turmoil of past relationships, much like myself, but where mine is over and I want it to be done with, theirs is seemingly still having a possibility of coming back. As the friend, I asked, "so what's up with you two?" and the response was "I dunno..." I stated that 'I dunno' by itself would have been an up in the air, while adding an elipses to it made it seem at even more of a discord.

My biggest problem going on now in my life is I hae no one that I can fully open up to. I think I need a good cry, but none of my friends are the type that you can do that with. There is no break down in front of person, but I think I need a good heartfelt one...after that, I think I'd feel cleansed, and ready to take back the world.

On a professional front, I believe I'm going to print a sketch book in my latest artstyle, which is all line work from photo reference. A buddy of mine, who seems to be promoting local comic shows now actually told me I should set up a booth and try to sell them there. I'll have to figure out pricing and everything, but even I could piece together a sketchbook, right?

To anyone that actually finds and reads this, thanks. I don't know if this will continue to be a public blog, or even if it remains that way, whether ALL posts will be that way.

2-28-10: caught in a loop... (484)

So as the message states, I find myself caught in a loop.

You ever felt like you are wanting something, even if you shouldn't want it? Ever felt as though someone telling you that everything is bad for you is because you untimely think you are good for them?

Two days ago, I knew there was chemistry between me and another person. Is she involved with someone...yes, no, maybe. Facebook might lead one to believe "its complicated."

You get told that the type of profession they are is bad for you. You get told seven other things you would like are bad for you. And then it happens.

you knew there was some sort of chemistry. You joke about it, you flirt about it, and then the awkwardness of it sets in...you both know its there, and you try to ignore it like the 400 lb pink elephant that seems to show up with alcohol. It's there. Neither have denied it, but one has said that "knowing it would end badly, I'd like to keep it where it is..."

I've been through this before, and it did end badly. Twice, in fact, with the same person. In fact, the pieces still haven't ALL been picked up again. I'm still collecting myself, and do not want to be broken into more.

I'm finding myself more interested, and trying to play it into my hand, one way or another, and not be in the position to be taken advantage of...however, after countless LONG discussions until any hour of the night, I find myself starting to long for it.

I'm writing it here because this is my last safehaven. A place where I do not anticipate anyone reading me, and if they do, congrats. I haven't been able to open up in a long while, and while I do say what I feel...I haven't felt like I could just open up and let out raw emotion like I once did.

I used to be a flame of emotion that could not be put out, and then...I was extinguished by lies, deceit, and a ruined image of the perfect life. I opened my eyes to see that only in work can ONE person be the reason things go the way you want...whenever it comes to two sides...it really takes a concerted effort.

I don't know why I'm fawning over it...or becoming emotional about this person, but she's got me in a minor tizzy...but a major tizzy doesn't feel like its far off.

While some of its been discussed between both parties, in many ways it hasn't. I can not speak for the other person, because I don't know what's in their head. I can try to get in there, and it is fun to try, but this person when it comes to psychobabble, should have been crying like a little boy, but I haven't felt less than equal.

I've been labeled too nice. I am a nice guy, no doubt. But I command respect from a group, and don't typically allow myself to be frowned upon. I lead the charge, but I got told I'd get walked all over. I explained this to her as selfishness and sabotage.

It sucks when you see this much in common with another soul...and you aren't sure its the right thing to persue it, but for some reason...your mind starts going for it...and your heart can't stop, and must follow...